The last time I watched a Filipino drama I was WWUI (watching while under the influence), so why not continue the tradition? BTW, have you seen the Lone Ranger trailer. It sucks! It sucks non-Native American actors playing Native Americans! Anyway...
It's 1940 in the Philippines. Not a good time. Were the Japanese there? I don't know, I'm WWUI. There are fires and people screaming. Dude, there's a woman who looks like a tree! A tree with green lipstick! See, I told you 1940 wasn't a good time to be in the Philippines. A nurse with a Garbage Pail Kid on her back kills a woman. Another woman with wings takes off. Yet another woman demands to know where is Darna. These must be the villains. I sure hope they're the villains. They're killing people after all.
As the villagers run around screaming, one woman stops and looks around. She checks a shiny light she holds in her hand. Is she Darna? Is she about to transform? Before she can do anything, another villager bumps into her, causing her to lose the shiny light. Stupid ass bitch! Winged Woman notices the light and swoops down, calling for the other villains to kill the woman. As Tree Woman, Nurse, and Winged woman start to overtake her, the human woman... did she just swallow that shiny light? I think she swallowed it.
Comic books explain it all to us. Darna is the protector of the oppressed. She was out playing with her brother, Ding, when they saw a meteor. Does Ding have a twin? Is his name Dong? The meteor lands at Darna's feet. She sees the stone has writing on it. Fearing others will take the stone from her, Darna does the only logical thing and swallows it. Because who doesn't like swallowing stones? Stones that fell from the sky. I'd swallow a meteorite. Hell ya! How many people can say they've swallowed a meteorite? Anyway, swallowing the stone turns the little girl into Darna, a cheap knockoff of Wonder Woman. Why is there no movie of Wonder Woman? We've had Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Iron Man. Hell, we've even had Thor. Why no Wonder Woman?!?
Wait, Big Bang Theory is on. Gotta go.
Time skip to 1985. Is that how old this TV show is? I'm kinda hungry. It's time for a new Darna to fight the evils of the world, like Reaganomics. There's some kind of celebration going on. Someone should weed the steps. There's a parade coming down the street and some woman tells Consuelo and Alicia to make a wish to get pregnant. That's not how it works, lady.
Abruptly everyone rushes forward to grab flowers from the float. Old people be damned, get out of the way! Alicia gets a flower but then she notices a skinny old woman has been knocked down. She goes over to help the woman up and gives the woman her flower. Later, after the Rose Parade is over, Alicia's husband, Simon, comes over to present her with a bouquet of flowers. She apologizes for not being able to give him any children. He tut tuts her. He's perfectly happy to be married to the most beautiful woman in San Martin.
Months later everyone else is pregnant except Alicia. She tries all sorts of wild remedies to get knocked up (how about having sex?) but the doctor breaks the bad news to her that Alicia is sterile. Is there no adoption in the Philippines? Things aren't going well for Consuelo. She ends up having a miscarriage and now her husband, Nestor, is seeing another woman.
The two friends go to consult with a witch woman. She advises them to go to a cave on top of a mountain. As Consuelo and Alicia head towards the cave, there's another old woman along the path begging for help. Consuelo insists they keep going. They have to be at the cave by midnight exactly. Alicia decides to stay and help the old woman. After bringing her some water to drink, the old woman turns into a young Isis. Did you ever see Isis? I've got it on DVD. She gives the shiny light to Alicia, telling her she will bear a savior. She also gives a necklace, instructing Alicia to put it on her baby as soon as the child is born.
Meanwhile, Consuelo has made it to the cave and tries to sacrifice a chicken. A voice from the cave claims to be insulted by the cheap offering. Consuelo promises she'll give anything for a child. A large CGI snake comes out of the cave and wraps itself around Consuelo.
The two friends meet up after their strange encounters and head back home. Later, both women find themselves pregnant. Alicia gives birth to a girl that they name Narda. Consuelo (whose house is filling up with snakes) gives birth to.... Medusa? To hide their monster baby, Consuelo's cheating husband sets fire to their hut and makes off with his hideous family. Now everyone thinks they're dead.
Things fall apart for the couple. Nestor ends up leaving and Consuelo comes close to killing her monster baby. She returns to the village to put the blame for her troubles on Alicia's shoulders. Consuelo then goes back to the cave and demands her husband back. The Lizard King inside the cave says she'll have to do something for him first. Wasn't having your baby enough?
Consuelo suddenly pops up back at the village and is all nice and apologetic to Alicia. She asks for her friend to come with her. She leads Alicia and Narda back to the cave, where the giant CGI snake once again comes out and this time drags Alicia in.
Simon frets and worries about where his wife and child is. Getting a tip off, he learns where Consuelo has been living and goes to confront her. He sees baby Narda and demands to know where Alicia is. Consuelo lies and says Alicia ran off with another man but Simon doesn't believe her. He grabs Consuelo and shakes her when he suddenly gasps and falls to the ground. I'm not sure but I think Baby Medusa somehow killed him to defend her mother. (Why is Baby Medusa smaller than Baby Narda? I thought they were both born on the same night?)
Consuelo takes Baby Narda out to the cliff and drops the child into the abyss.
What?! Damn, now I'll have to see the next episode to see what happened to the baby. In the meantime, here's the real deal:
Still want to know why there's no Wonder Woman movie!!
In your satin tights/fighting for your rights
And the old red, white and blue!!!!!!
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