Princess Aurora Episode 1

I had been warned about this show so naturally I just had to watch it. Frankly I wasn't that impressed. At least with the first episode.

 

 

We begin with Oh Geum Sang (played by Son Chang Min of Heartless City) in a white upon white room, dancing with his Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend whose name I didn't catch. Geum Sang confesses his love for her but Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend is tired of just words, she wants action. When is he going to leave his wife for her?

 

Elsewhere we meet Geum Sang's baby sister, Oh Ro Ra/Aurora. She's meeting with the mother of Prosecutor Gang, the man Aurora is considering marrying. The mother, like all drama mamas, doesn't think Aurora is good enough and is too poor for her precious son. Aurora tries not to be distracted by that extremely long nose hair hanging down the woman's face.

 

Suddenly Aurora simply can't take it any more. She pulls her manicure kit out of her purse, grabs the older woman's head to hold it steady, and clips that annoying hair herself. For one brief moment I thought this show had potential but then it turns out this was simply a daydream of Aurora's.

 

Geum Sang invites his wife, Lee Gang Suk (played by Lee Ah Hyun), out for a relaxing massage at the spa. It's here, right in front of the masseuses, that Geum Sang works up the nerve to ask for a divorce. You're a class act, Geum Sang. Gang Suk is totally blindsided by this request and refuses to give him a divorce. This spa's walls must be paper thin as customers in the room next door laugh themselves silly as they listen to the couple's fight.

 

Aurora returns home to her palatial mansion. We learn Aurora's family is actually very wealthy. She just portrays herself as a working-class girl because she wants to find a man to love her for herself, not for her money. She must also have been a late-life baby as her mother looks old enough to be her grandmother.

 

Aurora informs her mom that she's dropping Prosecutor Gang because she can't stand the guy's mother. Suddenly Gang Suk rushes in to tell the women about Geum Sang's request for a divorce. Aurora decides to side with her sister-in-law and help Gang Suk keep her marriage together.

 

Geum Sang and his other brothers, Oh Wang Sang and Oh Soo Sang, meet for lunch and rationalize how it is unnatural to expect a man to stay with the same women for decades. They all must be having a mid-life crisis.

 

The episode ends rather oddly. Three women meet together at the large home of Hwang Ma Ma (played by Oh Chang Suk). He's in bed already so the three women kneel around his bed and start chanting. No, don't ask me what the heck is going on. I have no idea. 

One Warm Word Episode 1

Also known as A Word From A Warm Heart or Kind Words.

 

 

 

Na Eun Jin (played by Han Hye Jin) is eating some nasty pizza while thinking to herself how effed up her life is yet no one knows it. To the world she appears a competent woman with everything going her way. But in reality she has a dangerous secret. A secret someone else appears to know as Eun Jin receives an anonymous note saying she should be in jail.

 

Eun Jin meets with Yoo Jae Hak (played by Ji Jin Hee of The Great Seer. You know, the guy who ran around with a baboon on his head. Something tells me I'm gonna be missing that baboon.) to try and break up with him. Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Eun Jin's husband, Kim Sung Soo (played by Lee Sang Woo). Sung Soo starts yelling about her pissing the day away while he works his ass off. She hangs up on him because nobody wants to hear a damn fool yelling.

 

Sung Soo calms down enough to call her back to tell her he had just received news that Dad was dead. Eun Jin and Jae Hak run out to the street. He sees she's gotten upsetting news and he wants to make sure she gets home alright. She insists since they have broken up he shouldn't be worried about her anymore. From across the street someone starts snapping photos of them.

 

The next couple of scenes are to hurriedly introduce the rest of the cast to us. Eun Jin and Sung Soo have a young daughter, Kim Yoon Jung (played by the most adorable Lee Chae Mi of Two Weeks. Pardon me while I squee.) Jae Hak has a wife of his own, Song Mi Kyung (played by Kim Ji Soo), who may or may not have been flirting with her younger brother-in-law. Then there's Eun Jin's sister, Na Eun Young (played by Han Groo of Scandal: A Shocking And Wrongful Incident.) Eun Jin's sister-in-law, Yoon Sun Ah (played by Yoon Joo Hee) who is married to brother Na Jin Chul (played by Yoon Jong Hwa - Il Moody from May Queen!)

 

Anyway, Eun Jin and her whiny husband pack up their adorable daughter to head out to the country where Dad is decomposing. No one notices the car with the extremely dark tinted windows falling in behind their vehicle.

 

Blah blah blah people talk blah blah blah. Sung Soo has a history of cheating on his wife. Eun Jin has a history of getting into cat fights with these other women.

 

So back to the uncomfortable car ride. The mysterious car is riding Sung Soo's bumper. Eun Jin tells Yoon Jung to cover her ears while Mommy asks Daddy for a divorce. As Sung Soo and Eun Jin argue, the mysterious car purposely rams the back of their SUV. Eun Jin isn't wearing a seat belt and hits the dashboard hard.

 

Eun Jin's family rush to the hospital to check on everybody. Yoon Jung blabs to her folks about how Eun Jin had asked Sung Soo for a divorce. Blah blah blah Eun Jin's mom won't shut up blah blah blah.

 

Over at Jae Hak's estate, Mi Kyung must put up with Miss Piggy/MIL. Mi Kyung misses both her boys who are off studying in America. Jae Hak is climbing up a rock wall (and looking rather scrumptious as he does). He thinks back to the first time he met Eun Jin. He was trying to tell her about her skirt being stuck up in her leggings and she was calling him a pervert.

 

Jae Hak comes home to play with his Legos. Look, he's got a Darth Vader action figure! Mi Kyung finds it easier to talk to her young BIL than it is to talk to her husband. She goes downstairs to her own little office. She unlocks a desk drawer to pull out a large envelope. Inside the envelope are pictures of - you guessed it, Jae Hak and Eun Jin.

 

So we know she was behind the pictures being taken, but was she also behind the deliberate car accident?

Three Kingdoms Episode 49

It's on my Bucket List that one day I hope to finally finish this drama.

 

 

Xing Daorong ("I got a wife and kids to support!") returns to Lingling and informs his boss, Liu Du about what happened. Xing claims he had allowed himself to be captured so he could gain access into the camp. Liu Bei himself freed Xing Daorong, showering him with wealth and marrying the general to his daughter. (Does Liu Bei have a daughter? I've never seen her.) Xing goes on to explain he acted like he would work with Liu Bei in betraying the city from the inside but he's not really going to. This is the perfect opportunity for Liu Du's forces to spring a surprise counterattack.

 

Liu Xian is like, "Dude, you're so full of shit," and draws his sword on Xing Daorong, accusing the general of playing them false and working for the enemy. Xing starts blubbering like the big fat baby he is. Old man Liu Du has his son back down. He believes the general is an honest man and so they'll go along with Xing's plan.

 

So that night Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, and what appear to be only a handful of men slip through the city gates that Xing Daorong has opened for them. Once inside Xing discloses that he's now got them trapped and for Liu Bei to surrender. Zhang Fei shouts at the men to protect their lord as they fight their way back out of the gate. Xing orders his forces to follow.

 

During the chase Liu Bei's horse stumbles and he's thrown to the ground. Xing and Liu Xian catch up to the fallen man and celebrate their success at capturing the royal uncle. But as some soldiers move in to tie Liu Bei up his face is made more clear and Xing realizes this isn't Liu Bei but a look-alike.

 

From out of the shadows Zhang Fei leads his army to attack. This time its Liu Xian who is knocked off his horse and taken prisoner. Loudmouth takes the young man back to camp. Zhuge Liang is quite certain they've got Liu Du by the balls as he's devoted to his son and will do anything to get Liu Xian back.

 

Sure enough Liu Du is willing to surrender Lingling and to hand over the official governor's seal to his cousin. Liu Bei politely refuses it and in fact asks Liu Du to keep on being governor since he's done such a great job of it so far. And just like that Liu Du is now on Liu Bei's side.

 

The next city on their world tour is Guiyang. Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun argue over who gets to conquer Guiyang with Zhao Yun ultimately getting the upper hand. (Zhao Yun must have gotten a better agent as he's had way more than one line in this episode.) So Zhao Yun takes his forces and faces off with the Guiyang soldiers.

 

Zhao Yun fights with a Colonel Chen Ying. Chen has a badass trident for all of two seconds before Zhao Yun cuts it in half. But Zhao is nice enough to wait here while Chen goes to get another weapon... which Zhao cuts in half as well. For his third trick, Chen Ying gets the world's biggest barbell (made out of paper mache). Zhao Yun knocks the other guy's horse upside the head, unseating Chen Ying.

 

Zhao Yun is magnanimous enough to let Chen Ying live since he fought so well (i.e. kept losing). Chen reports back to his lord, Zhao Fan, about how great and wonderful Zhao Yun is so Liu Bei must be even more greater and wonderfuller. Therefore they should surrender Guiyang.

 

Zhao Fan is totally against it. Chen Ying and the other generals then imply "You do it or we make you do it." Seeing he's outnumbered, Zhao Fan gives in. Yet once all the generals leave the room, Zhao Fan's advisor, Bao Long, submits a plan of his own.

 

The next day Zhao Fan welcomes Zhao Yun into the city for a supposedly peaceful surrender. They sit down together for a nice celebratory dinner. Zhao Yun's wine is drugged and he falls unconscious. He's disarmed and taken away to bed. When he eventually wakes up Zhao Yun is as shocked as I am to see a woman in this show. She's Zhao Fan's sister-in-law and a widow who has been sent to serve Zhao Yun.

 

And just as quickly she's gone. She had one line, which would actually make her a perfect match for Zhao Yun. Zhao Fan even attempts to hook the two up in marriage. Zhao Yun sees this as an attempt to get him to cross over to the Dark Side and join up with Cao Cao.

 

Zhao Yun (without any weapons) walks out of the building to find Bao Long with a bunch of pike men. Foolish mortals! Zhao Yun doesn't need any weapon to lay the smack down on you. He puts them all down on the ground, taking back his beloved Blue Blade from Bao Long. Not that that goof would even know how to use a sword.

 

The entire military presence comes out to try and stop Zhao Yun from leaving the city. More foolish mortals to fall before Zhao's blade. Just as he and his attendants reach the gate they discover Chen Ying and his forces are blocking the way. Or are they? Chen Ying opens the gate and allows his comrade to escape.

 

Zhao Fan and Bao Long attempt to flee only to be captured by Zhao Yun.

 

Guan Yu! Guan Yu is back! Where the hell have you been? You've been as scarce as a female character in this show. He's been summoned by Liu Bei to receive new orders to take over the province of Changsha. They're giving Guan Yu a chance to make up for that debacle of letting Cao Cao go earlier.

Dracula Episode 6

Of Monsters And Men

Mr. Browning has started to suspect Alexander Grayson is a vampire. Lady Jayne scoffs at the idea. That evening she and her breasts accompany Grayson to a restaurant. He excuses himself for a moment to go over to the table where Harker and Mina are sitting. Lucy is less than thrilled by Dracula's presence and she excuses herself. This allows Lady Jayne an opportunity to invite Lucy over for tea next afternoon while hinting heavily that she knows Lucy's secret.

 

Harker and Mina laugh and stumble through the rain like fools in love. They return back to his home where Mina strips off her wet clothes (but not a corset, because what Victorian woman wears a corset?) Mina has decided that tonight is the night.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Harker reports to work. Grayson is needing some nickel-steel alloy stuff for his steampunk thingy. There's only one place in England that makes it: Empire and Colonial Metallurgy. (The scene of Renfield's abduction.) The business is owned by American Ewan Telford III. Telford may be a Yankee but he's totally into the Wild West thing, including high stakes poker games. And it just so happens he's holding a game tonight.

 

 

A recovering Renfield makes his first appearance to inform Dracula that he has found [insert dramatic music] The Dresden Triptych! It's a 15th century Romanian baroque set to be auctioned off next week. However, Lord Davenport's sources have learned that Grayson really, really wants this thing. Davenport orders some guy named Hackett (with a bad case of road rash on his face) to get this triptych before Grayson does.

 

Dracula returns home after a triumphant game of cards with Telford. Apparently Ewan didn't know when to hold 'em nor when to fold 'em and has now lost his metallurgy business to Grayson. Renfield informs his employer that the board meeting of British Imperial Coolant has been rescheduled and will be held at noon. As chairman of the board, if Grayson doesn't show up he risks losing his position.

 

Over at the university Mina, still snooping around in Professor Van Helsing's secret lab, discovers a bottle of Dracula's blood/serum and injects some of it into a dead rat because... yeah, why not? That's all the world needs is a vampire rat.

 

The next day Lucy arrives for her tea with Lady Jayne. Taking on the role of a mother figure, Lady Jayne assures Lucy that these strange cravings for other women are actually quite common and a natural process of maturation. After getting Lucy all hot and bothered, Lady Jayne advises the young girl to press her suit with Mina.

 

 

Van Helsing catches Mina in his secret room and dismisses her as his assistant. She discloses her experiments with the strange substance she found in his lab. Van Helsing attempts to explain the serum away while... oh no, he's getting out his shiny hammer! The one he used to bash in the heads of those two seers. He's coming up behind her as Mina starts telling her sob story about her mummy dying from cancer. Looks like the sob story works as Van Helsing quickly stashes the Hammer O' Death away.

 

Harker couldn't help himself and helped slip the tidbit about General Shaw's dirty dealings to an old press buddy. The news is now all over England, making Shaw useless to the Order. (Does this mean we won't be seeing any more of Bald British Bloke?) Lord Davenport isn't fooled and confronts Harker about his part in the Shaw debacle. Road Rash gives Harker one ticket to Henrik Ibsen's A Doll House. Harker attends the show and recognizes one of the play's actresses as the woman who gave him all the accounting info on General Shaw.

 

Lucy comes out to Mina. Mina is kind of grossed out.

 

Dracula (is he wearing tighty whities?) is strapped down to a ... well, I don't know what it is but he's strapped to it. Van Helsing is going to ... I don't know what the hell is going on. All I can say is it looks painful for Dracula as Van Helsing tries to saturate the vampire's tissues with the solar serum.

 

The board meeting is being held in a solarium with lots of sunlight and a looooong table with stuffed shirts seated at it. Grayson is late and everyone is whispering about it when Behold! there he is. Renfield keeps anxiously checking his pocket watch as the meeting gets underway. They're not sure how long the serum will work. Renfield comes in and whispers into his boss's ear. Grayson acts like he's being called away by something important. But before they can escape the sunny room Lord Davenport stops Grayson to ask some questions. Dracula has to keep his head turned as part of his face is starting to look like raw meat. Finally Dracula is able to slip away to his carriage where he can scream in pain.

 

Van Helsing is thinking back to the night his family was burned alive by the Order. He recognized Mr. Browning as being one of the men bearing torches that night.

 

Back at the playhouse, everyone is closing up and leaving for the night. The last person left is the actress Vera, the one Harker recognized. She senses Dracula is near and starts protesting she did exactly as he asked. When Dracula appears he looks like the Incredible Melting Man. He feasts on Vera's blood in order to restore his body, as well as to tie up some loose ends.

Thrice Married Woman Episode 1

Also known as The Woman Who Married Three Times. Also known as That Chick Who Just Doesn't Know When To Quit.

 

 

 

An old guy is outside in his backyard, applauding and laughing at Nature. Inside the huge mansion, the old man's son, Kim Joon Goo (played by Ha Suk Jin of Shark) is running on a treadmill. His wife, Oh Eun Soo (played by Lee Ji Ah) is ambling around with a glass of tea on a tray. Ho-hum, Show.

 

Meanwhile, Eun Soo's sister, Oh Hyun Soo (played by Uhm Ji Won) is surrounded by pictures of adorable cats and dogs. What the hell happened to her hair, though? Hyun Soo makes a living by designing clothes for pets.

 

...And, that's all we get of her for the moment.

 

Elsewhere in another palatial mansion, Jung Tae Won (played by Song Chang Ui) is being chewed out by his overbearing mother for not getting his daughter, Seul Gi, away from his ex-wife, Eun Soo. Oddly, the child isn't living with her mother but with her maternal grandparents.

 

Back at the Kim house there's golf talk and "Why ain't she preggers yet?!" talk.

 

Nothing really happens for the next ten looooooong minutes.

 

Eun Soo is out somewhere getting her makeup done when she has an encounter with celebrity Lee Da Mi (played by Jang Hee Jin). Seriously, that's how the woman introduces herself: "I'm celebrity Lee Da Mi." Maybe she's the Kim Kardashian of Korea. Anyway, we learn Celebrity Lee Da Mi is Joon Goo's mistress.

 

Hyun Soo, wearing a frumpy dress suit to go with her frumpy hair, is attending the wedding of Ahn Kwang Moo (played by Jo Han Sun). Is there something supposed to be up between these two? I'm too bored to care. Oh wait, something finally happens. As a depressed Kwang Moo and his chirpy bride are standing at the altar, he suddenly makes tracks for the nearest exit. The mothers of the bride and ex-groom get into a shoving match.

 

Eun Soo stops by to see her abandoned daughter. Seul Gi understandably doesn't want to have anything to do with the bitch. At the same time Tae Won drops by to also see his daughter and Seul Gi showers him with kisses. Eun Soo accuses her ex-husband and his family of brainwashing Seul Gi and causing the emotional distance between mother and daughter. (Oh yeah, it has nothing to do with you abandoning your child and not spending much time with her.)

 

Hyun Soo returns home to discover Kwang Moo asleep in her bed. She kicks him in the junk and orders him out. He whines he has no money and nowhere to go. Hyun Soo breaks down and makes him dinner. Suddenly his jilted bride starts to come through the door. Kwang Moo leaps behind the couch to hide.

 

 

 

I'm patting myself on the back for persevering to the end of this atrocious show. Avoid this Kdrama at all costs!

Dracula Episode 5

The Devil's Waltz

 

 

Mina wakes up to discover Edward Cullen Alexander Grayson is in her bedroom watching her sleep. Dracula warns her she's making a terrible mistake in marrying Jonathan Harker and perhaps there's a part of her who realizes this is true. Mina refuses to call off the wedding but indicates its more than fine with her if Grayson wants to crawl into her bed and start getting it on.

 

Oh, so this is Mina's wet dream.

 

Dracula and Van Helsing are down in the steampunk basement where they plan to test out the professor's sunlight serum on a spare vampire they keep for just such an occasion. Only now does Dracula ask, "Where's Renfield?"

 

Here's Renfield: beaten and tied to a chair while being questioned by the very proper Miss Janina Kleiberson. She brings out her tablecart of torture tools and begins her work, giving Renfield a manicure - from the inside out.

 

Harker is gathering up dirt on General Shaw. He's getting kickbacks from an arms manufacturer. Harker excitedly reports back to his employer but Grayson doesn't want to hear about any of this crap right now. He's worried about Renfield. Harker goes rushing off to make inquiries at the hospitals and morgues and has little time to talk with Mina although their engagement party is tonight. Mina is miffed because of the guest list and how Harker hasn't invited any of his old (poor) chums to the party.

 

Lucy is also upset because she learned Mina had a wet dream last night and she wasn't a part of it.

 

Kleiberson continues torturing Renfield. Its quite icky, what we hear as much as see.

 

Dracula figures Renfield has been abducted by the Order. He's anxious to come to Renfield's rescue but, being a vampire and all, Dracula must wait until the sun goes down. That is, unless Van Helsing's experiment is a success.

 

Ah, but this gives us time for a flashback! We go back twelve years earlier. Night. A train travels through what I take to be the American Southwest. Grayson is on board the train (and back to using his British accent (screw Transylvania!)) and trying to see Mr. Havershim, who is surrounded by armed goons. Grayson is wanting to buy some businesses off of Havershim and offers gold for them.

 

Things get tense when all the goons start cocking their guns. Renfield, who at this time is working as a porter, tries to diffuse the situation by politely offering Grayson some advice as well as a whiskey. Johnny Walker to the rescue!

 

Harker comes back with a lead on what happened to Renfield. Grayson and Van Helsing begin experimenting on the spare vampire strapped down to a table. First step is to shock the hell out of her to see if they can get her heart back to pumping. After injecting the unnamed vampire with the serum, Van Helsing opens the skylight and lets the sun in. She's good for about fifteen seconds then bursts into flames.

 

Night falls and finally Dracula can jump into action. Too bad he takes the horseless carriage as a toddler could probably walk faster than that thing. Dracula uses his vampire sense of smell to track which way they took Renfield.

 

Meanwhile back at the manor the engagement party gets underway and for once I find myself liking Mina's dress. Harker has made a concession to his fiancé by inviting one of his friends from the newspaper.

 

Renfield has been untied from the chair and is surrounded by Kleiberson's "assistants" who take turns kicking the man. This reminds Renfield of the train trip. He had just offered Grayson the whiskey (and a whispered warning about the danger) when Havershim and his "assistants" knock Renfield to the floor and take turns kicking him. Renfield has a limited vision of Grayson going into action and taking out the goons. There's also a brief glimpse of Grayon carrying Havershim's head.

 

Back to the past/present, Kleiberson keeps asking who Grayson loves as her men keep kicking. Renfield starts laughing as he's spied the shadowy figure of Dracula up above. Dracula leaps down to the floor and attacks. OMG, he tore some guy's arm off! OMG! I can't believe NBC showed that!

 

Kleiberson just stands there like an idiot when she should have been running while Dracula was busy dismembering her team.

 

Grayson arrives back at the party about the same time when Lady Wetherby and her breasts arrive. Dracula informs Harker that he's found and retrieved Renfield although he still doesn't know who was behind the abduction. Jayne notices Lucy's looks of longing directed to an oblivious Mina.

 

Grayson tells Jayne about Renfield being kidnapped and such. This is so Dracula can use his vampire lie detector sense to see if Jayne was a part of the whole scheme. She passes. (I'm surprised she's not passing out. How does she breathe with her breasts pushed up like that?) Harker introduces his boss to Mr. Browning, Lord Davenport and some other folks. Grayson shakes hands with all of them then surreptitiously smells his hand as he's trying to literally sniff out the culprit. There's a match! So at least Dracula knows its one of the four men he just met.

 

Jayne confronts Lord Davenport about Renfield. Was this Order business? Davenport acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about.  I wonder if she was using her breasts as a lie detector.

 

Harker thinks the best way to thank Grayson for allowing them to use Carfax Manor for the party is to give Grayson the first dance with Mina. At first Mina is a little stiff but as they twirl around she remembers the erotic dream from before and starts to loosen up. Lucy notices this. Lady Jayne and her breasts notice this. Harker notices this but at least he's able to politely cut in on the dance.

 

That night everyone has to deal with thwarted desires. Dracula gently tends to Renfield's injuries as he thinks back to when he first employed the large man. Renfield had been trained as a lawyer but faced obstacles because of his race which is how he ended up tending the bar on the train. Dracula confides that he too knows what its like to face obstacles because of his difference. Renfield insists he can't work for anyone without complete trust. Dracula agrees that Renfield will know all his secrets.

Reign Episode 1

I meant to watch this show back when it first started but then Real Life became extremely uncooperative and I ended up kind of forgetting about it. Then a bunch of horny women on GoodReads started squeeing about someone called BASH! and using his gif every chance they could, thus I was reminded this show existed.

 

Starring Adelaide Kane, Megan Follows, Torrance Combs and Toby Regbo (who looks an awful lot like a guy I work with).

 

 

 

Okay, we're off to an odd start. A bearded man has a dream where his hands are covered with blood. He awakes suddenly and gasps, "She's coming!" The next shot shows a woman panting heavily. Could you be any more suggestive, CW? BTW, the bearded guy turns out to be Nostradamus. (I could nitpick on how this actor is way to young to be the Nostradamus who knew Catherine de Medici, but there are so many other things that need to be nitpicked instead.)

 

The Great Omniscient Subtitles tell us this is France of 1557 (so naturally everyone has British accents). For her own safety Mary Queen of Scots and the Isles has been hidden away in a French convent since she was nine. What kind of crappy modern folk music is playing? Anyway it's lunch time. The (very talkative) nuns and their charges all sit down to a table to eat. Mary notices a young nun is starting to foam at the mouth and bleed out her ears. Everyone starts screaming but at least one person has the sense to scream for the food to be taken immediately away from Mary. Poison!

 

At the Royal Palace we get to see Mary's intended, Prince Francis, as well as his half-brother Sebastian (said BASH! of aforementioned squeeing). King Henry II and Queen Catherine are getting ready for their daughter's wedding. With much fanfare Mary is brought to court, again for her own safety.

 

She doesn't look a thing like this.

 In fact no one is dressed period appropriate.

 

 



While everyone is outside awaiting the arrival of Mary's carriage, a mysterious masked woman watches from a room upstairs. The Woman in the Burlap Mask! Down below Mary is greeted by her giggling ladies in waiting with the non-sixteenth century sounding names of Kenna, Greer, Aylee and Lola. I hate you all already. Mary and Francis haven't laid eyes on each other since they were children. Now their hearts are aflutter. However there's a dark cloud as Nostradamus warns Catherine he's had a vision: Mary will cost Francis his life.

 

While the giggling girls run off to explore the castle, Mary goes wandering upstairs and discovers Francis' secret laboratory where he makes his own cutlery. The two get some flirting on. Where's your codpiece and poofy pants, Francis? He returns to his rooms where his secret girlfriend (in a really ugly dress) is waiting for him.

 

Mary is out by the castle moat gathering up pretty rocks when her dog starts growling in the direction of the dark forest. Startled, she drops the rocks in the mud. The camera keeps showing them to us so it must be symbolic of something. I just don't know what of. Anyway, Mary totally ignores the growling of the dog and goes up to Francis' room to give him the pretty pebbles. He dresses her down for showing up unannounced. She quickly figures out he's not alone.

 

Disgusted, Mary goes back out to the moat to throw the pebbles into the water. Her dog runs off into the woods. Mary starts to go after him when she's stopped by BASH! who warns her not to ever go into the woods. What, is this the Forbidden Forest? Are there giant spiders and centaurs in there? What? Mary and BASH! get some flirting on.

 

One of the giggling girls, Lola, wants to marry her boyfriend, Colin. They go to Queen Catherine for permission. The Queen sends Lola and her ladies out of the room so it's just Catherine and Colin. We don't get to see (yet) what they talk about.

 

Giggling girl Aylee warns Mary to be careful around BASH! as he's the castle's resident bad boy. Mary is getting ready to bathe when she discovers the pebbles she threw away have reappeared on her dresser. It was The Woman in the Burlap Mask. Hidden behind a screen, the masked woman raspily warns Mary not to drink the wine. Mary discovers a hidden door leading to a secret passage.

 

That evening they celebrate the marriage of Princess Elizabeth of France. (Elizabeth is wearing a white wedding gown even though at that time white was worn more for mourning.) Giggly Lola isn't giggling now as her supposed boyfriend Colin is spending more time with Mary at the prom wedding party.

 

Colin has brought Mary a glass of wine so he can make a toast. Mary remembers the warning she got from Burlap Mask and doesn't drink. Not wanting her BFF to be mad at her, Mary insists Lola and the Girls kick off their shoes and kick up their heels on the dance floor. More horrible music plays. Both Francis and BASH! are enchanted by the uninhibited prom queen.

 

Mary and the Gigglies go to watch the newly married princess get ready to get laid. (Elizabeth and her attendants are now wearing clothes from the seventeenth century! WTH, wardrobe?!) A bunch of old men stand right there next to the bed as the marriage is consummated, which is probably the only historically accurate thing in this entire episode.

 

The girls get all horny seeing this action and go running to look for relief. Lola searches for Colin while another girl finds a helpful King Henry to scratch her itch. More horrible music plays! Mary tracks down Prince Francis but they get into an argument instead of getting it on. She goes on to bed alone when she's awoken by Colin climbing on top of her. She screams and guards rush in while Colin keeps apologizing.

 

It was a setup to ruin Mary's reputation and prevent her from marrying Francis. Colin tells Lola this much but he's too afraid to reveal it was Queen Catherine who put him up to it. The wine was supposed to have drugged Mary so she wouldn't be able to stop Colin from assaulting her. Mary is wearing a horrendous dress. On behalf of her BFF, Mary goes to the King and Queen to plead for Colin but it's too late: he's been beheaded. This causes a big rift between Mary and the Gigglies.

 

BASH! returns Mary's dog. He starts to get his flirt on (BASH!, that is - not the dog) but his mother, Diane, shows up to put a damper on things. After Mary leaves, Diane asks her son where he found the dog. BASH! says cryptic things like the dog was in the woods, drawn to the blood.

 

That night during a thunderstorm Mary is out on the battlements (always a good place to be when its lightning) when she's joined by Burlap. As more excruciatingly bad music plays, Mary thanks the mysterious woman for the warning about the wine. Yet when she turns around the Woman In The Burlap Mask has disappeared.