Reign Episode 1

I meant to watch this show back when it first started but then Real Life became extremely uncooperative and I ended up kind of forgetting about it. Then a bunch of horny women on GoodReads started squeeing about someone called BASH! and using his gif every chance they could, thus I was reminded this show existed.

 

Starring Adelaide Kane, Megan Follows, Torrance Combs and Toby Regbo (who looks an awful lot like a guy I work with).

 

 

 

Okay, we're off to an odd start. A bearded man has a dream where his hands are covered with blood. He awakes suddenly and gasps, "She's coming!" The next shot shows a woman panting heavily. Could you be any more suggestive, CW? BTW, the bearded guy turns out to be Nostradamus. (I could nitpick on how this actor is way to young to be the Nostradamus who knew Catherine de Medici, but there are so many other things that need to be nitpicked instead.)

 

The Great Omniscient Subtitles tell us this is France of 1557 (so naturally everyone has British accents). For her own safety Mary Queen of Scots and the Isles has been hidden away in a French convent since she was nine. What kind of crappy modern folk music is playing? Anyway it's lunch time. The (very talkative) nuns and their charges all sit down to a table to eat. Mary notices a young nun is starting to foam at the mouth and bleed out her ears. Everyone starts screaming but at least one person has the sense to scream for the food to be taken immediately away from Mary. Poison!

 

At the Royal Palace we get to see Mary's intended, Prince Francis, as well as his half-brother Sebastian (said BASH! of aforementioned squeeing). King Henry II and Queen Catherine are getting ready for their daughter's wedding. With much fanfare Mary is brought to court, again for her own safety.

 

She doesn't look a thing like this.

 In fact no one is dressed period appropriate.

 

 



While everyone is outside awaiting the arrival of Mary's carriage, a mysterious masked woman watches from a room upstairs. The Woman in the Burlap Mask! Down below Mary is greeted by her giggling ladies in waiting with the non-sixteenth century sounding names of Kenna, Greer, Aylee and Lola. I hate you all already. Mary and Francis haven't laid eyes on each other since they were children. Now their hearts are aflutter. However there's a dark cloud as Nostradamus warns Catherine he's had a vision: Mary will cost Francis his life.

 

While the giggling girls run off to explore the castle, Mary goes wandering upstairs and discovers Francis' secret laboratory where he makes his own cutlery. The two get some flirting on. Where's your codpiece and poofy pants, Francis? He returns to his rooms where his secret girlfriend (in a really ugly dress) is waiting for him.

 

Mary is out by the castle moat gathering up pretty rocks when her dog starts growling in the direction of the dark forest. Startled, she drops the rocks in the mud. The camera keeps showing them to us so it must be symbolic of something. I just don't know what of. Anyway, Mary totally ignores the growling of the dog and goes up to Francis' room to give him the pretty pebbles. He dresses her down for showing up unannounced. She quickly figures out he's not alone.

 

Disgusted, Mary goes back out to the moat to throw the pebbles into the water. Her dog runs off into the woods. Mary starts to go after him when she's stopped by BASH! who warns her not to ever go into the woods. What, is this the Forbidden Forest? Are there giant spiders and centaurs in there? What? Mary and BASH! get some flirting on.

 

One of the giggling girls, Lola, wants to marry her boyfriend, Colin. They go to Queen Catherine for permission. The Queen sends Lola and her ladies out of the room so it's just Catherine and Colin. We don't get to see (yet) what they talk about.

 

Giggling girl Aylee warns Mary to be careful around BASH! as he's the castle's resident bad boy. Mary is getting ready to bathe when she discovers the pebbles she threw away have reappeared on her dresser. It was The Woman in the Burlap Mask. Hidden behind a screen, the masked woman raspily warns Mary not to drink the wine. Mary discovers a hidden door leading to a secret passage.

 

That evening they celebrate the marriage of Princess Elizabeth of France. (Elizabeth is wearing a white wedding gown even though at that time white was worn more for mourning.) Giggly Lola isn't giggling now as her supposed boyfriend Colin is spending more time with Mary at the prom wedding party.

 

Colin has brought Mary a glass of wine so he can make a toast. Mary remembers the warning she got from Burlap Mask and doesn't drink. Not wanting her BFF to be mad at her, Mary insists Lola and the Girls kick off their shoes and kick up their heels on the dance floor. More horrible music plays. Both Francis and BASH! are enchanted by the uninhibited prom queen.

 

Mary and the Gigglies go to watch the newly married princess get ready to get laid. (Elizabeth and her attendants are now wearing clothes from the seventeenth century! WTH, wardrobe?!) A bunch of old men stand right there next to the bed as the marriage is consummated, which is probably the only historically accurate thing in this entire episode.

 

The girls get all horny seeing this action and go running to look for relief. Lola searches for Colin while another girl finds a helpful King Henry to scratch her itch. More horrible music plays! Mary tracks down Prince Francis but they get into an argument instead of getting it on. She goes on to bed alone when she's awoken by Colin climbing on top of her. She screams and guards rush in while Colin keeps apologizing.

 

It was a setup to ruin Mary's reputation and prevent her from marrying Francis. Colin tells Lola this much but he's too afraid to reveal it was Queen Catherine who put him up to it. The wine was supposed to have drugged Mary so she wouldn't be able to stop Colin from assaulting her. Mary is wearing a horrendous dress. On behalf of her BFF, Mary goes to the King and Queen to plead for Colin but it's too late: he's been beheaded. This causes a big rift between Mary and the Gigglies.

 

BASH! returns Mary's dog. He starts to get his flirt on (BASH!, that is - not the dog) but his mother, Diane, shows up to put a damper on things. After Mary leaves, Diane asks her son where he found the dog. BASH! says cryptic things like the dog was in the woods, drawn to the blood.

 

That night during a thunderstorm Mary is out on the battlements (always a good place to be when its lightning) when she's joined by Burlap. As more excruciatingly bad music plays, Mary thanks the mysterious woman for the warning about the wine. Yet when she turns around the Woman In The Burlap Mask has disappeared.

Almost Human Episode 1

A buddy cop drama?!? Who would have thunk it? Starring Caesar. Julius Caesar (for us old folks) and some other guy.

 

 

 

The year is 2048, and as we all know here in the present, the future sucks. (Hunger Games. Divergent. Just about every other friggin' YA novel out there right now.) With crime out of control and the police heavily outnumbered, the new plan is to pair every cop with an android. No, this isn't Robocop. Well, maybe a little bit.

 

The scene opens with a heavy gun battle straight out of a video game. Detective John Kennex is determined to come to the rescue of his fallen partner. The other androids refuse to help Kennex as the wounded Pehlam has a very low chance of survival and they must protect the other humans. So Isaac Asimov be damned!

 

As Kennex struggles to carry Pehlam away they're shot at by some massive weapon. Pehlam is finished off and Kennex has his leg graphically shot off. Eww.  Before he can crawl away from the carnage, the evil criminals throw a futuristic grenade and Kablooey!

 

Two years and one coma later, Kennex struggles to remember the details of that fateful day and identify the criminals behind the slaughter. As Kennex walks the streets of Bladerunner he has a strange encounter with an android cop who mentions something about people coming over The Wall.

 

The next morning Kennex gets called into police headquarters which is located in the much nicer, much cleaner part of the city. (Looks a great deal like Oasis Landing from the Sims 3 game.) His return to work has mixed reviews from the other cops.

 

There's been a crime recently that may have been done by the same "Insyndicate" that was behind the battle from the first scene. A truck is attacked by masked Anonymous/V members. One of the thieves was shot during the robbery and he's currently being treated at the hospital. Kennex goes to check it out, displeased that he's obligated to have an android partner go with him.

 

The truck that was robbed had been transporting "programmable DNA" as well as something called Myklon Red. This red stuff makes Kennex have a flashback of the botched raid. There had been cannisters of Myklon Red at the sight. Back to the present/future, another (human) cop, Detective Valerie Stahl, explains how this robbery was in the territory of the Khmer Black Gang but she doesn't think they're the ones behind this. As Kennex and his android partner are returning to HQ, Kennex gets tired of the robot, opens the car door and literally throws his partner under the bus. (And how many billions of dollars did that cost the taxpayers, Detective Kennex?)

 

Depeche Mode time!

 

Kennex needs a replacement and goes to see Rudy (the skinny one-eyed guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.) All Rudy has in stock right now is a DRN, or Dorian. Kennex is rather wary of this as Dorian comes from a model series that is known to have problems.

 

Elsewhere, the evil 'N Sync are looking at their Kindle Fires and start shouting, "He's on the move!" Ah, but who is "he" exactly?

 

Officer Whitey McWhite is stopping to grab a cup of coffee when Anonymous strikes again. Officer Whitey's android is damaged in the attack but is still able to record his partner's abduction. Back at HQ Kennex takes a page from The Shield and starts beating up the one Anonymous member they have in custody. Dorian figures out that the suspect from the robbery actually shot himself. The suspect, Trevor, admits he did it as a way to get away from 'N Sync as they're evil. He gives Kennex an address where the kidnapped officer might be.

 

While Kennex and his crew race to the address, Trevor asks to go to the bathroom. Alone in the stall, Trevor gags himself in order to regurgitate some electronic doodad that he sticks to the back of the toilet. Eww.

 

Kennex and Dorian find Whitey McWhite sealed inside a booby-trapped box. Kennex attempts to call the cop who is transporting Trevor to warn her this is a setup. The call is abruptly interrupted when the cop car is attacked and Anonymous rescues Trevor. Meanwhile the booby trap is tripped and the sealed box is filled with a gas that melts poor Whitey McWhite. Eww.

 

Rudy is sent a sample of Whitey's blood. After some exposition of how futuristic cops have to be regularly inoculated and stuff, Rudy says the melted man had Myklon Red and programmable DNA in his blood specifically targeting the inoculation. Whatever. It's designer disease created to target the police force.

 

Kennex goes all Total Recall as he goes to a black market recollectionist in order to dig up more memories of the first raid. The recollectionist warns its too dangerous for Kennex to do this. Kennex is like, "Oh, well, if its dangerous then I won't do it."

 

Of course he doesn't say that!

 

As blood pours from his nose, Kennex starts to seizure as he goes back to that dog day afternoon. Only this time he's able to make a break through and see the person who threw the grenade at him. It was his ex-girlfriend! OMG, Neil Sedaka was right - breaking up is hard to do!

 

The evil 'N Sync are on the roof of the police station. They set up a piece of equipment that will knock out all the cop androids. Dorian is an older model so what's the frequency Kenneth doesn't work on him. Next the Insyndicate is planning to take out the human police force with their designer disease gas when a firefight breaks out and the evil 'N Sync are killed or captured.

 

The reason the criminals were hitting Cop HQ is because of something that's being stored in the Raiders of the Lost Ark evidence warehouse. The problem is the cops don't know what exactly "it" is evil 'N Sync was willing to kill for. That's for later episodes. If there are later episodes, that is.

Golden Rainbow Episode 1

It's 1986 and a nervous woman is waiting outside what passes for a fancy house in Seoul. A car drives up and the woman quickly hides. Two women and a baby get out of the car. Why, is that EMIL from A Hundred Year's Inheritance? What happened to her hair? It's Park Won Sook and here she's playing Kang Jung Sim. But since she's still evil and still a mother, let's just stick with her old moniker of EMIL.

 

Anyway, once Nervous Woman/Yoon Young Hye (played by Do Ji Won) spots the baby she quickly runs over to the group. The baby girl, Ha Bin, belongs to Young Hye and she wants to see her baby. EMIL orders the nanny to take the baby inside. She blames Young Hye for the baby's father dying in a car accident and so won't let the mother see her own child. Young Hye is left locked outside the gates, crying after Ha Bin.

 

Now let's jump to the May Queen set. In fact, isn't that the actor who played Hae Joo's dad? The second one, I mean. That girl had a lot of dads. Speaking of dads, the other guy in this scene played Psycho Dad in City Hunter. City Hunter had a lot of dads as well. But I digress...

 

So these two guys are fisherman. Psycho Dad is Kim Han Joo and is played by Kim Sang Joong. May Queen Dad is Chun Uk Jo (played by Ahn Nae Sang). They've just come back to the dock and have noticed Young Hye waiting for them. She and Han Joo were in the same orphanage together. He asks after her daughter and is surprised to learn how EMIL took Ha Bin away from Young Hye.

 

Han Joo offers his unrequited love a place to stay for the night. Something that sticks in Uk Jo's craw. How can Han Joo be so nice to the woman who ripped his heart to pieces? Suddenly Han Joo's spidey senses start to tingling and he goes looking for Young Hye. She's doing the Slow Walk of Death into the ocean, giving Han Joo plenty of time to stop her from her lame suicide attempt.

 

Back at the big house, EMIL is watching adorable baby Ha Bin toddle around.

 



 

 

 

She's soon joined by her daughter and her son-in-law, Seo Jin Gi (played by Jo Min Ki of Two Weeks.) EMIL doesn't like Jin Gi because he's from the same dang orphanage as Young Hye. Good grief, is everyone on this show an orphan?

 

Jin Gi is shocked and dismayed to have Han Joo get in touch with him. Han Joo has the audacious plan to kidnap Young Hye's baby back and wants Jin Gi's inside help. Reluctantly Jin Gi tells about a birthday party they'll be throwing for Ha Bin up at the big house. Han Joo and Uk Jo clean up as best they can and crash the party.

 

After snatching the baby, the two men don't exactly make a clean getaway. They've been seen by several people, including EMIL. The duo are being chased by several cars (and Ha Bin is not in a protective baby seat!) They're putting this baby into so much danger!

 

Han Joo is able to reunite Ha Bin and Young Hye but Mom is too stupid and too slow to get the hell out of there. Suddenly a bunch of black cars show up with police sirens not far away. Han Joo remembers his fighting skills from City Hunter but alas, he's outnumbered. Ha Bin is once again ripped away from her birth mother. Han Joo is sent to prison for kidnapping. Yet Uk Jo isn't. He must have had a better lawyer.

 

Time skip three years later. Ha Bin is now played by the adorable Lee Chae Mi from Two Weeks. EMIL is showing her grandchild the family business, the Golden Fishery. It's been three years and EMIL's hairstyle is still atrocious. There's a bunch of money missing from the company and EMIL takes it out on Jin Gi (who may actually be responsible for the money being missing in the first place.)

 

The next day EMIL takes Ha Bin to the amusement park. Ha Bin goes running off to see something and gets lost in the crowd. EMIL has the park searched but there's no sign of her granddaughter. EMIL jumps to the conclusion it was Young Hye who somehow made off with Ha Bin. What we know is it was really Jin Gi behind the kidnapping in an effort to distract EMIL from the whole missing money situation.

 

Poor Ha Bin is locked up somewhere in a shed. Ah, but the little girl notices there's a loose board over the window. After working on it, the board falls away and she's able to climb out. Although when she jumps down she lands on the fallen board which had a nail sticking up. I hope she's had her tetanus shot. Crying and bleeding, Ha Bin makes her way to the rocky seaside cliff where May Queen always liked to film.

 

Meanwhile back at the shed Jin Gi's partner in crime has come to feed the girl and discovers she's escaped. He goes running towards the cliff but when he gets there all he finds is one shoe and a bloody stocking. Trying to cover his tracks, the unnamed kidnapper throws the shoe and stocking into the sea, then goes back and burns the shed down.

 

When the police come to investigate the burning building they find the charred remains of a child's pillow. Young Hye identifies the pillow as something she made for her daughter. Following a blood trail, the authorities start searching the cliff and seaside for any sign of Ha Bin. They're able to retrieve the bloody sock and shoe.

 

Jin Gi didn't mean for the little girl to get killed or anything but now that the situation has turned sour he fears being connected to it. The first kidnapper has gone into hiding so Jin Gi orders a second kidnapper to find the first one and silence that guy for good.

 

Young Hye comes to the big house to throw some food around and swear vengeance against EMIL. She'll destroy that precious Golden Fishery.

 

Ha Bin awakens in a small bedroom, her injured leg bandaged. Nearby sits a young boy, Kim Man Won. He had been out walking along the seaside when he discovered her unconscious body washed upon the shore. Also in the bedroom is the boy's sickly grandmother who can't talk. Ha Bin can't talk either, nor can she remember her name or where she came from.

 

Uk Jo and Jin Gi are at the prison to greet Han Joo as he's being released. Han Joo learns about Ha Bin's disappearance and now Young Hye has also gone missing. Uk Jo has been struggling to fish on his own but someone keeps stealing his catch. Han Joo and his buddy stake out the dock and catch the culprits in the act. It's Ha Bin and Man Won. The boy tells the men his sob story of needing the fish for money to take his sick grandmother to the hospital. BTW, Ha Bin has regained her voice.

 

The men accompany the kids back to the hovel to check on Grandma. Turns out she's dead. Much crying ensues. Han Joo and Uk Jo bury the old woman in the backyard. Feeling sorry for the kids and not wanting to send them to the orphanage, Han Joo makes the grand leap of adopting them. (Because it's so easy for a former felon to adopt kids, ya know.) Since Ha Bin can't remember her name, Uk Jo names her Baek Won (which means 10 cents).

 

A rather nice time transition ages Ha Bin/Baek Won up to Kim Yoo Jung of May Queen. (Love her.) Man Won is now played by Seo Young Joo, also of May Queen. And here come the other kids Han Joo has adopted along the way. Were they in May Queen? I wouldn't doubt it at this point.

The King's Daughter Episode 1-2

Seol Hee (played by Seo Woo) is watering and talking to her plant. I guess we're supposed to ignore the fact that she's splattered with blood. On the other side of the plant, holding a bloody sword, is her sister Seol Nan (played by Seo Hyun Jin). Oh yeah, and there's a dead man on the floor. I guess we're supposed to ignore him as well. No, wait, the cameraman wants to make sure we viewers notice the bracelet on the bloody man's wrist. I take it this will be important later on.

 

Seol Nan raises her sword, threatening to cut her sister down for betraying their country of Baekje. Seol Hee (who doesn't act like her elevator goes all the way to the top floor) doesn't think Seol Nan has it in her to actually kills her sibling. Seol Hee steps in close and gives her sister the crazy eye as she reminds Seol Nan of Mother's last words to her.

 

Now we're seeing some woman waking up and rubbing her pregnant belly. Um, is this a flashback? You need to be more clear on these things, Show. I'm going to assume this is Chae Hwa, the mother that Seol Hee was just talking about. However, while we know she's pregnant, it appears she's trying to keep this a secret from the world as she isn't married to the father, Field Marshal Yung (played by Lee Jae Ryong). Chae Hwa naively believes once the Field Marshal returns and learns she's pregnant, he'll drop this whole silly war business and marry her and they'll live happily ever after.

 

Clear words of doom.

 

Elsewhere, CGI soldiers are in the thick of battle. I can't really tell which side is which but I guess the guy in the big fancy suit of armor is the fertile Field Marshal. The Baekje are battling the Northern Wei.

 

Chae Hwa has a dream of the Field Marshal returning to report his victory to King Dong Sung. The king, feeling threatened by the Field Marshal's popularity, orders his potential rival to kill himself.

 

That was kind of short. Let's try another episode.

 

Night falls and everyone celebrates the Lantern Festival. Chae Hwa says a little prayer for Field Marshal to return home safely. The king isn't paying much attention to Scale from Heartless City. The royal eye keeps straying to Chae Hwa.

 

The Field Marshal is off fighting mano-a-mano with the Chinese general. It appears these two are the only ones left of their once mighty CGI armies.

 

Chae Hwa's father, Baek Ga, is upset because he's been ordered by the king to Fort Taedu, Baekje's version of Bumfuck Egypt. (Baek Ga is played by Ahn Suk Hwan. Including The King's Daughter, Ahn has appeared in seven Kdramas in 2013 alone. Seven friggin' dramas!) Anyway, Baek Ga calls together a group of his cronies to foment rebellion.

 

A triumphant Field Marshal Yung has returned to town to report how he whipped Northern Wei's ass. Chae Hwa fears her dream may be prophetic. While King Dong Sung doesn't come right out and order Yung to kill himself, the royal decree is for Yung to leave almost immediately for another war zone. Some courtiers argue against this while Scale is all for it.

 

King Dong Sung suggests a hunting trip. (According to Wikipedia, this is a bad idea on his part.)

Empress Ki Episode 1

The episode begins in Daidu (eventually Beijing), the capital of Yuan. You can tell you're in China because the emperor is wearing that flat hat with the strings hanging down in front of his face. That would so annoy me but then I'm not a Chinese emperor. The Chinese emperor walks up to meet with a Korean man. You can tell he's Korean because he's got that top knot thing going on with the elaborate headband. That and this is a Korean drama so of course there's gotta be some Koreans in it.

 

The Korean is King Wang Yoo of Goryeo (played by Joo Jin Mo). The Chinese is Emperor Huizong (played by Ji Chang Wook of the horrendous Bachelor's Vegetable Store). Wang Yoo announces his plans to return to his home country. Huizong is surprised the Korean king doesn't want to stick around for the coronation of the new empress. After all, if not for her then Wang Yoo would be a dead man. Nope, Wang Yoo ain't stickin' around. Huizong figures it is because the Korean king is still in love with Sungnyang (played by Ha Ji Won).

 

I know Ha Ji Won is a beloved actress in Korea and beyond but to be honest I've just never liked any of her stuff.

 

Sungnyang gets all dressed up for her coronation. All the people (real and CGI) are throwing their arms up in the air in congratulations. Far in the back of the cheering crowd Sungnyang spots Wang Yoo. They both have tears in their eyes. Wang Yoo sighs and turns to leave.

 

This would be a good place for a flashback.

 

Child Sungnyang (played by Hyun Seung Min of May Queen)  is tied up along with her mother and some other women. They are tribute women being sent to Yuan. Nearby on horseback, young Prince Wang Yoo has a refreshing drink. Another man rides up. Oh hey, it's Kim Jung Hyun. He'll be playing Dang Ki Se. Nice pony tail, Ki Se.

 

OMG, according to the credits this show has everybody in it.

 

Anyway, where was I? It's time to move out and the women aren't moving fast enough so this other guy with awesome braids starts whipping then. You'd think they would treat these women better. They're a valuable commodity, after all. Prince Wang Yoo tries to intercede on behalf of the wounded but Braided Guy and Dang Ki Se don't pay this little boy any mind.

 

That night the women are stored in cages. Prince Wang Yoo and his batman Bang Sun Woo (played by Lee Moon Shik) have somehow procured the keys and plan to set the women free. The women (loudly) flee to the forest, Dang and his Blue Wolves in hot pursuit. Sungnyang's mother is killed protecting her daughter. Before she dies she gives Sungnyang a ring and orders her daughter to find the matching ring, therefore finding Sungnyang's father.

 

The bodies of the dead women are recovered. Prince Wang Yoo is out in the rain mourning the fact he couldn't save them. He's approached by Wang Go (played by Lee Jae Young) who basically tells the prince he's useless and hopefully will die while he's over in Yuan.

 

Another place and time. Two men are having lunch. It's Safari from Heartless City! Yay! And he's finally got his fried hair under control. Yay! He's having lunch with one of Chae Won's uncles from A Hundred Year's Inheritance. The two men leave, just missing an encounter with a dirty Sungnyang. She's still searching for the man with the matching ring.

 

As she walks along the streets she sees Evil Dang and his men riding her way. Fearing they'll recognize her, Sungnyang starts to run. She doesn't yield the right of way and is run down by another horseman at an intersection. This guy looks so familiar but I can't say where I've seen him before. What I do know is he's one of Evil Wang Go's people. Feeling responsible for the civilian he just ran over, Familiar Looking Guy takes Sungnyang back to the estate where everyone assumes "she" is a "he."

 

This would be a good place for a time skip.

 

Thirteen years later and Sungnyang has self-trained herself to be a warrior. Everyone still thinks she's a he. Sungnyang is still working for Evil Wang Go, who has his sights on being named the next king of Goryeo. He thinks he has it easy as Prince Wang Yoo is considered a wimp.

 

This would be a good place to cut to Prince Wang Yoo not being a wimp.

 

Wang Yoo is having a fighting match with Jum Park Yi (played by Yoon Yong Hyun) and look there in the crowd - there's Chae Won's other uncle from A Hundred Year's Inheritance. I told you everybody is in this drama.

 

Wang Yoo is looking for a challenge. Park Yi tells him about The Jackal, a legendary fighter and marksman. Guess who the Jackal is. Go on, guess.

 

Wang Yoo challenges Sungnyan to an archery contest.

 

This would be a good place for me to go get a snack while these two fart around.

 

By the time I come back into the room the archery contest is over and Wang Yoo is making Sungnyan's lady parts quiver.

 

But now it's down to business. The real reason Prince Wang Yoo and his team are in town is to investigate Evil Wang Go's involvement in salt contraband. Wang Go is aware of this and orders a beekeeper assassin to take the prince out.

 

Sungnyan takes Wang Yoo out that night to enjoy the Lantern Festival. She spots the beekeeper assassin and jumps in front of Wang Yoo, taking the arrow in her leg. Despite her protests, Wang Yoo picks her up in his arms. This makes her lady parts quiver. Or maybe that's the arrow in her leg. He carries her back to the inn where he's been staying so they can tend to her wound. Sungnyan just barely keeps her sexuality a secret.

 

Under Evil Wang Go's orders, Sungnyan is supposed to be leading Wang Yoo into an ambush. Instead, Wang Yoo and his men are able to catch Sungnyan and her gang in the act of smuggling salt. Stuntmen earn their pay as a fight breaks out. Wang Yoo knew about the ambush because of a secret message sent to him by an unknown informant who has been helping them uncover Evil Wang Go's dealings.

 

Guess who his unknown informant is. Go on, guess.

Dracula Episode 4

From Darkness To Light

 

We start on an early version of the subway. Somebody covered in a blanket appears to be drunk. Sitting further down the car is a trio of vampires. Slowly they get up and start stalking their prey. Only who is really the prey here? Lady Jayne throws off her blanket and gets her Buffy on. The third vampire, Josef Cervanka, knows an ass kicking when he sees one and he escapes off the moving train. He goes to Carfax Manor to seek asylum from his old master, Dracula.

 

Alexander Grayson has offered his palatial home for Harker and Mina's engagement party. Watching from the shadows, Josef can't help but notice the similarities between Mina and Dracula's long-dead wife. While Mina and Lucy discuss floral arrangements, Dracula gives Harker a mission to research General Colin Shaw who is advocating war with the Ottoman Empire. After Harker and Lucy leave, Grayson offers to show Mina a test run of his steampunk thingy in the basement. Suddenly things start to blow up and blow steam. Dracula grabs Mina to shelter her with his body.

 

Van Helsing tests his latest sunscreen serum on Dracula. It kinda sort of works, if you discount the flames bursting out of Dracula's fingertips. Now all Vlad needs is a heart that pumps or at least something like it.

 

Back at Van Helsing's laboratory, Mina is supposed to be working but instead is nosing around. She discovers a secret door that is locked. Naturally she just has to find out what is behind the door. It's another laboratory. Naturally she just has to find out what is on these slides. They're samples of blood (Dracula's).

 

Lucy kinda sort of makes a confession of love but Mina is too thick-headed to get it.

 

Grayson takes Lady Jayne out to a mud wrestling match. This totally turns her on. They can't get their clothes off fast enough.

 

Josef has been snacking down in the kitchen... on the kitchen staff.

 

Mr. Browning and crew meet with General Ogilvy and General Shaw. There's that bald British actor whose name I still can't recall. He's playing General Shaw. Good thing too as Mr. Browning is tired of General Ogilvy and has him strangled. At least Bald British Bloke has some lines this episode.

 

(A-ha, the guy's name is Peter Woodward. Thank you, Scott G. That was driving me crazy.)

 

Lord Davenport sets off on his own private crusade to destroy Alexander Grayson for what happened to Daniel. Daddy Davenport meets with a Miss Kleiberson to arrange revenge.

 

Renfield expresses his distrust and dislike of Dracula's buddy, Josef.

 

Lady Jayne's breasts invite Grayson over in order to break up with him.

 

Josef asks his master for permission to kill Jayne. Dracula seems to give it to him. Jayne is asleep in her bed when Josef appears in her bedroom. Suddenly Grayson grabs Josef from behind. The two men struggle with Grayson appearing to be knocked out. All this noise rouses Jayne from her sleep and she beheads Josef, his vampire ashes swirling around like a mini tornado. Grayson comes to and Jayne assures him he scared the intruder away. She now sees Grayson as the man who came to her rescue (or at least tried).

 

As part of his assignment to dig up dirt on Shaw, Harker meets with a one-armed veteran who in turn directs Jonathan to a woman called Vera Markham. And that's all we see about that until next episode.

 

Renfield is out doing business on behalf of the steampunk thingy. He's attacked, knocked out and dragged away by Lord Davenport's minions.

Dracula Episode 3

Goblin Merchant Men

 

 

Do you like your men in chains? Then you're in luck as the opening scene has our wet and half-dressed protagonist with an iron collar around his throat as he fends off his attackers. The goons are dressed in Medieval armor so I take it this is a flashback. They finally outnumber Dracula and beat him into the ground. When Dracula (or Vlad at this point) regains consciousness he finds himself surrounded by men in robes.

 

A hairy old man holding a ram's skull approaches the restrained Vlad. He tips the skull allowing thick, dark blood to be forced down Vlad's throat. Then, just for good measure, the hairy guy takes out a dagger and slits the prisoner's throat. Slowly dying on the cobblestones, Vlad has a vision of his beloved Iiona/Mina.

 

When he awakens again, Vlad is hanging from the ceiling. A monk enters the cell to explain Vlad has been punished by the Order of the Dragon for defying them and God. They have made him into a monster, the Undead.

 

Now back to London times.

 

(Dracula reminds me in a way of Bridal Mask. The show has only one street to use to represent an entire city.)

 

Lucy, still wearing her awful colours, has stopped by Mina's house to console her broken-hearted friend. (I still want to throttle the hairdressers of this show. Late 19th century English women didn't run around with their hair down like they do in this program!)

 

Lady Jayne Wetherby and her breasts have stopped by the insane asylum to talk with Dr. Murray, Mina's father, about treating her junkie psychics.

 

Dr. Murray is having tea with his old colleague, Professor Van Helsing, and asking for a new drug. Apparently doctor/client confidentiality hasn't been invented yet as Murray blabs about Lady Jayne being his patient. Van Helsing in turn reports back to Dracula who orders Van Helsing to provide the drug as it's obviously meant for the junkie seers.

 

That evening (or at least some evening) Dracula and Jayne have done the do and she's asleep. He takes the time to get half dressed and search her home. Dracula easily finds a secret door that takes him down to Jayne's dungeon. Behind a barred door he finds a grimy woman with vampire teeth. She reaches out to Dracula and begs him to kill her. He doesn't. When Dracula returns to Jayne's bedroom, his red eyes have tears in them.

 

Daniel Davenport surprises me as he actually does make it to Episode 3. He and dad, Lord Davenport, are out having lunch at a restaurant when Daddy spots poor Jonathan Harker sitting all by himself. Daddy calls the maitre'd over intending to send an expensive bottle of wine to Harker's table. The maitre'd reveals that Mr. Harker had just now ordered an expensive bottle of wine to be sent over to the Davenport table. Oh, and there's that bald British guy I've seen elsewhere before but for the life of me I can't remember his name. He did a series on the History Channel about Egypt. But that's neither here nor there as he turns out to not have any lines.

 

Lucy takes Mina out on the town to forget about Jonathan. They get publicly drunk and disorderly, just like 19th century ladies DID NOT DO.

 

Daniel Davenport begs his (surprisingly buff) lover to run away with him far out of the reach of The Order. Lord Laurent declines. He understands he's in big trouble with the Dragons for selling his coolant shares to Dracula. Laurent won't be a coward and run away from his impending doom.

 

It's early in the morning and our drunk debutantes are stumbling their way back home. Across the street in his carriage, Dracula wants to watch as Mina discovers a large bouquet of roses on the doorstep but the sun is coming up and Renfield feels the need to protect his master from the harmful UV rays. They return home to Carfax Manor where Dracula rants at Van Helsing for not working on the solar vaccine for him.

 

Lord Laurent is brought before the members of the Order, which includes his lover, Daniel. Mr. Browning proclaims that it is written in the Order's bylaws that anyone betraying the Order shall get a big blade rammed into his chest. Daniel must look on as Laurent's fast-flowing blood pools at the young man's feet. (Wow, I didn't think they would kill Laurent off the show so quickly.)

 

Tonight Lucy takes Mina out to a dive bar where they can try Absinthe and listen to hippy music. (It's Anemone by The Brian Jonestown Massacre in case you're wondering.) As the liquor kicks in, Mina watches as everyone dirty dances in slow motion. Some viewers are getting the vibe that Lucy swings both ways and right now she's wanting Mina to swing with her.

 

Mina gets up and stumbles her way into a vision. She finds herself in a cobblestone courtyard, the same place where Vlad had been chained and beaten. When she wakes up, Mina is hit upon by a hippy poet painter. When she laughs off his advances, the hippy gets angry. Before he can do anything to her, though, Dracula grabs the hippy by the collar and throws the man across the room.

 

Mina wakes up after her night of partying to discover it's two in the afternoon and she's missed today's lecture. She meets with Professor Van Helsing who gives her a hangover concoction. (Mina is wearing a short sleeved shirt as 19th century ladies DID NOT DO.) She asks her mentor for another chance to prove herself worthy.

 

Van Helsing sends the new drug to Dr. Murray who sends it to Jayne Wetherby who sends it to her junkie seers. The seers tap into the Porn Channel as Dracula and Jayne are writhing together on top of her bed. Suddenly the voyeurs are stricken by paralysis. They're conscious but can't move. Van Helsing walks in with his little black bag of doom. He takes out a nice shiny metal hammer and bludgeons the seers to a pulp.

 

Jonathan and Mina kiss and make up, thanks in part to Dracula.

 

Mr. Browning and Jayne Wetherby find the dead junkies. Jayne fears London will now be overrun with vampires.

 

A distraught Daniel Davenport shoots his brains out. (I knew he wouldn't last long; I just got the episode number wrong.) Daddy Davenport finds his dead son as well as the suicide note that explains how "Alexander Grayson" had blackmailed the late Lord Laurent into selling his company shares.

Dracula Episode 2

A Whiff Of Sulfur

 

 

We go back a few years to Romania, 1881, when Van Helsing slit that guy's throat and re-animated Dracula. Drac doesn't wake up in too good of a mood so Van Helsing has to use his crucifix switchblade to keep the vampire under control until they make their deal to destroy the Order of the Dragon. (Why does a 15th century Transylvanian have a British accent?)

 

Back to London where Van Helsing rebukes Dracula for killing Kruger and alerting the Order to the fact there's a vampire in town. At the same time Van Helsing is wielding big ass hypodermic needles and taking large samples of Dracula's blood. The professor is experimenting to find a way for Dracula to be able to walk in sunlight without sizzling.

 

Elsewhere in London our other main characters are having a nice luncheon while watching a fencing tournament. Lucy (the actress looks like a poor man's Keira Knightly) is wearing horribly clashing colours as she chooses her champion/lover. Up in the balcony, Jayne Wetherby and that mysterious man whose name I still don't know are talking about replacing the dead Kruger. Jayne volunteers to handle it herself. Mystery Man isn't too happy with Jayne's use of dementors seers.

 

Lucy's choice is beaten by Daniel Davenport. He's the son of Lord Davenport, a member of the Order. Later out in the hall Daniel is greeted by Lord Laurent, another Order member. They secretly make plans to meet later. Um, am I supposed to think what I'm thinking?

 

Lord Laurent is asked to stop by and meet with "Alexander Grayson". Grayson wants to buy Laurent's shares of the British Imperial Coolant. Or something like that. Laurent is frightfully insulted at the offer as only a British lord can be.

 

Later that night Dracula and Renfield take the horseless carriage out for a spin (all of 5 mph!) to the offices of The Inquisitor, the newspaper Jonathan Harker works for. Renfield dares to ask his boss why Dracula doesn't simply turn Mina into a vampire. Dracula tries to explain how morally wrong that would be although he can't bear the thought of losing her twice.

 

After picking up Harker, Dracula takes them all out townhouse shopping. Dracula makes a job offer to the ambitious (and poor) reporter to come work for him. As an extra perk, the townhouse would be at Harker's disposal. Nevermind that it's Dead Clive's old place. They've cleaned his blood up off the front stoop.

 

Somewhere in an opium den Jayne Wetherby (wearing a long leather coat so you know she means business) has come to yell at her junkie seers and warn them to start seering or they'll answer to Mr. Browning. Is that the name of Mystery Man?

 

Harker tells Mina about the job offer. Mina is thrilled and pushes her boyfriend to accept it. Harker, perhaps due to his reporter instincts, has his reservations about it.

 

Jayne is having dinner with Dracula. Once again her breasts are about to pop out of her dress. Not that she's going to be in that dress for long as she and "Alexander Grayson" get all slobbery on each other. Parental discretion is advised.

 

Mina is walking to her school when Grayson stops his carriage and offers her a ride before it starts to rain. She's confides in him her worries about an upcoming exam. He gives her a little pep talk. Mina proceeds with her examination by dissecting a man and not getting a drop of blood on her.

 

The junkie seers are looking into their giant mirror and can see the back of Dracula. He can sense them and turns around. Baring his fangs he lunges. The mirror cracks with blood seeping through.

 

Jayne reports the incident to Mystery Man/Mr. Browning? Only a very old vampire, at least a couple of centuries old, would have had the power to sense the seers and strike back. There hasn't been anything like this since Lucrezia Borgia, who apparently was also a vampire.

 

Against his better judgment, and because he's tired of not being able to pick up the check, Harker takes up Grayson's offer. As his first assignment, Harker tells Grayson of a certain club Lord Laurent likes to hang out at. While it's no Turkish bath, those Hooter girls aren't girls, if you know what I mean.

 

Ah, young Daniel Davenport is there with Laurent so I was supposed to be think what I was thinking. NBC, you're showing two men kissing!? I'm shocked! But then, you are the Peacock Network. Laurent isn't pleased to see Grayson in this private club. He's even less pleased when Grayson leans in and gives young Davenport a sweet little kiss on the lips. Parental discretion is still advised.

 

Grayson gets right to the blackmailing. What would Laurent's wife or Davenport's father think of their inclinations? What would it do to the reputation of their families?

 

Over at the newspaper, Harker is showing off the teeny tiny engagement ring he plans to present to Mina tonight. One of the extras asks some silly question about how can a wife be a physician as well? Harker, who's had a few too many already, is confident that once he puts the ring on Mina's finger she'll forget all this silly nonsense about going to college and having a career.

 

And of course Mina just came into the room in time to hear all this.

 

Dracula is out at a restaurant and has chosen the hatcheck girl as his main course. He's ripping out her throat in a back alley when he hears footsteps approaching. He slips away just as Jayne and her kukri come around the corner. Since he wasn't able to finish the job, Jayne cuts the girl's head off. I guess so she won't become a vampire.