Three Kingdoms Episode 3

Otherwise known as: Dear Lord, What Am I Watching?

After Cao Cao and Gongtai realize what a boner they've pulled they do what any fool would do - they get the hell out of Dodge. But as (bad) luck would have it, on their way of getting away they run into the returning Uncle Lu Boshe. He asks where they're going. Cao Cao tries to explain that since the soldiers are hot on the fugitives' tail he doesn't think it would be safe for everyone if he stayed. Uncle won't hear of that and laughingly insists they go back home and enjoy the wine he just bought. I know its coming... I know its coming... and there it is. Cao Cao runs his sword through his beloved uncle. And just to make sure the bloodletting is complete, Cao Cao even kills the innocent ass the uncle had been riding on. Because, ya know, can't have any witnesses to the WTFery going on.

As Cao Cao drags his uncle's body into the brush, Gongtai at least as a sliver of decency to feel offended by all the useless slaughter. Cao Cao explains he had to kill his uncle, otherwise the old man would return home to find everyone dead and swear vengeance on them. They've got enough trouble as it is. Cao Cao covers the old man up with dry brush and attempts to set it on fire when the heavens burst open with a downpour. See, Cao Cao? The Gods are angry with you. Cao Cao suggests they return to the house (with all the dead people) because it offers shelter and has all that food to eat. Would be a shame to let it all go to waste.

Back at the house, where they've taken Lu Boshe's body to conduct a funeral, Cao Cao prays to his dead uncle that none of this was his fault, it was society's problem. Oh. My. God. Cao Cao then goes to stir a  stew pot - with the same sword he used to kill his uncle!! Finally Gongtai is asking himself, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" That night, as Cao Cao snores away, Gongtai wonders what kind of man is this guy who can kill dozens of innocent people and still sleep like a baby? Cao Cao could be even worse than Dong Zhuo. Gongtai takes out his sword, thinking it would be better if he killed Cao Cao before he causes even more harm, but then he waffles himself out of it and just leaves.

Later, Cao Cao stops by to visit his father (who strangely looks younger than Cao Cao) and tells him of his plans. Leaving out the whole killing of the uncle and his family, of course. Elder Cao gives Younger Cao all the money the family has. Minor warlords and warriors come flocking to Cao Cao's side. Even Yuan Shao, that other rebel leader, sends an invitation to Cao Cao for them to join forces. Cao Cao sits with his underlings and explains that having a rebel army is all good and everything, but ultimately means nothing if they don't have the emperor's edict, the Mandate from Heaven. When asked if he has the emperor's edict, Cao Cao admits of course he doesn't, but he can forge one.

At this point I just don't know what to make of Cao Cao. One minute he's an absolute idiot. The next minute he's pretty clever. The third minute he's killing someone who's completely innocent.

Computer generated armies are swarming to join rebel leader Yuan Shao at his fortress. This is where those Three Musketeers - Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei - reappear. They try to also join up but because they bring nothing to the party but their facial hair, the gatekeeper won't let them through. While they're all arguing, Cao Cao and his army show up. Cao Cao is reminded of the time when he wasn't invited to old man Wang's birthday party so he helps the three get inside.

Everyone is greeting each other and introducing themselves. When Liu Bei is asked just who he is, he alleges to be of noble lineage of the House of Han, the very house all these rebels claim to be trying to restore. Of course everyone laughs at this seller of mats claiming to be royal, but Cao Cao defends him. Yuan Shao invites Liu Bei to sit in with the strategy leaders, offering the peasant a straw stool to sit on (everyone else has nice chairs). Hot-head Zhang Fei is about to roar his disapproval of the lowly seat but Liu Bei signals him to control himself.

Cao Cao brings out the edict from the emperor he claims to have smuggled out of the capital. As he's reading the mandate, a wily old general begins to question the authenticity of the document. Cao Cao admits that it's a fake and reasons that if Dong Zhuo can use the nine-year-old emperor as a puppet then why shouldn't they be able to use the emperor. Once the edict gets around, the cowards will run to ground while the brave heroes will step up to the challenge. Liu Bei quietly looks concerned.

Meanwhile, outside the fortress, one of Dong Zhuo's generals - Hua Xiong - surrounds the fortress with his army. He yells a message that the rebels should surrender Cao Cao's head to him. Inside, Cao Cao explains to the others that Hua Xiong is the fourth strongest general of Dong Zhuo's legions. The rebel leaders begin to discuss who should go out and challenge Hua Xiong to one-on-one combat. Musketeer Guan Yu starts to come forward when Liu Bei waves him back. Instead another blowhard is sent out and is quickly dispatched by the underestimated Hua Xiong.

And again, the episode just ends. With no Ruby Lin.