The Horse Healer Episode 1

I thought Panda and Hedgehog was confusing, but this show had my head spinning from the first three minutes. What? Huh?

 

A man stumbles alone through the desert. Finally reaching his limit, he collapses as he thinks to himself, "Today I killed a man."

 

Suddenly we cut to a home. A woman (perhaps a nurse?) rushes into a birthing room. The mother doesn't appear to be moving, but the baby is alive and well and boy, does he have a head of hair. The nurse hurriedly wraps the baby up and dashes out of the house, only to be confronted by a hoard of soldiers. She begs for baby's life, but cruelly the soldiers tear the child out of her arms and (offscreen) appear to kill the baby.

 

Now back to the desert. The man wishes he had never left his home of green grass and running horses. Especially, he wishes he had never met Kang Dojun (played by Jun No Min, fresh from Bridal Mask.) Quick scene of Kang Dojun and our desert man (whose name is Yi Myonghwan) introducing themselves. Suddenly there's a shot of Dojun, Myonghwan, and a woman running wildly through the night. Now they're sitting around on the ground, congratulating themselves on being such great fence jumpers and introducing the woman as Jang In Joo. (Is that the woman from the baby killing scene? These short flashes of scenes are confusing me.) Now there are three more people running through the night. There's Myonghwan and In Joo, but the third guy isn't Dojun. They're trying to scramble over a low wall. Cut to Dojun shopping for shoes. Now they're all laughing over something. There's more running in the night. Kang Dojun is being arrested. What the friggin' hell is going on?

Back to the desert. Yi Myonghwan just lies there, the wind whipping at his clothes. His belt comes lose and blows high up in the air. When it comes down, the scenery has changed to rolling green hills. A smiling Kang Dojun is walking along. Because DramaKoreans love to talk aloud to themselves, we learn the place he has reached (the place Myonghwan wished he'd never left) is Salgoji Ranch. A vet treats a horse as Dojun watches and asks all sorts of questions.

Suddenly there's a ruckus. Dojun goes to see what's up. A horse that was being treated elsewhere has broken lose and he ain't happy. He's running and kicking up a storm, people scattering out of his way. The horse starts galloping towards Dojun, who just stands there like an idiot. Thank goodness Myonghwan (with a very bad wig on) was watching and knocks Dojun out of the way. After dealing with him, Myonghwan leaps onto the back of the bucking bronco and brings the horse under control. Yet despite being the hero of the moment, there's tension between Myonghwan and the elderly head veterinarian. Absolutely gross stuff is done to this poor horse! Seriously, the old vet sticks a bamboo tube up the horse's rectum in order to get a stool sample, and the camera just had to get a close up of the action.

Oh, turns out the elderly vet is Myonghwan's father. He's angry with his son for being around the animals and getting all smelly when there's to be an important person visiting him  today. Dad wants a better life for Myonghwan, to be a real doctor and not a lowly vet. The visitor is the well-dressed Dr. Jang. Dad hopes Jang will take Myonghwan on as an apprentice. Jang is reticent at first until Myonghwan impresses him by diagnosing what's wrong with Jang's companion just by looking at the man. Dr. Jang agrees to take Myonghwan with him back to the capital to study at the royal medical school.

Time passes as Myonghwan enters the school and begins his studies. He overhears some other students talking about a nobleman's son being in the school. This would be Kang Dojun. They also gripe about a mere horse doctor being allowed to study alongside them. Now everything will smell like horse manure.

Night falls and a foot patrol marches around. Myonghwan is sneaking along a low wall when he's suddenly grabbed from behind. It's Dojun, warning him to also look out for the fire watch as they too march along in the night. Myonghwan is wanting to sneak into the library to find some old medical doctrines. Dojun volunteers to help him get in.


And that's as much as I'm going to watch of this.

May Queen Episode 14

As Dal Soon tearfully tells the story of Hong Chul coming home one day with a baby girl, I can't help but be distracted by Hae Joo's bulging cheek. Chew and swallow, girl! Chew and swallow! Anyway, Saint Hae Joo admits she's known since childhood Dal Soon wasn't her birth mother, but her saintliness allowed her to forgive and endure Dal Soon's wicked ways. If only we could all be as saintly as Hae Joo, the world would be a better place.

 

Kang San is talking to some guy I don't recall seeing before. San and this guy figure out that Il Mun is using the funds he's been embezzling to search for oil in Indonesia while trying to keep it a secret from his dad.

 

Bitch slap! Dad knows.

 

Jeong Woo warns Chang Hee how dangerous it could get going after Jang Do Hyun. Chang Hee reveals that he's been collecting evidence on Do Hyun for some time in order to get revenge.

 

The Jang family is sitting around the dinner table talking about In Hwa's upcoming presentation of her outdoor brand. Geum Hee mentions how Kang San will be there. Perhaps he'll join the family for dinner. This gets Il Moody upset and he snarls at Geum Hee for trying to pair off In Hwa like a stray dog. Do Hyun wants to do some more bitch slapping but Geum Hee stops him. Il Moody storms off. (I can't help but get the creepy feeling sometimes that the reason Il Mun gets so upset over who In Hwa is supposed to marry is because... well, because he wants her for himself.)

 

Kang San asks his grandpa if he's ever heard of Dr. Yoon Hak Soo. Dae Pyung directs his grandson to prosecutor Yoon Jeong Woo, Hak Soo's younger brother. Hae Joo offers to introduce the two men since she and her family are living with Jeong Woo.

 

But not right now because Jeong Woo is meeting with Gi Cheol. He's threatening to file assault charges against the gimp for attacking Hae Joo. While Saint Hae Joo may forgive him, Jeong Woo won't. (Go, Jeong Woo! Go!)

 

Kang San and Hae Joo are eating dinner together. Out of the blue she asks where his parents are. San tells they were killed in a car accident when he was a baby, which is why he has no memories of them. Hae Joo continues to forget to chew and swallow.

 

Sister Young Joo is back at Club Lame-o trying to jump start her prostitution career. Lucky for her Il Mun and his boys are slumming in the same club. Her white wig catches his eye and he invites Young Joo to a private room where he gets angry drunk. She acts all offended when he suggests they go finish what they started. But once he throws some large bills down on the table she's quickly over it. Il Mun takes her to a fancy hotel room. While he's in the shower, she cleans out his wallet and gets the hell out of there.

 

Bong Hee and Dal Soon fight over Jeong Woo's underwear. It's hilarious. Later, Bong Hee gets the gumption up to lay a kiss on Jeong Woo. He immediately pushes her away, saying they can't be like this because she's Geum Hee's little sister. Bong Hee is heartbroken from his rejection.

 

Jin Joo, like all little sisters all around the world, goes snooping through her brother's room. She finds a bankbook and shows it to Hae Joo. It shows a large deposit was put in by Chang Hee. Enough for idiot Sang Tae to buy a car. When confronted with the facts, Dal Soon beats him.

 

Hae Joo goes to confront Chang Hee outside the hotel where he's staying. Naturally it's raining. They argue about the money and Hae Joo attempts to end their relationship. Chang Hee grabs her and plants a manly possessive kiss on her. A kiss fifteen freakin' years in the making.

 

He takes her upstairs to his room to dry off and notices the scar on the back of her neck. He shows her he has a similar scar. (They've been dating for 15 years and haven't even seen each other's necks until now? This is the lamest relationship ever!)

 

Jang Do Hyun learns his pet, Chang Hee, has been building a case against him. Do Hyun calls the gimp, Gi Cheol, to his office and orders him to stop his son. As an extra incentive, Do Hyun shows Gi Cheol the bloody license plate and pictures of the truck. Do Hyun has known all this time what Gi Cheol did.

 

When Hae Joo returns home the next morning (she spent the night at Chang Hee's hotel room. Did anything happen? I can't say, but if it took them 15 years just for a kiss, it will probably take them 20 years to make it to second base. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Hae Joo is coming home...) Jin Joo greets her with the news that happy hooker Young Joo has been arrested.

 

Gi Cheol drives up to the prosecutor's office just as Chang Hee is stylin' and profilin' out the door with his gang of glass door breakers. In front of everybody, Gi Cheol drops to his knees and begs Chang Hee not to arrest Do Hyun.

Revenge Season 2 Episode 1

Ah, sweet Revenge.

 

You'd better impress me.

 

Destiny

 

 

It starts off at night. The credits tell us it's Labor Day weekend off the coast of Rhode Island. Two scuba divers are searching through some wreckage. They've got the kind of helmets on that allow them to speak to each other. One guy mentions it looks like an explosion caused the wreck. Are they talking about the airplane from last season's cliffhanger? No. A flashlight swings past the name of Amanda. It's Jack's boat. As one diver cautiously swims inside the shell, he discovers there's a body inside. All we see is a floating arm. I can't tell if it's a man or a woman's arm, only that they're white.

 

Flashback to three months earlier. Amanda/Emily is on Oshima Island, Japan. Well, not quite on the island. She's off shore a bit, tied to a post, and the tide is rising. Two men are on shore watching her. One is Japanese master Takeda. (I remember him as having more hair.) The other, younger man, has a British accent. As the waves start sweeping over her head, Emily has a flashback to a few of her earliest memories of her mother, one of which takes place in a hospital. Before she can unlock any more memories, British guy dives in and cuts her ropes, dragging her protesting butt to shore.

 

Daniel is in his mother's room, looking at her portrait. Ashley comes in and, as I feared, she's all over Daniel. (I said this last season and I'm saying it still - Ashley, why is your character still on this show?)

 

Charlotte has been clean and sober in rehab for sixty days. She's hoping to be allowed to attend a memorial art auction in honor of Victoria.

 

Jack has been sleeping on his unexploded boat, trying to avoid the very pregnant Emily/Amanda. He and Declan have failed the health inspection and are scrambling to come up with the funds to fix the bar so they can open by the holiday.

 

Nolan (my beloved) is in New York City. After their very scary encounter with White Haired Man, Nolan has taken up self defense like boxing and karate. Emily (back in America) swings by to pick him up and take him with her up to the Hamptons. (Or is it down to the Hamptons? I'm too lazy to look.) She tells him it was Takeda who sent Amanda/Emily back, supposedly to work as an ally with Emily/Amanda. (This is awfully confusing to type.) But never mind that. Emily remembered the hospital where her mother was a patient at one time. It was mysteriously bought out and shut down around the time of her father's arrest.

 

Emily and Nolan go and break into the abandoned hospital to look for the records of Kara Wallace Clarke. (They just left the confidential medical records in the abandoned hospital?) As Nolan does all the digging, Emily has another flashback. Turns out the part of the hospital her mother had been in was the psychiatric ward. Little Amanda is distressed to see her mother in restraints. Mom is played by old pro Jennifer Jason Leigh. (Did you know she's the daughter of Vic Morrow, the guy who was killed on the Twilight Zone set? I didn't until just now.) Besides leaving behind all the medical records, they also left behind the visitors log, which Nolan has just conveniently found. The log shows Amanda's father came to visit mom the week before his arrest. Also visiting was a "Charlotte Clarke". Amanda quickly deduces this was really Victoria Grayson.

 

Our dynamic duo go back to the security video of Victoria, Conrad and White Haired Man talking. She tells them how David has gone to his wife to ask for a divorce, thinking he can marry Victoria. White Haired Man worries about Kara being a liability if she knows about David and Victoria's relationship. Emily plots to get close to the Graysons again to find more answers.

 

Back in Japan (which looks an awful lot like California), British Guy is worried about Amanda. He asks Takeda permission to travel to America (which looks an awful lot like Japan.)

 

The Graysons are having a swanky memorial for Victoria on their big boat. Emily and Nolan attend. Ashley and Emily pull their claws in long enough for the kiss-kiss-you look great routine. Charlotte has been allowed out of rehab to attend. She's hoping to be officially released by next week. She just has one last blood check to be done. However, her doctor (who has been following her like a shadow) receives a phone call saying Charlotte tested positive for drugs. As he's trying to drag her away, Charlotte accuses her dad of doing this to keep her locked up and control her inheritance. She breaks away long enough to run over to Emily and whisper something in her (secret half-sister's) ear.

 

It's the secret location of the very much alive Victoria Grayson.

 

The FBI is hiding Victoria while they build their case against Conrad. Victoria insisted that her daughter know the truth and has been keeping contact with Charlotte. Conrad, however, has Charlotte's rehab doctor on his payroll. Together they're going to make Charlotte incompetent and give Conrad power of attorney over her finances. Now that she knows where Victoria is, Emily wants to plant a tiny camera there. (Looks like Whale Cam has been replaced with Clam Cam.)

 

As Emily and Nolan are discussing this, Jack comes by for a visit. She and Jack go out on the veranda to talk. Emily asks him if he's sure the baby is his.

 

Clam Cam (say that three times fast) pays off as Emily and Nolan watch Victoria have a meeting with White Haired Man. So the Feds story was a story. Victoria doesn't trust Emily and uses that word "liability" again. She wants White Haired Man to take care of Emily. (Hmm, did White Haired Man ever tell Victora who Emily really is?)

 

The song at the end is a version of "Hey Hey My My" but I'm not sure who the performer is.

Update: it may be this version by the Chromatics

 

May Queen Episode 13

My virgin mind has recently been violated by knowledge of what "butt chugging" is. Kids, you're going to be getting plenty of enemas in the latter part of your life. Why rush things? Preserve the sanctity of your rectum.

 

 

 

Kang San drives up and confronts a stunned Chang Hee, telling him about Gi Cheol attacking Hae Joo just now. San rebukes Chang Hee that if he's not man enough to defend his woman, then he should let her go. Chang Hee, still reeling from what the loan shark told him, breaks away from San and goes to home to face his father.

 

Hae Joo returns home, trying to act like everything is okay although her cheek is red (from the slap) and her clothes are a bit torn. Dal Soon's dirty mind immediately jumps to the idea that the two youngsters have been fooling around. Yet later she sees Hae Joo is upset.

 

When an angry Chang Hee comes home, Gi Cheol thinks its over the latest abusive act he perpetrated on Hae Joo. (There have been so many I can understand how he couldn't keep them all straight.) Chang Hee shows Gi Cheol the picture in the paper of the arrested loan shark and demands to know why his father would do such a thing to a little girl. Gi Cheol doesn't deny he told the loan shark to make Hae Joo disappear, but his excuse is he was worried Chang Hee wasn't concentrating on his studies for mooning over her. Quite frighteningly his father warns he's ready and able to do the same thing today if Chang Hee doesn't break up with her.

 

Chang Hee packs his bags and finally (Finally!) leaves the big house. He drives down to Hae Joo's house, but instead of going up to the door, he texts her to come out and meet him. Dal Soon, still worried about what's going on, orders sister Young Joo to basically follow Hae Joo and spy on her. Hae Joo asks how the interrogation of the loan shark went. Did he find out why the thugs did what they did to her family? Chang Hee changes the subject and asks her to run off with him and get married. He tells her San told him about Gi Cheol attacking her and so he's left his father. Saint Hae Joo urges him not to be so unfilial and to not abandon his father.

 

Young Joo returns with her report of Gi Cheol's attack. Sang Tae is his usual idiotic self. Dal Soon stews.

 

Saint Hae Joo refuses to abandon her (idiotic) family. She and Chang Hee argue and she walks away. She comes home to be confronted by her family. Dal Soon yells at her for not telling about the attack. Whereas before Mom was all for Hae Joo marrying into Chang Hee's family, now she's forbidding it.

 

We get a music video of our three leads all being miserable.

 

The next day at work, Hae Joo discovers the shipbuilding is going to be behind schedule because the production costs have been severely cut. She goes to ask Il Mun about this. He just tells her it's not part of her job to be concerned about this and runs her out of his office. We can tell from the dramatic music playing that Il Mun has something to hide.

 

Kang San has drinks with Lee Bong Hee. He flatters her up one side and down the other. She totally buys it. San then gets to the heart of the matter. He asks her just why Jang Do Hyun is so interested in drilling ships when everybody knows there are no domestic oil sites around Korea. Bong Hee brings up a name from the past. Has San ever heard of Dr. Yoon Hak Soo? (Hae Joo's murdered father. The first murdered father, not the second murdered father.)

 

Dal Soon goes up to the big house, kicks off her shoes, and proceeds to attack and bite Gi Cheol. (Pregnant Bitch Mom, I don't know how this happened, but suddenly you're my favorite character ever!) She tells him if he ever hurts Hae Joo again, she's going to break both his legs. As she's leaving, Dal Soon pulls out a bag of salt from her purse and starts throwing it around. (In Korean culture, salt wards off evil spirits.) 

 

Just as Dal Soon starts to leave, Geum Hee sees her and invites her inside. (Inside the big house, where the Jang family live. Not the little big house where Gi Cheol lives.) Geum Hee apologizes for her visit back in Geoje. Dal Soon asks what happened to Geum Hee's lost child. She tells the story of how Park Gi Cheol accidentally (on purpose) dropped Yoo Jin in the ocean. Geum Hee goes on to explain how her daughter had a burn scar on the back of her neck just like Hae Joo. She also had a yellow knitted top like the one Dal Soon threw away, which explains why Geum Hee was asking the questions she was before.

 

Changing the subject, Geum Hee knows that Gi Cheol is opposing the marriage between his son and Hae Joo. Geum Hee offers to help straighten things out with him. Now that the marriage deal is off the table, at least in Dal Soon's mind, she gets all rude and tells Geum Hee not to stick her nose into other people's business.

 

Il Mun calls Kang San into his office for a meeting. Il Mun wants to build the ship with propellers made by another company. This is the exact opposite of what his dad wants to do. Do Hyun wants to build his own propeller here in Korea. San points this out to Il Mun. Il Mun claims the company doesn't have the funding or the technology to build propellers. Oh, and can San not mention this little private meeting between friends?

 

Yoon Jeong Woo and another prosecutor discuss their budding case against Il Mun for embezzlement and other stuff. Ah, so the production costs at the shipyard haven't been cut so much as Il Mun has been chopping off a big piece of the pie for himself.

 

Chang Hee drops by to visit with the Chun family. Dal Soon tears into him and throws him out (but not before Sang Tae hits him up for some money.)

 

Jang Do Hyun meets with Grandpa Dae Pyung. Do Hyun suggests they marry San with In Hwa and let bygones be bygones. Grandpa accuses him of using his own children to achieve business goals. Do Hyun brings up the stories he's heard about Kang San's parents, so it's not like Grandpa is so wonderful. (C'mon, tell us the stories! What is the deal with Kang San's parents??)

 

Chang Hee has pulled out the old file on Chun Hong Chul's accident. (Oh, is he suspicious?) He's interrupted by an urgent call from Do Hyun. Turns out that prosecutor from earlier, the one working with Jeong Woo, has gone and tattled to Do Hyun about Il Mun being in trouble. Now Do Hyun orders Chang Hee to put a stop to it any way he can.

 

At work, Hae Joo is in a meeting with the development team. There's some kind of talk about propellers that just makes me fade out of consciousness. The end result is Il Mun throws her out of the meeting for asking too many questions. A half drunk Kang San runs into her in the hallway and asks what's up. Hae Joo confides in him that she thinks something fishy is going on around here.

 

Chang Hee rushes into Jeong Woo's office and informs his boss how that other prosecutor is a spy. That Do Hyun knows all about Jeong Woo's case against Il Mun. Chang Hee advises Jeong Woo to drop Il Mun and instead go after Do Hyun.

 

Speaking of Do Hyun, he's brooding in his office when Nameless Minion (who hasn't changed a bit in 15 years) brings in a box. Do Hyun opens it to reveal the bent and bloodied license plate off of the truck that Gi Cheol used to hit Hong Chul. (How did they get a hold of the plate?) The two men discuss what the statute of limitations is on a murder case.

 

Dal Soon brings a packed lunch to Hae Joo down at her office. The two women go out to the seaside for lunch. Dal Soon realizes this is the first time she's ever packed Hae Joo's lunch. This causes the woman to start feeling guilty for all the times she's been so mean to our heroine over the years. Choked up with tears, Dal Soon confesses that she's not Hae Joo's birth mother. (Hae Joo already suspected this years ago so I don't understand what the big surprise is. But perhaps now she'll get to ask some questions about the past.)

Office Girls Episode 13

Xing Ren shows her counter designs to Cheng Feng in hopes of gaining some insight into just what We Mi Na wants. This just tears Zi Qi up to see Xing Ren spending time with the designer. He later once again warns Cheng Feng to stay away from her. Older and wiser Cheng Feng informs Zi Qi that if this is how he's going to conduct his relationship with Xing Ren, they won't be together for long. Zi Qi needs to learn to respect Xing Ren and communicate with her.

 

Since trying to get Yu Cheng Feng to stay away isn't working, Zi Qi goes to Plan B. He plots to get Cheng Feng and Mi Na back together so they can leave Taiwan and go back to Paris.

 

Xing Ren shows her designs to Mi Na. Mi Na announces she's changed her mind. She's not going to have a Yu Cheng Feng counter in the store. However, she would like to hire Xing Ren on as a personal assistant/manager and take her to Paris. Xing Ren would have to sign a contract and work for at least three years. The job would take her to Paris, New York and Tokyo. The money is very tempting to the poor gal. However, on the con side that would mean leaving her mom behind. And now there's Zi Qi to think about as well.

 

On Zi Qi's advice, Shi Te Long stands outside the girls' apartment building and serenades Le Le. She threatens him with a pair of shears.

 

Cheng Feng takes Mi Na out for brunch. They start off alright but end up arguing. Mi Na tells him about her job offer to Xing Ren. He feels Mi Na is using Xing Ren to get to him.

 

Xing Ren is away from her desk when her cell phone receives a message. Zi Qi takes it upon himself to see what it is. Cheng Feng has texted her, asking if she really wants to go to Paris. Not knowing about the job offer, Zi Qi immediately jumps to the conclusion that Xing Ren is going with Cheng Feng. Xing Ren later clears things up with Zi Qi, yet also jumps all over him (as she should) for reading her private messages. The two argue.

 

After work, and after a therapy session with his stuffed toy, Zi Qi grabs his guitar and sings an apology to Xing Ren. As he tries to convince her to stay in Taipei, Xing Ren gets a call from Mi Na. She's down on the street corner with a couple of packed bags. She asks if she can stay with Xing Ren for the night. Naturally Xing Ren takes her in. Xing Ren takes everybody in.

 

Mi Na and Zi Qi get rather plastered that evening and talk about Cheng Feng while a concerned Xing Ren looks on. Drunk Zi Qi promises her he'll get her and Cheng Feng back together. Then he goes to throw up. Mi Na hits that crying-in-her-drink level of drunkenness, asking what's wrong with her, why doesn't Cheng Feng love her anymore? She wants to go home! So Xing Ren has to escort a drunk Mi Na back down to the street and hopefully into a cab. (Gosh, I didn't realize until now just how tall Mi Na is.)

 

When she comes back upstairs to her apartment, Xing Ren finds Zi Qi passed out on her couch. She takes this opportunity to plant a very chaste kiss on his cheek.

 

This was the second Kai Er-free episode in a row. I was beginning to think the writers had realizes how useless her character/actress was and had written her off. Unfortunately I see from the previews that she'll be back. Darn. I didn't miss her at all.

Magnificent Century Episode 1

Oooh, this looks expensive. And long. Episodes seem to run around an hour and forty minutes. This is my first Turkish drama so I don't know anything about anybody. If there's a DramaWiki out there for Turks, I haven't found it.

 

The year is 1520. Prince Suleiman and his homeboyz are out hunting a tiny defenseless deer. (I have no idea who this actor is but he has piercing eyes. The kind of eyes that can stare right into your soul.) The hunting party is intercepted by a messenger bearing the news that all princes dread to hear/eagerly await: the khan is dead. Long live the khan.

 

Elsewhere, on the Black Sea, a ship is transporting a gaggle of slave women. One lass called Alexandra has to be cajoled into eating something. She mouths off and one of the guards slaps her around. She manages to grab hold of a knife and threatens to kill the man. Behind her, another man comes in and disarms her, ordering that Alexandra be tied to a post and given no food or water. Alexandra yells at them to throw her into the sea. Second Man tells her she is a slave of the sultan and will not die unless the sultan orders it.

 

Suleiman meets with his mother (who looks the same age as he does) and his sister Hatice. Mom presents her son with some new robes. As he gets dressed for his official presentation, Suleiman's voiceover fills the audience in on just who he is and what he's done so far in his life. Outside, some courtiers wearing major hat gear talk amongst themselves. (I'm trying to be culturally sensitive here, but those hats look like waste paper baskets.) Cafer Agha, head of the Ottoman navy, dares to bring up the name of Suleiman's exiled brother: Uveys, a potential rival for the throne of the Ottoman Empire.

 

Over at the Vatican, the Pope (quick Google check - Leo X) is informed of Suleiman's ascension. The Pope doesn't seem worried about the new guy.

 

Back to the Black Sea. As the ship plows through heavy weather, Alexandra (still tied up) flashes back to her day of capture. She was at church with her family when the Tartars attacked. Before her eyes she watched as her family and boyfriend were slaughtered. She was carried off and sold to the Crimeans, who in turn sold her to the Ottomans.

 

As Suleiman and his faithful right hand man, Ibrahim, enjoy fireworks, they are joined by the elderly Grand Vizier Piri Pasha. Piri served in this position under Suleiman's father, and now Suleiman asks that he continue as Grand Vizier. Piri gratefully accepts. However, when Suleiman makes known his intention to raise Ibrahim to master of his privy chamber, Piri looks unhappy.

 

Alexandra's ship has come in to port and all the slave girls are taken to the palace to be looked over. Alexandra still continues to mouth off and fight back.

 

While Suleiman beds a girl from the harem, Ibrahim gets a chance to do his own voiceover and tell us a little bit about his life. He was born a Christian in Greece and abducted at an early age to be sold into slavery and forced to convert.

 

Alexandra dreams of her slain family. She begs to die and go with them, but Dead Mom orders her to stay alive, become powerful and avenge them. After the dream, Alexandra becomes better behaved. (I'm sorry, but the woman playing Alexandra is neither very pretty nor very talented.)

 

Suleiman's wife, Mahidevran, and their son Mustafa are traveling to Istanbul.

 

Alexandra and the girls are being taken down a hallway when suddenly it's announced the sultan will be passing this same way. Everyone gets into a tizzy. The girls are ordered to line up against the wall and keep their heads down and mouths shut. As Suleiman walks by, Alexandra defies orders and boldly calls out his name. He's just curious enough to come over and stand in front of her. Alexandra dramatically faints into his arms. (To be honest this is kind of a silly scene.) Suleiman hands her off to someone else and is so rattled by this meeting he starts to walk down the wrong hallway.

 

No one is - ooh, who's that good looking man in the background? Anyway, no one is happy that Ibrahim, a mere convert, has been elevated so high.

 

A map of the world is spread out on the floor before Suleiman and his courtiers. (The nitpicker in me can't help but notice how complete a map it is for 1520. Magellan's expedition isn't even back yet.) With the empire's coffers in a healthy state, Suleiman lays out his plans for world domination. The Mediterranean will become the Ottoman's lake. First stop will be the island of Rhodes.

 

At another meeting, Suleiman orders the execution of Cafer Agha for corruption. The other councilors are worried about their own fates.

 

Suleiman's mother, Hafsa, is planning a big party for her son. Ibrahim goes to the harem to pick out some concubines to entertain the sultan. As the head eunuch discusses the girls with him, Ibrahim's interest seems to be captured when he hears that Alexandra is of the Orthodox faith. He chooses her to be part of the party.

 

At the same time Suleiman's wife and son arrive at the palace. While he's ecstatic to be reunited with his young son, when  Mahidevran enters the room you can feel the temperature drop. It's her first night back and Mahidevran is spending it alone, only now learning about the party being thrown and she's not invited.

 

Mahidevran, you're not missing much. Alexandra and the girls do a really, really bad dance routine for the sultan. Seriously, my dead grandmother can dance better than this. Still, it seems to be enough to get Suleiman all excited. He tosses Alexandra a handkerchief, a sign that she's to join him in bed tomorrow night.

 

As Cafer Agha is taken out and beheaded, here comes the Venetian ambassador and his snazzy chapeau. (Is the Mad Hatter part of the costume department of this show? These are some of the craziest hats I've ever seen.) Sadly, he has to take off his feathered creation before being dragged before the sultan. There is a translator in the room to handle the negotiations, but Ibrahim jumps in and shows that he can also speak Italian as his mother was from Venice. The Grand Vizier is outraged that a) Ibrahim is even in the room, and b) he's taken over as translator.

 

Alexandra gets ready for her night with the sultan. Before leaving the harem, she takes a private moment to say a Christian prayer and hide a little cross she's managed to keep in her slavery.

 

Suleiman eagerly waits in his bedroom for Alexandra. Yet when the doors open, the woman who walks in is Mahidevran.

Three Kingdoms Episode 30

Another milestone is reached in this epic long series, and still no sign of Ruby Lin.

 

Liu Bei and his small band of warriors reach the city of Xinye where they'll be stationed. He thanks young Liu Qi for convincing his father, Liu Biao, into taking the troops in. Liu Qi warns Liu Bei to watch out for his father's general, Cai Mao. Cai ain't too happy with bringing Liu Bei into the fold. Plus he's the brother of Liu Biao's much younger second wife, Lady Cai. You can tell Lady Cai is evil because she has horns! No, not really, but she does have a couple of hair pins sticking out that sure look like horns. Still, she's evil. Liu Qi fears she and her brother are trying to oust him and make his young half brother, Liu Cong, the heir.

 

Meanwhile, the Great Omniscient Voiceover informs us that yes, Yuan Shao is dead, and Cao Cao - after mopping up the last dregs of resistance - has taken over the dead warlord's holdings. This earns Cao Cao a spiffy new hat. Sadly, Xu You has enjoyed one too many glasses of wine. His mouth runs away from him faster than Red Hare. Another one of Cao Cao's generals, Xu Chu, gets tired of hearing the drunkard's mouth and decides to separate Xu You's head from his body. So long, Xu You.

 

Cao Cao has the writer, Chen Lin, brought before him. Chen Lin is the author of the manifesto against Cao Cao, written per Yuan Shao's orders. Chen Lin is fully expecting to be executed. Cao Cao, however, was truly impressed by his writings and spares the man.

 

Next up on the agenda is a box of letters, secret correspondence with Yuan Shao from various civil servants and military officers working under Cao Cao. Young Cao Pi, Cao Cao's son, is all for hunting down the letter writers and executing every one of them. Cao Cao retorts that if Cao Pi is going to kill every person who's ever written a letter to Yuan Shao, then he'd better start off with his own father. In this case let bygones be bygones.

 

Lastly, here comes General Xu Chu with a bloody gift for Cao Cao: the head of Xu You. Cao Cao is enraged and is all for having Xu Chu dragged out and beheaded. He's barely talked out of this by Cao Pi and Xun Yu. Cao Cao is worried about what the people will think of him after this. Xun Yu plans to have Chen Lin write about how full of crap Xu You was and deserved to be beheaded. After calming down a bit, Cao Cao demotes Xu Chu.

 

Old man Liu Biao invites Liu Bei over for a dragon boat festival. Liu Bei is nothing but a wet blanket. I think he's having a mid-life crisis. He whines to Liu Biao about nearing the big 5-0 and having nothing to show for it but a spare tire. Liu Biao asks his guest his opinion of who should be the heir. Liu Qi is the eldest son, yet he's so timid and weak. Liu Cong is young and quick-witted, but under the thumb of Lady Cai and her people. Liu Bei, knowing Lady Cai is outside listening in, loudly advises his protector that putting the younger over the older always leads to disaster. Softly he adds that Liu Biao needs to chip away at the powerful Cai clan.

 

After seeing Liu Bei over to the guest house, Liu Biao returns to be confronted by his wife, who is crying crocodile tears. She puts it to her husband that Liu Bei, by using Liu Qi, has his eye on taking over for himself. Liu Biao scoffs at this but I have to wonder if he's now going to start worrying about whether his wife is right. Later that evening Lady Cai and her brother, Cai Mao, plot to assassinate Liu Bei.

 

Ah, a satisfying cliffhanger. They're few and far between. Also just as rare are female characters with more than two lines. Welcome, Lady Cai. Welcome.