Three Kingdoms Episode 4

Be warned: I'm a little bit tight as I watch this installment. But maybe that's how you should be in order to enjoy this show. I gotta tell ya, I'm not sure if I've got the testicular fortitude to continue with this mess, Ruby Lin or no Ruby Lin.

So where were we? Oh yeah, that guy with all the hair - Hua Xiong - shows up and he's all like, "Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia." So they send out some no name to face the hairy guy. No name is gonna die because he has no name. He's like those red shirts from Star Trek. Star Trek, now there's a show that didn't have a dumb ass as the main character.  No name goes riding out and guess what?! Guess what?! He dies!!! OMG, did not see that coming.

Then they send out another no name guy. He lasts about thirty seconds longer than the last guy, but you know he's gonna die. He dies really gross. I ain't gonna tell ya how. You'll have to watch. After the second guy dies, Yuan Shao asks his rebels who will now go out to meet this Hua Xiong. Naturally everyone is like, "Hell no, I ain't going out there!" But that guy with the long beard, one of the Three Musketeers, Guan Yu, offers to go face the hairy guy. Two hairy guys! The Battle of the Hair! He was this hairy in the other Three Kingdoms episode. I guess in the classic story that's how he was described, as having a long beard and a funny little hat. But I digress.

Longbeard goes outside and shee-it, even Hua Xiong's horse is afraid of Guan Yu's horse. There's a flash of battle and Longbeard is the winner. He walks back inside the strategy room with the head of Alfredo Garcia and throws it at the feet of Yuan Shao. Why does Longbeard never look up? He's always looking down. Come to think of it, Liu Bei seems to have his eyes down most of the time. Only Loudmouth, Zhang Fei, looks up.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, since Longbeard did the deed, Yuan Shao makes Liu Bei a leader with equal rights as his other generals. Yet when Liu Bei sends a man to get the supplies their army needs, the guy in charge of supplies (Yuan Shao's cousin) won't give any and beats the messenger up. Liu Bei suggests they go to Cao Cao as he's a man of honor. Bull crap. At least Zhang Fei sees him for what he is. You're my man, Loudmouth. Screw this Cao Cao.

Meanwhile, back at the capital, after hearing about Hua Xiong, Dong Zhuo wants to personally lead an army against the rebels. Some suck-up, Li Ru or something, suggests to Dong Zhuo to use the old divide and conquer technique. As Dong Zhuo is leaving he's got a guy behind him who is totally macking the seventies' bro-stache. It's awesome!

That doofus, Cao Cao, personally goes to the poor camp of Liu Bei to deliver the supplies Yuan Shao has denied them. Cao Cao is doing this in order to win over these three brothers. Cao Cao and Liu Bei have a deep and meaningful discussion but I'm to lit to tell you what they're saying. Basically Liu Bei understands that these "rebels" are not trying to restore the noble Han but to gain what they can for themselves. Dong Zhuo isn't hated so much as they're jealous of the power he has. Ain't that the truth. Liu Bei, behind Loudmouth, you my man.

Next scene we see some people I've never ever ever seen before. There's this guy, General Sun, that I believe is a rebel because he mentions Yuan Shao's name. Li Ru, that suck-up from earlier, comes to pay a visit. He has a message that Dong Zhuo has a daughter he wishes to marry to General Sun's son. The son turns out to be nine-years-old but when has age ever stopped royalty from marrying? Still, Sun isn't in to it and sends Li Ru on his way.

There's a quick battle scene and now we're back with Yuan Shao. Some general comes in and chastises Yuan for not delivering any supplies to General Sun's troops who are currently in battle. Yuan doesn't seem to be keen on keeping promises, although he tells this general he'll get his supplies before sun down so go and get some rest. And again, the show just ends.