Boys Before Friends Episode 1

This is the American version of the oft-told story of Boys Before Flowers/Hana Yori Dango/Let's Watch The Meteor Shower and whatever other version I've missed. I'm not really sure why I'm bothering to watch this as I am one of only ten people in the entire world who didn't like Boys Over Flowers.

 

 

 

After a few obligatory shots of California to orient us as to where the story is taking place, we see our main character of Zoey sleeping in her very nice (i.e. far from poor as in the original story) bed. Her roommate, Piper, must come into the room to wake Zoey up so she can make it to an audition. It's the law in California: everyone wants to be in showbiz and so must go to auditions.

 

We must endure a music video already (not even three minutes in) as Zoey gets ready. I'm not into her hair style. Zoey's omniscient voiceover tells us about Ellison University, the elite school that only accepts the best and the richest. Once a year, though, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, Ellison allows auditions for the common people to try and get in.

 

Yet more music as Zoey does her hip hop routine. Don't expect a Flashdance kind of audition as oddly the camera films the actress from the waist up and behind a table. Speaking of odd there's this one very, very brief scene where someone timidly opens a door. Inside a dark room a boy gets up and goes to firmly shut the door closed again. And that's all there is about that.

 

Time jump six months later. Zoey is still wearing the same outfit she wore to the audition. Perhaps they're her lucky togs. (More like the production couldn't afford to shoot another scene with different clothes so they just reused the same shot. Did they honestly think the viewers wouldn't notice she was wearing the same clothes six months later?)

 

Anyway, she's back at the school and I assume this means the other common people who auditioned were even worse than her (hard to believe) and Zoey has been accepted. A boy is walking through the hall when he's purposefully tripped. The other students all laugh at him. Wait a second - suddenly Zoey is wearing a different shirt! And that's all there is about that.

 

Time jump back two months earlier. (WTF?!?) Two guys are in a coffee shop talking. The soundman seems too afraid to get near them so I can't really tell what they're saying. Suddenly some blonde chick with really loud shoes (the soundman wasn't afraid to get near her) walks over to their table and slaps something down. Your guess is as good as mine as to what it is she put on the table. Perhaps it's the infamous F-4 note.

 

We now go to some prostitutes hanging out. Some guy (totally blocking the shot!) comes in to hand a note to the black chick with the ominous announcement of, "It's Chris." to go with it. No, not Chris! Wait, who's Chris?

 

Ah, the next scene explains it. One of the guys at the coffee shop was Chris. He's been beaten up so badly that the cameraman can't focus. Chris knows it's useless to go to the dean about the beating. It's his last year so Chris will just have to endure things.

 

I'm not sure if the next scene is yet another time jump back or forward or into another dimension. I'll just get to the point and say Chris becomes one of the F-4's lackies and starts abusing his friend who was trying to help him.

 

Okay, we're back to the boy being pushed down in the hallway scene. Zoey is wearing different clothes. She moves forward meaning to help the boy up when another girl races over to stop her. The girl warns Zoey not to do anything at the risk of pissing the F-4 off.

 

Exposition Girl (do you have a name?) explains to Zoey about how the F-4 runs the school. The group is composed of Noah McCalliser, Chase Carlton, Oliver Young, and their leader, Liam Montgomery. OMG, his hair! Is this supposed to be set back in the 80's or something?

 

Exposition Girl goes on to give a deposition on each of the F-4. Noah's family may be rich because of connections with the Mafia. Chase has the number one album in the country right now. Oliver is a musical genius. (You'd think he'd be the guy with the number one album but you'd think wrong.) Then there's Liam (and his hair). His great great grandfather built Ellison U., he's the star basketball player, and he turned down an offer to go to the NBA.

 

Before Exposition Girl can cover any more ground the group of prostitutes come over to give Zoey a hard time. The F-4 themselves come into the room and the prostitutes start squealing like fangirls. OMG, there's another guy with the same awful wig as Liam's! Liam doesn't like someone else having the same wig on as he does so he takes a pair of scissors and cuts the guy's ponytail off. (It takes some time as these cheap wigs are made of tough material.)

 

Zoey tells her friends all about the awful bullying and wig cutting going on at the school. Her friends, and later her father as well, advise Zoey to just let it go and not get involved.

 

The next scene has Zoey enter a room twice. Not sure what's up with that. Anyway the room if full of pizza boxes that Zoey must clean up. Now that she was able to get all that trash into one bag, there's room enough for Zoey to "dance" (and I use that word loosely).

 

It's a new school day and the F-4 grace Ellison with their presence. The prostitutes (wearing outfits that still convince me this is the Eighties) squeal. A girl dares to approach Liam and his hair with an offering of a cream pie. You know what comes next - he smashes the pie in the girl's face. What's that noise? Someone says its the sound of the camera as it films. Soundman, get away from the camera and get closer to the actors!

 

Zoey and Exposition Girl are walking through the library (with coffee! What library allows you to bring food and drink into it?) This is the scene where Exposition Girl accidentally trips and splashes the coffee on Liam's clothes. She begs for forgiveness but Liam pronounces her doom. Zoey finally speaks up and gets all up in his wig.

 

Zoey is with Exposition Girl/Aubrey at the Coffee Shop of Doom when the prostitutes with the loud shoes come in (again, blocking the shot) to slap a piece of paper down on the table. For once Exposition Girl doesn't want to explain as Zoey asks what the heck the paper mean. In fact Aubrey doesn't want to be anywhere near the newest target of the F-4.

 

There's that noise again. What the heck is it?

 

So even though this is supposed to be college the prostitutes do all sorts of high school highjinx to torture Zoey. Okay, there was this one funny moment when they slip some dye into Zoey's bathwash and she ends up with green skin.

 

Zoey shows up to the library (the only "school" set this show seems to have) for her final exams. There are no chairs left and the T.A. tells her to sit in the floor with the rest of the trash. (That right there would have been a lawsuit in the Real World.)

 

Zoey and her friends (not Exposition Girl - she's a coward) decide to strike back by toilet papering the F-4's teeny tiny hangout. That oughta show 'em! When the boys discover their closet has been trashed, Zoey hands out her own Z-4 cards (I kinda liked that part) and declares her own war on the boys. Which is basically doing the same things to them that the prostitutes did to her.

 

(There's a funny moment when Liam and his wig enter the showers, yet when he gets down to washing the ponytail is suddenly gone.)

 

But then it gets really serious. Zoey is alone in the girls locker room when three guys (including Chris) come in and start to sexually assault her. The camera fades to black (or the battery runs out) and the show ends with this cliffhanger.

Princess Aurora Episode 2

Nothing much is happening. The women finish up their praying around their sleeping brother's bed. As Hwang Mi Mong and Hwang Ja Mong are leaving the house they run into this guy called Lee Sin Seong. He knows them from before and asks after their other sister, Hwang Shi Mong. His wife died 100 days ago and he's ready to move on. The other two advise him to not bother Shi Mong.

 

Aurora's brother, Oh Soo Sung, dons his kilt (seriously) and is just settling in to watch an episode of A Hundred Year's Inheritance. His viewing pleasure is interrupted by his wife who wants to talk about Chang Min and Gang Suk's break-up.

 

After ditching Sin Seong, the two sisters race to tell Shi Mong about her first love being back in town. Her sisters urge her to meet the man with the purpose of rubbing it in how fabulous she looks and what he lost out on.

 

Following Aurora's suggestion, Gang Suk searches her husband's car and discovers his secret second cell phone, the one he uses for contacting Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend. Gang Suk calls Aurora to tell her about the phone. Quick-thinking Aurora tells her sister-in-law to check for any photos on the phone. Sure enough Chang Min just had to have some cutesy selfies of him and his girlfriend. So let this be a lesson to you when you're cheating: don't keep the text messages or pictures!!

 

Meanwhile, Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend tortures her family. Her (step?) mom fantasizes about beating the girl with a bouquet of flowers. You know, this show would be a whole lot better if they didn't fantasize but actually did all the nose hair clippings and bouquet beatings.

 

Shi Mong gets all dolled up to meet with Sin Seong. They catch up on old times. Shi Mong now runs a French restaurant. Speaking of which, it's at this restaurant where Aurora has taken her brother's chauffeur out to lunch so she can grill him about Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend.

 

Aurora asks for a doggy bag and gets her panties all up in a wad when she's told she can't have one. By this time Shi Mong is back at the restaurant and has to deal with the princess. The Show spends an awful lot of time on whether Aurora gets a doggy bag or not. In case you care, Aurora gets her way.

 

After being a bitch at the restaurant, Aurora goes to a department store to get a salesgirl fired.

 

The Hwang sisters gather to listen to their brother Ma Ma be interviewed on a radio program. He's talking about his bestselling novel. Aurora is also listening to the program and finds the disembodied voice smexy. She starts asking around about him.

 

Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend's (step? half?) sister is a reporter and has been assigned to track down the elusive and secretive author Hwang Ma. She goes to ask her mother about him as apparently (step?) mother knows Ma Ma.

 

Aurora's private detective has learned Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend's home address.

 

Hwang Ma finally makes his onscreen appearance. I have no idea who this actor is so I don't know if this is a big deal or not. 

Princess Aurora Episode 1

I had been warned about this show so naturally I just had to watch it. Frankly I wasn't that impressed. At least with the first episode.

 

 

We begin with Oh Geum Sang (played by Son Chang Min of Heartless City) in a white upon white room, dancing with his Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend whose name I didn't catch. Geum Sang confesses his love for her but Mid-life Crisis Girlfriend is tired of just words, she wants action. When is he going to leave his wife for her?

 

Elsewhere we meet Geum Sang's baby sister, Oh Ro Ra/Aurora. She's meeting with the mother of Prosecutor Gang, the man Aurora is considering marrying. The mother, like all drama mamas, doesn't think Aurora is good enough and is too poor for her precious son. Aurora tries not to be distracted by that extremely long nose hair hanging down the woman's face.

 

Suddenly Aurora simply can't take it any more. She pulls her manicure kit out of her purse, grabs the older woman's head to hold it steady, and clips that annoying hair herself. For one brief moment I thought this show had potential but then it turns out this was simply a daydream of Aurora's.

 

Geum Sang invites his wife, Lee Gang Suk (played by Lee Ah Hyun), out for a relaxing massage at the spa. It's here, right in front of the masseuses, that Geum Sang works up the nerve to ask for a divorce. You're a class act, Geum Sang. Gang Suk is totally blindsided by this request and refuses to give him a divorce. This spa's walls must be paper thin as customers in the room next door laugh themselves silly as they listen to the couple's fight.

 

Aurora returns home to her palatial mansion. We learn Aurora's family is actually very wealthy. She just portrays herself as a working-class girl because she wants to find a man to love her for herself, not for her money. She must also have been a late-life baby as her mother looks old enough to be her grandmother.

 

Aurora informs her mom that she's dropping Prosecutor Gang because she can't stand the guy's mother. Suddenly Gang Suk rushes in to tell the women about Geum Sang's request for a divorce. Aurora decides to side with her sister-in-law and help Gang Suk keep her marriage together.

 

Geum Sang and his other brothers, Oh Wang Sang and Oh Soo Sang, meet for lunch and rationalize how it is unnatural to expect a man to stay with the same women for decades. They all must be having a mid-life crisis.

 

The episode ends rather oddly. Three women meet together at the large home of Hwang Ma Ma (played by Oh Chang Suk). He's in bed already so the three women kneel around his bed and start chanting. No, don't ask me what the heck is going on. I have no idea. 

One Warm Word Episode 1

Also known as A Word From A Warm Heart or Kind Words.

 

 

 

Na Eun Jin (played by Han Hye Jin) is eating some nasty pizza while thinking to herself how effed up her life is yet no one knows it. To the world she appears a competent woman with everything going her way. But in reality she has a dangerous secret. A secret someone else appears to know as Eun Jin receives an anonymous note saying she should be in jail.

 

Eun Jin meets with Yoo Jae Hak (played by Ji Jin Hee of The Great Seer. You know, the guy who ran around with a baboon on his head. Something tells me I'm gonna be missing that baboon.) to try and break up with him. Their conversation is interrupted by a phone call from Eun Jin's husband, Kim Sung Soo (played by Lee Sang Woo). Sung Soo starts yelling about her pissing the day away while he works his ass off. She hangs up on him because nobody wants to hear a damn fool yelling.

 

Sung Soo calms down enough to call her back to tell her he had just received news that Dad was dead. Eun Jin and Jae Hak run out to the street. He sees she's gotten upsetting news and he wants to make sure she gets home alright. She insists since they have broken up he shouldn't be worried about her anymore. From across the street someone starts snapping photos of them.

 

The next couple of scenes are to hurriedly introduce the rest of the cast to us. Eun Jin and Sung Soo have a young daughter, Kim Yoon Jung (played by the most adorable Lee Chae Mi of Two Weeks. Pardon me while I squee.) Jae Hak has a wife of his own, Song Mi Kyung (played by Kim Ji Soo), who may or may not have been flirting with her younger brother-in-law. Then there's Eun Jin's sister, Na Eun Young (played by Han Groo of Scandal: A Shocking And Wrongful Incident.) Eun Jin's sister-in-law, Yoon Sun Ah (played by Yoon Joo Hee) who is married to brother Na Jin Chul (played by Yoon Jong Hwa - Il Moody from May Queen!)

 

Anyway, Eun Jin and her whiny husband pack up their adorable daughter to head out to the country where Dad is decomposing. No one notices the car with the extremely dark tinted windows falling in behind their vehicle.

 

Blah blah blah people talk blah blah blah. Sung Soo has a history of cheating on his wife. Eun Jin has a history of getting into cat fights with these other women.

 

So back to the uncomfortable car ride. The mysterious car is riding Sung Soo's bumper. Eun Jin tells Yoon Jung to cover her ears while Mommy asks Daddy for a divorce. As Sung Soo and Eun Jin argue, the mysterious car purposely rams the back of their SUV. Eun Jin isn't wearing a seat belt and hits the dashboard hard.

 

Eun Jin's family rush to the hospital to check on everybody. Yoon Jung blabs to her folks about how Eun Jin had asked Sung Soo for a divorce. Blah blah blah Eun Jin's mom won't shut up blah blah blah.

 

Over at Jae Hak's estate, Mi Kyung must put up with Miss Piggy/MIL. Mi Kyung misses both her boys who are off studying in America. Jae Hak is climbing up a rock wall (and looking rather scrumptious as he does). He thinks back to the first time he met Eun Jin. He was trying to tell her about her skirt being stuck up in her leggings and she was calling him a pervert.

 

Jae Hak comes home to play with his Legos. Look, he's got a Darth Vader action figure! Mi Kyung finds it easier to talk to her young BIL than it is to talk to her husband. She goes downstairs to her own little office. She unlocks a desk drawer to pull out a large envelope. Inside the envelope are pictures of - you guessed it, Jae Hak and Eun Jin.

 

So we know she was behind the pictures being taken, but was she also behind the deliberate car accident?

Three Kingdoms Episode 49

It's on my Bucket List that one day I hope to finally finish this drama.

 

 

Xing Daorong ("I got a wife and kids to support!") returns to Lingling and informs his boss, Liu Du about what happened. Xing claims he had allowed himself to be captured so he could gain access into the camp. Liu Bei himself freed Xing Daorong, showering him with wealth and marrying the general to his daughter. (Does Liu Bei have a daughter? I've never seen her.) Xing goes on to explain he acted like he would work with Liu Bei in betraying the city from the inside but he's not really going to. This is the perfect opportunity for Liu Du's forces to spring a surprise counterattack.

 

Liu Xian is like, "Dude, you're so full of shit," and draws his sword on Xing Daorong, accusing the general of playing them false and working for the enemy. Xing starts blubbering like the big fat baby he is. Old man Liu Du has his son back down. He believes the general is an honest man and so they'll go along with Xing's plan.

 

So that night Liu Bei, Zhang Fei, and what appear to be only a handful of men slip through the city gates that Xing Daorong has opened for them. Once inside Xing discloses that he's now got them trapped and for Liu Bei to surrender. Zhang Fei shouts at the men to protect their lord as they fight their way back out of the gate. Xing orders his forces to follow.

 

During the chase Liu Bei's horse stumbles and he's thrown to the ground. Xing and Liu Xian catch up to the fallen man and celebrate their success at capturing the royal uncle. But as some soldiers move in to tie Liu Bei up his face is made more clear and Xing realizes this isn't Liu Bei but a look-alike.

 

From out of the shadows Zhang Fei leads his army to attack. This time its Liu Xian who is knocked off his horse and taken prisoner. Loudmouth takes the young man back to camp. Zhuge Liang is quite certain they've got Liu Du by the balls as he's devoted to his son and will do anything to get Liu Xian back.

 

Sure enough Liu Du is willing to surrender Lingling and to hand over the official governor's seal to his cousin. Liu Bei politely refuses it and in fact asks Liu Du to keep on being governor since he's done such a great job of it so far. And just like that Liu Du is now on Liu Bei's side.

 

The next city on their world tour is Guiyang. Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun argue over who gets to conquer Guiyang with Zhao Yun ultimately getting the upper hand. (Zhao Yun must have gotten a better agent as he's had way more than one line in this episode.) So Zhao Yun takes his forces and faces off with the Guiyang soldiers.

 

Zhao Yun fights with a Colonel Chen Ying. Chen has a badass trident for all of two seconds before Zhao Yun cuts it in half. But Zhao is nice enough to wait here while Chen goes to get another weapon... which Zhao cuts in half as well. For his third trick, Chen Ying gets the world's biggest barbell (made out of paper mache). Zhao Yun knocks the other guy's horse upside the head, unseating Chen Ying.

 

Zhao Yun is magnanimous enough to let Chen Ying live since he fought so well (i.e. kept losing). Chen reports back to his lord, Zhao Fan, about how great and wonderful Zhao Yun is so Liu Bei must be even more greater and wonderfuller. Therefore they should surrender Guiyang.

 

Zhao Fan is totally against it. Chen Ying and the other generals then imply "You do it or we make you do it." Seeing he's outnumbered, Zhao Fan gives in. Yet once all the generals leave the room, Zhao Fan's advisor, Bao Long, submits a plan of his own.

 

The next day Zhao Fan welcomes Zhao Yun into the city for a supposedly peaceful surrender. They sit down together for a nice celebratory dinner. Zhao Yun's wine is drugged and he falls unconscious. He's disarmed and taken away to bed. When he eventually wakes up Zhao Yun is as shocked as I am to see a woman in this show. She's Zhao Fan's sister-in-law and a widow who has been sent to serve Zhao Yun.

 

And just as quickly she's gone. She had one line, which would actually make her a perfect match for Zhao Yun. Zhao Fan even attempts to hook the two up in marriage. Zhao Yun sees this as an attempt to get him to cross over to the Dark Side and join up with Cao Cao.

 

Zhao Yun (without any weapons) walks out of the building to find Bao Long with a bunch of pike men. Foolish mortals! Zhao Yun doesn't need any weapon to lay the smack down on you. He puts them all down on the ground, taking back his beloved Blue Blade from Bao Long. Not that that goof would even know how to use a sword.

 

The entire military presence comes out to try and stop Zhao Yun from leaving the city. More foolish mortals to fall before Zhao's blade. Just as he and his attendants reach the gate they discover Chen Ying and his forces are blocking the way. Or are they? Chen Ying opens the gate and allows his comrade to escape.

 

Zhao Fan and Bao Long attempt to flee only to be captured by Zhao Yun.

 

Guan Yu! Guan Yu is back! Where the hell have you been? You've been as scarce as a female character in this show. He's been summoned by Liu Bei to receive new orders to take over the province of Changsha. They're giving Guan Yu a chance to make up for that debacle of letting Cao Cao go earlier.

Dracula Episode 6

Of Monsters And Men

Mr. Browning has started to suspect Alexander Grayson is a vampire. Lady Jayne scoffs at the idea. That evening she and her breasts accompany Grayson to a restaurant. He excuses himself for a moment to go over to the table where Harker and Mina are sitting. Lucy is less than thrilled by Dracula's presence and she excuses herself. This allows Lady Jayne an opportunity to invite Lucy over for tea next afternoon while hinting heavily that she knows Lucy's secret.

 

Harker and Mina laugh and stumble through the rain like fools in love. They return back to his home where Mina strips off her wet clothes (but not a corset, because what Victorian woman wears a corset?) Mina has decided that tonight is the night.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Harker reports to work. Grayson is needing some nickel-steel alloy stuff for his steampunk thingy. There's only one place in England that makes it: Empire and Colonial Metallurgy. (The scene of Renfield's abduction.) The business is owned by American Ewan Telford III. Telford may be a Yankee but he's totally into the Wild West thing, including high stakes poker games. And it just so happens he's holding a game tonight.

 

 

A recovering Renfield makes his first appearance to inform Dracula that he has found [insert dramatic music] The Dresden Triptych! It's a 15th century Romanian baroque set to be auctioned off next week. However, Lord Davenport's sources have learned that Grayson really, really wants this thing. Davenport orders some guy named Hackett (with a bad case of road rash on his face) to get this triptych before Grayson does.

 

Dracula returns home after a triumphant game of cards with Telford. Apparently Ewan didn't know when to hold 'em nor when to fold 'em and has now lost his metallurgy business to Grayson. Renfield informs his employer that the board meeting of British Imperial Coolant has been rescheduled and will be held at noon. As chairman of the board, if Grayson doesn't show up he risks losing his position.

 

Over at the university Mina, still snooping around in Professor Van Helsing's secret lab, discovers a bottle of Dracula's blood/serum and injects some of it into a dead rat because... yeah, why not? That's all the world needs is a vampire rat.

 

The next day Lucy arrives for her tea with Lady Jayne. Taking on the role of a mother figure, Lady Jayne assures Lucy that these strange cravings for other women are actually quite common and a natural process of maturation. After getting Lucy all hot and bothered, Lady Jayne advises the young girl to press her suit with Mina.

 

 

Van Helsing catches Mina in his secret room and dismisses her as his assistant. She discloses her experiments with the strange substance she found in his lab. Van Helsing attempts to explain the serum away while... oh no, he's getting out his shiny hammer! The one he used to bash in the heads of those two seers. He's coming up behind her as Mina starts telling her sob story about her mummy dying from cancer. Looks like the sob story works as Van Helsing quickly stashes the Hammer O' Death away.

 

Harker couldn't help himself and helped slip the tidbit about General Shaw's dirty dealings to an old press buddy. The news is now all over England, making Shaw useless to the Order. (Does this mean we won't be seeing any more of Bald British Bloke?) Lord Davenport isn't fooled and confronts Harker about his part in the Shaw debacle. Road Rash gives Harker one ticket to Henrik Ibsen's A Doll House. Harker attends the show and recognizes one of the play's actresses as the woman who gave him all the accounting info on General Shaw.

 

Lucy comes out to Mina. Mina is kind of grossed out.

 

Dracula (is he wearing tighty whities?) is strapped down to a ... well, I don't know what it is but he's strapped to it. Van Helsing is going to ... I don't know what the hell is going on. All I can say is it looks painful for Dracula as Van Helsing tries to saturate the vampire's tissues with the solar serum.

 

The board meeting is being held in a solarium with lots of sunlight and a looooong table with stuffed shirts seated at it. Grayson is late and everyone is whispering about it when Behold! there he is. Renfield keeps anxiously checking his pocket watch as the meeting gets underway. They're not sure how long the serum will work. Renfield comes in and whispers into his boss's ear. Grayson acts like he's being called away by something important. But before they can escape the sunny room Lord Davenport stops Grayson to ask some questions. Dracula has to keep his head turned as part of his face is starting to look like raw meat. Finally Dracula is able to slip away to his carriage where he can scream in pain.

 

Van Helsing is thinking back to the night his family was burned alive by the Order. He recognized Mr. Browning as being one of the men bearing torches that night.

 

Back at the playhouse, everyone is closing up and leaving for the night. The last person left is the actress Vera, the one Harker recognized. She senses Dracula is near and starts protesting she did exactly as he asked. When Dracula appears he looks like the Incredible Melting Man. He feasts on Vera's blood in order to restore his body, as well as to tie up some loose ends.

Thrice Married Woman Episode 1

Also known as The Woman Who Married Three Times. Also known as That Chick Who Just Doesn't Know When To Quit.

 

 

 

An old guy is outside in his backyard, applauding and laughing at Nature. Inside the huge mansion, the old man's son, Kim Joon Goo (played by Ha Suk Jin of Shark) is running on a treadmill. His wife, Oh Eun Soo (played by Lee Ji Ah) is ambling around with a glass of tea on a tray. Ho-hum, Show.

 

Meanwhile, Eun Soo's sister, Oh Hyun Soo (played by Uhm Ji Won) is surrounded by pictures of adorable cats and dogs. What the hell happened to her hair, though? Hyun Soo makes a living by designing clothes for pets.

 

...And, that's all we get of her for the moment.

 

Elsewhere in another palatial mansion, Jung Tae Won (played by Song Chang Ui) is being chewed out by his overbearing mother for not getting his daughter, Seul Gi, away from his ex-wife, Eun Soo. Oddly, the child isn't living with her mother but with her maternal grandparents.

 

Back at the Kim house there's golf talk and "Why ain't she preggers yet?!" talk.

 

Nothing really happens for the next ten looooooong minutes.

 

Eun Soo is out somewhere getting her makeup done when she has an encounter with celebrity Lee Da Mi (played by Jang Hee Jin). Seriously, that's how the woman introduces herself: "I'm celebrity Lee Da Mi." Maybe she's the Kim Kardashian of Korea. Anyway, we learn Celebrity Lee Da Mi is Joon Goo's mistress.

 

Hyun Soo, wearing a frumpy dress suit to go with her frumpy hair, is attending the wedding of Ahn Kwang Moo (played by Jo Han Sun). Is there something supposed to be up between these two? I'm too bored to care. Oh wait, something finally happens. As a depressed Kwang Moo and his chirpy bride are standing at the altar, he suddenly makes tracks for the nearest exit. The mothers of the bride and ex-groom get into a shoving match.

 

Eun Soo stops by to see her abandoned daughter. Seul Gi understandably doesn't want to have anything to do with the bitch. At the same time Tae Won drops by to also see his daughter and Seul Gi showers him with kisses. Eun Soo accuses her ex-husband and his family of brainwashing Seul Gi and causing the emotional distance between mother and daughter. (Oh yeah, it has nothing to do with you abandoning your child and not spending much time with her.)

 

Hyun Soo returns home to discover Kwang Moo asleep in her bed. She kicks him in the junk and orders him out. He whines he has no money and nowhere to go. Hyun Soo breaks down and makes him dinner. Suddenly his jilted bride starts to come through the door. Kwang Moo leaps behind the couch to hide.

 

 

 

I'm patting myself on the back for persevering to the end of this atrocious show. Avoid this Kdrama at all costs!

Dracula Episode 5

The Devil's Waltz

 

 

Mina wakes up to discover Edward Cullen Alexander Grayson is in her bedroom watching her sleep. Dracula warns her she's making a terrible mistake in marrying Jonathan Harker and perhaps there's a part of her who realizes this is true. Mina refuses to call off the wedding but indicates its more than fine with her if Grayson wants to crawl into her bed and start getting it on.

 

Oh, so this is Mina's wet dream.

 

Dracula and Van Helsing are down in the steampunk basement where they plan to test out the professor's sunlight serum on a spare vampire they keep for just such an occasion. Only now does Dracula ask, "Where's Renfield?"

 

Here's Renfield: beaten and tied to a chair while being questioned by the very proper Miss Janina Kleiberson. She brings out her tablecart of torture tools and begins her work, giving Renfield a manicure - from the inside out.

 

Harker is gathering up dirt on General Shaw. He's getting kickbacks from an arms manufacturer. Harker excitedly reports back to his employer but Grayson doesn't want to hear about any of this crap right now. He's worried about Renfield. Harker goes rushing off to make inquiries at the hospitals and morgues and has little time to talk with Mina although their engagement party is tonight. Mina is miffed because of the guest list and how Harker hasn't invited any of his old (poor) chums to the party.

 

Lucy is also upset because she learned Mina had a wet dream last night and she wasn't a part of it.

 

Kleiberson continues torturing Renfield. Its quite icky, what we hear as much as see.

 

Dracula figures Renfield has been abducted by the Order. He's anxious to come to Renfield's rescue but, being a vampire and all, Dracula must wait until the sun goes down. That is, unless Van Helsing's experiment is a success.

 

Ah, but this gives us time for a flashback! We go back twelve years earlier. Night. A train travels through what I take to be the American Southwest. Grayson is on board the train (and back to using his British accent (screw Transylvania!)) and trying to see Mr. Havershim, who is surrounded by armed goons. Grayson is wanting to buy some businesses off of Havershim and offers gold for them.

 

Things get tense when all the goons start cocking their guns. Renfield, who at this time is working as a porter, tries to diffuse the situation by politely offering Grayson some advice as well as a whiskey. Johnny Walker to the rescue!

 

Harker comes back with a lead on what happened to Renfield. Grayson and Van Helsing begin experimenting on the spare vampire strapped down to a table. First step is to shock the hell out of her to see if they can get her heart back to pumping. After injecting the unnamed vampire with the serum, Van Helsing opens the skylight and lets the sun in. She's good for about fifteen seconds then bursts into flames.

 

Night falls and finally Dracula can jump into action. Too bad he takes the horseless carriage as a toddler could probably walk faster than that thing. Dracula uses his vampire sense of smell to track which way they took Renfield.

 

Meanwhile back at the manor the engagement party gets underway and for once I find myself liking Mina's dress. Harker has made a concession to his fiancé by inviting one of his friends from the newspaper.

 

Renfield has been untied from the chair and is surrounded by Kleiberson's "assistants" who take turns kicking the man. This reminds Renfield of the train trip. He had just offered Grayson the whiskey (and a whispered warning about the danger) when Havershim and his "assistants" knock Renfield to the floor and take turns kicking him. Renfield has a limited vision of Grayson going into action and taking out the goons. There's also a brief glimpse of Grayon carrying Havershim's head.

 

Back to the past/present, Kleiberson keeps asking who Grayson loves as her men keep kicking. Renfield starts laughing as he's spied the shadowy figure of Dracula up above. Dracula leaps down to the floor and attacks. OMG, he tore some guy's arm off! OMG! I can't believe NBC showed that!

 

Kleiberson just stands there like an idiot when she should have been running while Dracula was busy dismembering her team.

 

Grayson arrives back at the party about the same time when Lady Wetherby and her breasts arrive. Dracula informs Harker that he's found and retrieved Renfield although he still doesn't know who was behind the abduction. Jayne notices Lucy's looks of longing directed to an oblivious Mina.

 

Grayson tells Jayne about Renfield being kidnapped and such. This is so Dracula can use his vampire lie detector sense to see if Jayne was a part of the whole scheme. She passes. (I'm surprised she's not passing out. How does she breathe with her breasts pushed up like that?) Harker introduces his boss to Mr. Browning, Lord Davenport and some other folks. Grayson shakes hands with all of them then surreptitiously smells his hand as he's trying to literally sniff out the culprit. There's a match! So at least Dracula knows its one of the four men he just met.

 

Jayne confronts Lord Davenport about Renfield. Was this Order business? Davenport acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about.  I wonder if she was using her breasts as a lie detector.

 

Harker thinks the best way to thank Grayson for allowing them to use Carfax Manor for the party is to give Grayson the first dance with Mina. At first Mina is a little stiff but as they twirl around she remembers the erotic dream from before and starts to loosen up. Lucy notices this. Lady Jayne and her breasts notice this. Harker notices this but at least he's able to politely cut in on the dance.

 

That night everyone has to deal with thwarted desires. Dracula gently tends to Renfield's injuries as he thinks back to when he first employed the large man. Renfield had been trained as a lawyer but faced obstacles because of his race which is how he ended up tending the bar on the train. Dracula confides that he too knows what its like to face obstacles because of his difference. Renfield insists he can't work for anyone without complete trust. Dracula agrees that Renfield will know all his secrets.

Reign Episode 1

I meant to watch this show back when it first started but then Real Life became extremely uncooperative and I ended up kind of forgetting about it. Then a bunch of horny women on GoodReads started squeeing about someone called BASH! and using his gif every chance they could, thus I was reminded this show existed.

 

Starring Adelaide Kane, Megan Follows, Torrance Combs and Toby Regbo (who looks an awful lot like a guy I work with).

 

 

 

Okay, we're off to an odd start. A bearded man has a dream where his hands are covered with blood. He awakes suddenly and gasps, "She's coming!" The next shot shows a woman panting heavily. Could you be any more suggestive, CW? BTW, the bearded guy turns out to be Nostradamus. (I could nitpick on how this actor is way to young to be the Nostradamus who knew Catherine de Medici, but there are so many other things that need to be nitpicked instead.)

 

The Great Omniscient Subtitles tell us this is France of 1557 (so naturally everyone has British accents). For her own safety Mary Queen of Scots and the Isles has been hidden away in a French convent since she was nine. What kind of crappy modern folk music is playing? Anyway it's lunch time. The (very talkative) nuns and their charges all sit down to a table to eat. Mary notices a young nun is starting to foam at the mouth and bleed out her ears. Everyone starts screaming but at least one person has the sense to scream for the food to be taken immediately away from Mary. Poison!

 

At the Royal Palace we get to see Mary's intended, Prince Francis, as well as his half-brother Sebastian (said BASH! of aforementioned squeeing). King Henry II and Queen Catherine are getting ready for their daughter's wedding. With much fanfare Mary is brought to court, again for her own safety.

 

She doesn't look a thing like this.

 In fact no one is dressed period appropriate.

 

 



While everyone is outside awaiting the arrival of Mary's carriage, a mysterious masked woman watches from a room upstairs. The Woman in the Burlap Mask! Down below Mary is greeted by her giggling ladies in waiting with the non-sixteenth century sounding names of Kenna, Greer, Aylee and Lola. I hate you all already. Mary and Francis haven't laid eyes on each other since they were children. Now their hearts are aflutter. However there's a dark cloud as Nostradamus warns Catherine he's had a vision: Mary will cost Francis his life.

 

While the giggling girls run off to explore the castle, Mary goes wandering upstairs and discovers Francis' secret laboratory where he makes his own cutlery. The two get some flirting on. Where's your codpiece and poofy pants, Francis? He returns to his rooms where his secret girlfriend (in a really ugly dress) is waiting for him.

 

Mary is out by the castle moat gathering up pretty rocks when her dog starts growling in the direction of the dark forest. Startled, she drops the rocks in the mud. The camera keeps showing them to us so it must be symbolic of something. I just don't know what of. Anyway, Mary totally ignores the growling of the dog and goes up to Francis' room to give him the pretty pebbles. He dresses her down for showing up unannounced. She quickly figures out he's not alone.

 

Disgusted, Mary goes back out to the moat to throw the pebbles into the water. Her dog runs off into the woods. Mary starts to go after him when she's stopped by BASH! who warns her not to ever go into the woods. What, is this the Forbidden Forest? Are there giant spiders and centaurs in there? What? Mary and BASH! get some flirting on.

 

One of the giggling girls, Lola, wants to marry her boyfriend, Colin. They go to Queen Catherine for permission. The Queen sends Lola and her ladies out of the room so it's just Catherine and Colin. We don't get to see (yet) what they talk about.

 

Giggling girl Aylee warns Mary to be careful around BASH! as he's the castle's resident bad boy. Mary is getting ready to bathe when she discovers the pebbles she threw away have reappeared on her dresser. It was The Woman in the Burlap Mask. Hidden behind a screen, the masked woman raspily warns Mary not to drink the wine. Mary discovers a hidden door leading to a secret passage.

 

That evening they celebrate the marriage of Princess Elizabeth of France. (Elizabeth is wearing a white wedding gown even though at that time white was worn more for mourning.) Giggly Lola isn't giggling now as her supposed boyfriend Colin is spending more time with Mary at the prom wedding party.

 

Colin has brought Mary a glass of wine so he can make a toast. Mary remembers the warning she got from Burlap Mask and doesn't drink. Not wanting her BFF to be mad at her, Mary insists Lola and the Girls kick off their shoes and kick up their heels on the dance floor. More horrible music plays. Both Francis and BASH! are enchanted by the uninhibited prom queen.

 

Mary and the Gigglies go to watch the newly married princess get ready to get laid. (Elizabeth and her attendants are now wearing clothes from the seventeenth century! WTH, wardrobe?!) A bunch of old men stand right there next to the bed as the marriage is consummated, which is probably the only historically accurate thing in this entire episode.

 

The girls get all horny seeing this action and go running to look for relief. Lola searches for Colin while another girl finds a helpful King Henry to scratch her itch. More horrible music plays! Mary tracks down Prince Francis but they get into an argument instead of getting it on. She goes on to bed alone when she's awoken by Colin climbing on top of her. She screams and guards rush in while Colin keeps apologizing.

 

It was a setup to ruin Mary's reputation and prevent her from marrying Francis. Colin tells Lola this much but he's too afraid to reveal it was Queen Catherine who put him up to it. The wine was supposed to have drugged Mary so she wouldn't be able to stop Colin from assaulting her. Mary is wearing a horrendous dress. On behalf of her BFF, Mary goes to the King and Queen to plead for Colin but it's too late: he's been beheaded. This causes a big rift between Mary and the Gigglies.

 

BASH! returns Mary's dog. He starts to get his flirt on (BASH!, that is - not the dog) but his mother, Diane, shows up to put a damper on things. After Mary leaves, Diane asks her son where he found the dog. BASH! says cryptic things like the dog was in the woods, drawn to the blood.

 

That night during a thunderstorm Mary is out on the battlements (always a good place to be when its lightning) when she's joined by Burlap. As more excruciatingly bad music plays, Mary thanks the mysterious woman for the warning about the wine. Yet when she turns around the Woman In The Burlap Mask has disappeared.

Almost Human Episode 1

A buddy cop drama?!? Who would have thunk it? Starring Caesar. Julius Caesar (for us old folks) and some other guy.

 

 

 

The year is 2048, and as we all know here in the present, the future sucks. (Hunger Games. Divergent. Just about every other friggin' YA novel out there right now.) With crime out of control and the police heavily outnumbered, the new plan is to pair every cop with an android. No, this isn't Robocop. Well, maybe a little bit.

 

The scene opens with a heavy gun battle straight out of a video game. Detective John Kennex is determined to come to the rescue of his fallen partner. The other androids refuse to help Kennex as the wounded Pehlam has a very low chance of survival and they must protect the other humans. So Isaac Asimov be damned!

 

As Kennex struggles to carry Pehlam away they're shot at by some massive weapon. Pehlam is finished off and Kennex has his leg graphically shot off. Eww.  Before he can crawl away from the carnage, the evil criminals throw a futuristic grenade and Kablooey!

 

Two years and one coma later, Kennex struggles to remember the details of that fateful day and identify the criminals behind the slaughter. As Kennex walks the streets of Bladerunner he has a strange encounter with an android cop who mentions something about people coming over The Wall.

 

The next morning Kennex gets called into police headquarters which is located in the much nicer, much cleaner part of the city. (Looks a great deal like Oasis Landing from the Sims 3 game.) His return to work has mixed reviews from the other cops.

 

There's been a crime recently that may have been done by the same "Insyndicate" that was behind the battle from the first scene. A truck is attacked by masked Anonymous/V members. One of the thieves was shot during the robbery and he's currently being treated at the hospital. Kennex goes to check it out, displeased that he's obligated to have an android partner go with him.

 

The truck that was robbed had been transporting "programmable DNA" as well as something called Myklon Red. This red stuff makes Kennex have a flashback of the botched raid. There had been cannisters of Myklon Red at the sight. Back to the present/future, another (human) cop, Detective Valerie Stahl, explains how this robbery was in the territory of the Khmer Black Gang but she doesn't think they're the ones behind this. As Kennex and his android partner are returning to HQ, Kennex gets tired of the robot, opens the car door and literally throws his partner under the bus. (And how many billions of dollars did that cost the taxpayers, Detective Kennex?)

 

Depeche Mode time!

 

Kennex needs a replacement and goes to see Rudy (the skinny one-eyed guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.) All Rudy has in stock right now is a DRN, or Dorian. Kennex is rather wary of this as Dorian comes from a model series that is known to have problems.

 

Elsewhere, the evil 'N Sync are looking at their Kindle Fires and start shouting, "He's on the move!" Ah, but who is "he" exactly?

 

Officer Whitey McWhite is stopping to grab a cup of coffee when Anonymous strikes again. Officer Whitey's android is damaged in the attack but is still able to record his partner's abduction. Back at HQ Kennex takes a page from The Shield and starts beating up the one Anonymous member they have in custody. Dorian figures out that the suspect from the robbery actually shot himself. The suspect, Trevor, admits he did it as a way to get away from 'N Sync as they're evil. He gives Kennex an address where the kidnapped officer might be.

 

While Kennex and his crew race to the address, Trevor asks to go to the bathroom. Alone in the stall, Trevor gags himself in order to regurgitate some electronic doodad that he sticks to the back of the toilet. Eww.

 

Kennex and Dorian find Whitey McWhite sealed inside a booby-trapped box. Kennex attempts to call the cop who is transporting Trevor to warn her this is a setup. The call is abruptly interrupted when the cop car is attacked and Anonymous rescues Trevor. Meanwhile the booby trap is tripped and the sealed box is filled with a gas that melts poor Whitey McWhite. Eww.

 

Rudy is sent a sample of Whitey's blood. After some exposition of how futuristic cops have to be regularly inoculated and stuff, Rudy says the melted man had Myklon Red and programmable DNA in his blood specifically targeting the inoculation. Whatever. It's designer disease created to target the police force.

 

Kennex goes all Total Recall as he goes to a black market recollectionist in order to dig up more memories of the first raid. The recollectionist warns its too dangerous for Kennex to do this. Kennex is like, "Oh, well, if its dangerous then I won't do it."

 

Of course he doesn't say that!

 

As blood pours from his nose, Kennex starts to seizure as he goes back to that dog day afternoon. Only this time he's able to make a break through and see the person who threw the grenade at him. It was his ex-girlfriend! OMG, Neil Sedaka was right - breaking up is hard to do!

 

The evil 'N Sync are on the roof of the police station. They set up a piece of equipment that will knock out all the cop androids. Dorian is an older model so what's the frequency Kenneth doesn't work on him. Next the Insyndicate is planning to take out the human police force with their designer disease gas when a firefight breaks out and the evil 'N Sync are killed or captured.

 

The reason the criminals were hitting Cop HQ is because of something that's being stored in the Raiders of the Lost Ark evidence warehouse. The problem is the cops don't know what exactly "it" is evil 'N Sync was willing to kill for. That's for later episodes. If there are later episodes, that is.

Golden Rainbow Episode 1

It's 1986 and a nervous woman is waiting outside what passes for a fancy house in Seoul. A car drives up and the woman quickly hides. Two women and a baby get out of the car. Why, is that EMIL from A Hundred Year's Inheritance? What happened to her hair? It's Park Won Sook and here she's playing Kang Jung Sim. But since she's still evil and still a mother, let's just stick with her old moniker of EMIL.

 

Anyway, once Nervous Woman/Yoon Young Hye (played by Do Ji Won) spots the baby she quickly runs over to the group. The baby girl, Ha Bin, belongs to Young Hye and she wants to see her baby. EMIL orders the nanny to take the baby inside. She blames Young Hye for the baby's father dying in a car accident and so won't let the mother see her own child. Young Hye is left locked outside the gates, crying after Ha Bin.

 

Now let's jump to the May Queen set. In fact, isn't that the actor who played Hae Joo's dad? The second one, I mean. That girl had a lot of dads. Speaking of dads, the other guy in this scene played Psycho Dad in City Hunter. City Hunter had a lot of dads as well. But I digress...

 

So these two guys are fisherman. Psycho Dad is Kim Han Joo and is played by Kim Sang Joong. May Queen Dad is Chun Uk Jo (played by Ahn Nae Sang). They've just come back to the dock and have noticed Young Hye waiting for them. She and Han Joo were in the same orphanage together. He asks after her daughter and is surprised to learn how EMIL took Ha Bin away from Young Hye.

 

Han Joo offers his unrequited love a place to stay for the night. Something that sticks in Uk Jo's craw. How can Han Joo be so nice to the woman who ripped his heart to pieces? Suddenly Han Joo's spidey senses start to tingling and he goes looking for Young Hye. She's doing the Slow Walk of Death into the ocean, giving Han Joo plenty of time to stop her from her lame suicide attempt.

 

Back at the big house, EMIL is watching adorable baby Ha Bin toddle around.

 



 

 

 

She's soon joined by her daughter and her son-in-law, Seo Jin Gi (played by Jo Min Ki of Two Weeks.) EMIL doesn't like Jin Gi because he's from the same dang orphanage as Young Hye. Good grief, is everyone on this show an orphan?

 

Jin Gi is shocked and dismayed to have Han Joo get in touch with him. Han Joo has the audacious plan to kidnap Young Hye's baby back and wants Jin Gi's inside help. Reluctantly Jin Gi tells about a birthday party they'll be throwing for Ha Bin up at the big house. Han Joo and Uk Jo clean up as best they can and crash the party.

 

After snatching the baby, the two men don't exactly make a clean getaway. They've been seen by several people, including EMIL. The duo are being chased by several cars (and Ha Bin is not in a protective baby seat!) They're putting this baby into so much danger!

 

Han Joo is able to reunite Ha Bin and Young Hye but Mom is too stupid and too slow to get the hell out of there. Suddenly a bunch of black cars show up with police sirens not far away. Han Joo remembers his fighting skills from City Hunter but alas, he's outnumbered. Ha Bin is once again ripped away from her birth mother. Han Joo is sent to prison for kidnapping. Yet Uk Jo isn't. He must have had a better lawyer.

 

Time skip three years later. Ha Bin is now played by the adorable Lee Chae Mi from Two Weeks. EMIL is showing her grandchild the family business, the Golden Fishery. It's been three years and EMIL's hairstyle is still atrocious. There's a bunch of money missing from the company and EMIL takes it out on Jin Gi (who may actually be responsible for the money being missing in the first place.)

 

The next day EMIL takes Ha Bin to the amusement park. Ha Bin goes running off to see something and gets lost in the crowd. EMIL has the park searched but there's no sign of her granddaughter. EMIL jumps to the conclusion it was Young Hye who somehow made off with Ha Bin. What we know is it was really Jin Gi behind the kidnapping in an effort to distract EMIL from the whole missing money situation.

 

Poor Ha Bin is locked up somewhere in a shed. Ah, but the little girl notices there's a loose board over the window. After working on it, the board falls away and she's able to climb out. Although when she jumps down she lands on the fallen board which had a nail sticking up. I hope she's had her tetanus shot. Crying and bleeding, Ha Bin makes her way to the rocky seaside cliff where May Queen always liked to film.

 

Meanwhile back at the shed Jin Gi's partner in crime has come to feed the girl and discovers she's escaped. He goes running towards the cliff but when he gets there all he finds is one shoe and a bloody stocking. Trying to cover his tracks, the unnamed kidnapper throws the shoe and stocking into the sea, then goes back and burns the shed down.

 

When the police come to investigate the burning building they find the charred remains of a child's pillow. Young Hye identifies the pillow as something she made for her daughter. Following a blood trail, the authorities start searching the cliff and seaside for any sign of Ha Bin. They're able to retrieve the bloody sock and shoe.

 

Jin Gi didn't mean for the little girl to get killed or anything but now that the situation has turned sour he fears being connected to it. The first kidnapper has gone into hiding so Jin Gi orders a second kidnapper to find the first one and silence that guy for good.

 

Young Hye comes to the big house to throw some food around and swear vengeance against EMIL. She'll destroy that precious Golden Fishery.

 

Ha Bin awakens in a small bedroom, her injured leg bandaged. Nearby sits a young boy, Kim Man Won. He had been out walking along the seaside when he discovered her unconscious body washed upon the shore. Also in the bedroom is the boy's sickly grandmother who can't talk. Ha Bin can't talk either, nor can she remember her name or where she came from.

 

Uk Jo and Jin Gi are at the prison to greet Han Joo as he's being released. Han Joo learns about Ha Bin's disappearance and now Young Hye has also gone missing. Uk Jo has been struggling to fish on his own but someone keeps stealing his catch. Han Joo and his buddy stake out the dock and catch the culprits in the act. It's Ha Bin and Man Won. The boy tells the men his sob story of needing the fish for money to take his sick grandmother to the hospital. BTW, Ha Bin has regained her voice.

 

The men accompany the kids back to the hovel to check on Grandma. Turns out she's dead. Much crying ensues. Han Joo and Uk Jo bury the old woman in the backyard. Feeling sorry for the kids and not wanting to send them to the orphanage, Han Joo makes the grand leap of adopting them. (Because it's so easy for a former felon to adopt kids, ya know.) Since Ha Bin can't remember her name, Uk Jo names her Baek Won (which means 10 cents).

 

A rather nice time transition ages Ha Bin/Baek Won up to Kim Yoo Jung of May Queen. (Love her.) Man Won is now played by Seo Young Joo, also of May Queen. And here come the other kids Han Joo has adopted along the way. Were they in May Queen? I wouldn't doubt it at this point.

The King's Daughter Episode 1-2

Seol Hee (played by Seo Woo) is watering and talking to her plant. I guess we're supposed to ignore the fact that she's splattered with blood. On the other side of the plant, holding a bloody sword, is her sister Seol Nan (played by Seo Hyun Jin). Oh yeah, and there's a dead man on the floor. I guess we're supposed to ignore him as well. No, wait, the cameraman wants to make sure we viewers notice the bracelet on the bloody man's wrist. I take it this will be important later on.

 

Seol Nan raises her sword, threatening to cut her sister down for betraying their country of Baekje. Seol Hee (who doesn't act like her elevator goes all the way to the top floor) doesn't think Seol Nan has it in her to actually kills her sibling. Seol Hee steps in close and gives her sister the crazy eye as she reminds Seol Nan of Mother's last words to her.

 

Now we're seeing some woman waking up and rubbing her pregnant belly. Um, is this a flashback? You need to be more clear on these things, Show. I'm going to assume this is Chae Hwa, the mother that Seol Hee was just talking about. However, while we know she's pregnant, it appears she's trying to keep this a secret from the world as she isn't married to the father, Field Marshal Yung (played by Lee Jae Ryong). Chae Hwa naively believes once the Field Marshal returns and learns she's pregnant, he'll drop this whole silly war business and marry her and they'll live happily ever after.

 

Clear words of doom.

 

Elsewhere, CGI soldiers are in the thick of battle. I can't really tell which side is which but I guess the guy in the big fancy suit of armor is the fertile Field Marshal. The Baekje are battling the Northern Wei.

 

Chae Hwa has a dream of the Field Marshal returning to report his victory to King Dong Sung. The king, feeling threatened by the Field Marshal's popularity, orders his potential rival to kill himself.

 

That was kind of short. Let's try another episode.

 

Night falls and everyone celebrates the Lantern Festival. Chae Hwa says a little prayer for Field Marshal to return home safely. The king isn't paying much attention to Scale from Heartless City. The royal eye keeps straying to Chae Hwa.

 

The Field Marshal is off fighting mano-a-mano with the Chinese general. It appears these two are the only ones left of their once mighty CGI armies.

 

Chae Hwa's father, Baek Ga, is upset because he's been ordered by the king to Fort Taedu, Baekje's version of Bumfuck Egypt. (Baek Ga is played by Ahn Suk Hwan. Including The King's Daughter, Ahn has appeared in seven Kdramas in 2013 alone. Seven friggin' dramas!) Anyway, Baek Ga calls together a group of his cronies to foment rebellion.

 

A triumphant Field Marshal Yung has returned to town to report how he whipped Northern Wei's ass. Chae Hwa fears her dream may be prophetic. While King Dong Sung doesn't come right out and order Yung to kill himself, the royal decree is for Yung to leave almost immediately for another war zone. Some courtiers argue against this while Scale is all for it.

 

King Dong Sung suggests a hunting trip. (According to Wikipedia, this is a bad idea on his part.)

Empress Ki Episode 1

The episode begins in Daidu (eventually Beijing), the capital of Yuan. You can tell you're in China because the emperor is wearing that flat hat with the strings hanging down in front of his face. That would so annoy me but then I'm not a Chinese emperor. The Chinese emperor walks up to meet with a Korean man. You can tell he's Korean because he's got that top knot thing going on with the elaborate headband. That and this is a Korean drama so of course there's gotta be some Koreans in it.

 

The Korean is King Wang Yoo of Goryeo (played by Joo Jin Mo). The Chinese is Emperor Huizong (played by Ji Chang Wook of the horrendous Bachelor's Vegetable Store). Wang Yoo announces his plans to return to his home country. Huizong is surprised the Korean king doesn't want to stick around for the coronation of the new empress. After all, if not for her then Wang Yoo would be a dead man. Nope, Wang Yoo ain't stickin' around. Huizong figures it is because the Korean king is still in love with Sungnyang (played by Ha Ji Won).

 

I know Ha Ji Won is a beloved actress in Korea and beyond but to be honest I've just never liked any of her stuff.

 

Sungnyang gets all dressed up for her coronation. All the people (real and CGI) are throwing their arms up in the air in congratulations. Far in the back of the cheering crowd Sungnyang spots Wang Yoo. They both have tears in their eyes. Wang Yoo sighs and turns to leave.

 

This would be a good place for a flashback.

 

Child Sungnyang (played by Hyun Seung Min of May Queen)  is tied up along with her mother and some other women. They are tribute women being sent to Yuan. Nearby on horseback, young Prince Wang Yoo has a refreshing drink. Another man rides up. Oh hey, it's Kim Jung Hyun. He'll be playing Dang Ki Se. Nice pony tail, Ki Se.

 

OMG, according to the credits this show has everybody in it.

 

Anyway, where was I? It's time to move out and the women aren't moving fast enough so this other guy with awesome braids starts whipping then. You'd think they would treat these women better. They're a valuable commodity, after all. Prince Wang Yoo tries to intercede on behalf of the wounded but Braided Guy and Dang Ki Se don't pay this little boy any mind.

 

That night the women are stored in cages. Prince Wang Yoo and his batman Bang Sun Woo (played by Lee Moon Shik) have somehow procured the keys and plan to set the women free. The women (loudly) flee to the forest, Dang and his Blue Wolves in hot pursuit. Sungnyang's mother is killed protecting her daughter. Before she dies she gives Sungnyang a ring and orders her daughter to find the matching ring, therefore finding Sungnyang's father.

 

The bodies of the dead women are recovered. Prince Wang Yoo is out in the rain mourning the fact he couldn't save them. He's approached by Wang Go (played by Lee Jae Young) who basically tells the prince he's useless and hopefully will die while he's over in Yuan.

 

Another place and time. Two men are having lunch. It's Safari from Heartless City! Yay! And he's finally got his fried hair under control. Yay! He's having lunch with one of Chae Won's uncles from A Hundred Year's Inheritance. The two men leave, just missing an encounter with a dirty Sungnyang. She's still searching for the man with the matching ring.

 

As she walks along the streets she sees Evil Dang and his men riding her way. Fearing they'll recognize her, Sungnyang starts to run. She doesn't yield the right of way and is run down by another horseman at an intersection. This guy looks so familiar but I can't say where I've seen him before. What I do know is he's one of Evil Wang Go's people. Feeling responsible for the civilian he just ran over, Familiar Looking Guy takes Sungnyang back to the estate where everyone assumes "she" is a "he."

 

This would be a good place for a time skip.

 

Thirteen years later and Sungnyang has self-trained herself to be a warrior. Everyone still thinks she's a he. Sungnyang is still working for Evil Wang Go, who has his sights on being named the next king of Goryeo. He thinks he has it easy as Prince Wang Yoo is considered a wimp.

 

This would be a good place to cut to Prince Wang Yoo not being a wimp.

 

Wang Yoo is having a fighting match with Jum Park Yi (played by Yoon Yong Hyun) and look there in the crowd - there's Chae Won's other uncle from A Hundred Year's Inheritance. I told you everybody is in this drama.

 

Wang Yoo is looking for a challenge. Park Yi tells him about The Jackal, a legendary fighter and marksman. Guess who the Jackal is. Go on, guess.

 

Wang Yoo challenges Sungnyan to an archery contest.

 

This would be a good place for me to go get a snack while these two fart around.

 

By the time I come back into the room the archery contest is over and Wang Yoo is making Sungnyan's lady parts quiver.

 

But now it's down to business. The real reason Prince Wang Yoo and his team are in town is to investigate Evil Wang Go's involvement in salt contraband. Wang Go is aware of this and orders a beekeeper assassin to take the prince out.

 

Sungnyan takes Wang Yoo out that night to enjoy the Lantern Festival. She spots the beekeeper assassin and jumps in front of Wang Yoo, taking the arrow in her leg. Despite her protests, Wang Yoo picks her up in his arms. This makes her lady parts quiver. Or maybe that's the arrow in her leg. He carries her back to the inn where he's been staying so they can tend to her wound. Sungnyan just barely keeps her sexuality a secret.

 

Under Evil Wang Go's orders, Sungnyan is supposed to be leading Wang Yoo into an ambush. Instead, Wang Yoo and his men are able to catch Sungnyan and her gang in the act of smuggling salt. Stuntmen earn their pay as a fight breaks out. Wang Yoo knew about the ambush because of a secret message sent to him by an unknown informant who has been helping them uncover Evil Wang Go's dealings.

 

Guess who his unknown informant is. Go on, guess.