Dracula Episode 10

Season Finale?! You give us only ten episodes and think you can call it a season? Back in my day we would get over twice as many episodes before summer hiatus. I blame global warming.

 

 

 

Let There Be Light

 

 

It's a circus in the streets as Alexander Grayson proceeds with his public demonstration of his steampunk thingy.

 

Lady Jayne is gathering her huntsmen and introduces the Sicilian seer (and fashion police fugitive) Loiza Scaverra. He's brought with him the most sacred relic in Christendom: a strip of cloth with the blood of Jesus on it.

 

Harker, looking like a mess on purpose, reports back to work after being missing for two days. With a tear in his eye, Harker confesses to Grayson about being drunk out of his head and killing Lord Davenport.

 

With the help of the (eww) bubbling blood of Christ, Scaverra has a vision of a vampire nest. Jayne sends Kaha Ruma and his squad out to deal with the blood suckers. There's only two of them, big whoop. As arranged, the huntsmen shoot up flairs for each kill they make.

 

Dracula can feel a disturbance in the Force.

 

Mr. Browning rushes home when he learns his wife has received word from the kidnapper. A word - and a severed finger from one of the kids.

 

Van Helsing has a bit of a mental breakdown as he trashes the lab in the basement of Carfax Manor, destroying the solar serum. Renfield hears all the commotion and demands an explanation. Van Helsing explains - with a knife to Renfield's gut.

 

While Grayson is busy with a press conference of sorts, Harker sneaks in some Order minions to sabotage the steampunk thingy. Jonathan starts to get cold feet when he realizes they're doing more than creating a major malfunction. The steampunk thingy will probably take out a city block. Harker fears for Mina's life and goes looking for her.

 

Mr. Browning arrives at the abandoned barn as instructed by the kidnapper. Van Helsing takes Browning by surprise and disarms him. Van Helsing is insulted when he isn't recognized by Browning. You know, after you've burned so many people alive, their faces all blend together.

 

Van Helsing pulls a lever activating a trap door. Browning drops down below to the basement level. Out of the shadows emerge his two children. Are you getting a 'Salem's Lot vibe yet? You should be, as Van Helsing dosed them with some of Dracula's blood. The children pounce upon their father and start feeding on him. Upstairs, Van Helsing turns over a barrel of fuel and sets the barn on fire.

 

Scaverra has another vision, this time of Dracula himself. Lady Jayne can no longer dismiss the fact that Grayson is Dracula. She dons her leather duster to go do battle. Before she leaves, Scaverra gives her a knife from the papal armory.

 

Harker desperately surfs the crowd at the demonstration and finally finds Mina, warning her they have to get out of here before the steampunk thingy blows up. Mina instead runs up to where Grayson is to warn him about the sabotage. They try to turn the machine off but it won't respond. Harker drags Mina away while Grayson stays behind to try and stop the explosion.

 

He doesn't succeed.

 

Harker and Mina wake up in the rubble strewn street outside. Mina calls Harker a murderer for killing Grayson and all these innocent people, including Harker's foreign accent buddy from the paper. I never did learn that guy's name.

 

Lady Jayne goes down into the pit of what used to be Grayson's factory and starts searching for the vampire. Grayson reveals himself and advises Lady Jayne to leave him and The Order and live a natural, wholesome life. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. After exchanging a few blows, Lady Jayne stabs Dracula in the side with the sacred knife. (I'm a bit disappointed. I was expecting a more epic battle between these two.)

 

Dracula falls to the ground. Jayne picks up a hatchet and starts to swing. Dracula moves like a blur, picking Jayne up instead and flinging her through the air. She's impaled (heh) on a piece of metal sticking up from the ground. As a last act of mercy, Dracula rips her throat out.

 

Lucy wakes up hungry and snacks on her mother.

 

A bedraggled Mina arrives at Carfax Manor to find a bedraggled Grayson. There's nothing like a cataclysmic brush with death to make you want to crawl into the nearest bed and make the beast with two backs.

 

Van Helsing and Jonathan Harker join forces to destroy Dracula.

Boys Before Friends Episode 4

After the "Previously on Boys Before Friends ..." that lasts a whopping seven minutes, everyone regrets kissing who they kissed. Well no, Liam regrets nothing. The girls go back to the beach house where they completely fail the Bechdel test.

 

The next day everyone is sitting outside drinking coffee and trying to talk over the sound of the high winds. Chase tells a scary story. "And they fired the two lead actors of the series!" This goes on for about another seven minutes.

 

The head prostitute organizes a house game of girls vs. boys. Chase talks to Chloe about Noah. Chloe talks to Chase about Piper. Noah talks to Piper about Chloe. Piper talks to Noah about Chloe. Weren't they supposed to be playing a game?

 

To give the Show credit, Zoey #2 and Liam have a conversation that I can believe two people on a date would actually have. They learn about each other's dreams and goals. (Although it is pointed out Zoey #2 says she would like to teach underprivileged kids to dance, then in another line says she doesn't think she can teach kids.)

 

A new song is introduced on the show. The song is more important than hearing what the actors are saying. Seriously, you get to hear the entire song.

 

Chase comforts a weeping Piper. Her boyfriend just gave her the brush-off. Piper unloads her woes upon Chase's wide shoulders.

 

Sensitive Oliver comes to Zoey #2 to talk about the unseen Jade and whether or not he should go with his girlfriend to New York. Zoey #2 advises Oliver to go and give it a try. They share a platonic hug that makes a spying Liam jealous. After Oliver leaves, Liam accuses Zoey of being a tease.

 

The next day Liam apologizes to Zoey and asks if she'll go out with him.

Boys Before Friends Episode 3

Yes, there's another episode.

Yes, I'm watching it.

Yes, I have no idea why.

 

 

The show opens with Zoey #2 on a stage practicing a dance routine. (Viewers have been raving she's a better dancer than Zoey #1 was. I still don't see it. She's just flailing around to my eyes.) Half of the F4 have come to watch her dance and rewatch the video of last night's girl fight at the fundraiser.

 

Chloe and Piper then drop by for a visit. Zoey #2 points off camera to show them a non-existent poster announcing an expensive school trip to Hawaii.  (Seriously, the Show couldn't afford to make a prop poster?) The boys are listening in as Chloe suggests they instead take a timeshare out in Malibu. When Liam learns about the girls' plans, he makes Malibu plans of his own.

 

The girls arrive at the palatial beach house. It must take hours for them to climb the stairs as it starts out daylight but it's pitch black when they come through the front door. Or perhaps it was a total eclipse as we viewers are shown shots of the interior of the house and it's daylight outside once again.

 

Anyway, the girls keep talking about someone named Brad. He may be a surf instructor. As the girls are giggling upstairs they hear someone enter downstairs. It's the F3 (Liam, Chase and Noah. Where's sensitive Oliver? And where'd the sun go? It's dark again.) The boys announce that they're going to be the girls' roommates. The blocking of the scene (that has only one angle) is rather awkward. All you see of the boys are their backs and sometimes they're standing right in front of whoever is reciting a line.

 

Then for some reason the three prostitutes show up at the beach house as well. Their appearance makes my laptop freeze up. Anyway, someone off camera suggests they all call a truce for the next three days since the entire cast (minus sensitive Oliver) will be sharing the house. This now includes the three other boys who once tried to rape Zoey #1. Good times, good friends. I know I'd like to share a beach house with the creeps who threatened to sexually assault me.

Later, sensitive Oliver finally joins the rest of the cast. The actor doesn't look well. Perhaps that's why he wasn't in the earlier scenes: he was off puking his guts out. Oliver and Zoey #2 share ear buds as they listen to a new song together. Liam looks on with hurt in his eyes. Meanwhile Piper and Chase have their moment of flirting while Chloe and Noah bond over Wii.

And so... nothing really happens for awhile. Liam clumsily tries flirting with Zoey #2, only to end up pissing her off and getting water thrown in his face. Soft jazz music plays as Liam practices asking Zoey #2 out to a party. (I don't know if the cameraman is grooving along with the music or had one too many for lunch as he can't keep the camera still.)

Zoey #2 is out back practicing her liturgical dance when she's joined by Oliver. Girl talk time! Have you ever been in love?

Liam's jealousy drives him to confront Zoey #2 and demand to know if she's into Oliver or not. Zoey #2 slaps Liam and storms off only to walk in on sensitive Oliver kissing Jade, who has just arrived. Once again I have to laugh at the inept camera work. Jade is talking to Zoey but we only see her from the chin down. Oliver is standing behind her and is nearly invisible.

Finally the last of the cast, Aubrey, arrives at the very crowded beach house. They put on their clubbing clothes to go out and hit the town. (And when I say "town" I mean the living room with the drapes closed so you won't notice they're using the same set.) Zoey #2 is sitting alone moping over sensitive Oliver when she's joined by Riley, Aubrey's male best friend. He's got a secret crush on Zoey, although I get the vibe he'd be more comfortable with a crush on Liam, IUKWIM.

Riley whines about being the son of a famous senator and how he's expected to follow in Dad's footsteps. Riley doesn't want to go into politics. He wants to go around setting up safe houses for victims of human trafficking.

Out on the dance floor Chloe is harassed by some creep (played by Rainbow Brite from the hair salon. He's gone straight!) The F4 come to her rescue. Noah comforts the shaken Chloe. Piper tells Chase this crazy pirate story. The blond prostitute is jealous of how much time Chase spends with the other girl. Chris the Rapist attempts to comfort the blond.

She's not the only one needing a shoulder to cry on. Jade and Oliver have been eating each other alive, putting a wet blanket on Zoey #2's evening. Liam asks Zoey to dance with him. The unseen DJ announces at the count of three everyone must kiss, which they do. Chloe kisses Noah, Chris the Rapist kisses the blond prostitute, the other mean girl kisses a guy I've never seen before, and yes, Zoey #2 kisses Liam.

Dracula Episode 9

Four Roses

 

 

A sleeping Mina, still in the hospital, is dreaming about the attack and starting to get a clearer image of a blood-smeared Alexander Grayson reaping carnage.

 

Dracula is wanting to declare jihad. Renfield tries to convince his boss that Lord Davenport, while a member of the Order, yes, was the one behind all the recent attacks and was acting on his own. Oh, and Renfield's men have retrieved the triptych from Davenport's custody. Dracula won't be budged. He still thinks the Order was behind the assault on Mina and he won't rest until he has vengeance.

 

Renfield goes to Professor Van Helsing, hoping to get backup in calming Dracula down. However Van Helsing considers the pact between him and the vampire to be null and void. Frankly, my dear Renfield, I don't give a damn.

 

Lady Jayne is almost bursting with joy. Reputable huntsmen are arriving from all over Europe. Together they're going to sweep through London and commit vampire genocide. Mr. Browning can't get worked up enough to celebrate with her as his children are still missing. He's convinced it is Alexander Grayson who is behind the kidnapping and he rightly surmises that Grayson is Dracula. Lady Jayne once again scoffs at the idea of her former lover being a vampire. Now forget about the kids and concentrate on wholesale slaughter of the undead.

 

Jonathan Harker wakes the next morning to discover himself in a very ugly bed along with Lucy. He quietly gets dressed and leaves her sleeping ass behind. Not even a "Thanks for last night" note. You're a douche bag, Jonathan.

 

Mr. Browning brings the police to search Carfax Manor. Grayson is like, "Sure. Go right ahead. You won't find anything." Which of course they don't. As Browning is leaving he's surprised to find Harker hiding in the carriage. Jonathan informs Browning he's willing to join the Order. Browning puts two and two together and figures out it was Harker who killed Davenport. Meanwhile Renfield asks the possibility if it is Van Helsing who stole the children. Dracula poo poo's the idea.

 

Lucy starts to come out to her mother. (BTW, Mom has so far been the only woman I've seen on the show to wear correct period clothing.)

 

Harker's first order for The Order is to steal the blueprints to Grayson's steampunk thingy.

 

Dracula warns Van Helsing that the abduction of the Browning children better not muck up his own plans for revenge. Or else he'll muck up Van Helsing.

 

Van Helsing indeed has the children hidden away somewhere in a very cobwebby shack. They're unconscious (must be drugged) and laid out on the slab. Oh no, the professor has brought his Hammer O'Death. Yet as he begins to swing, Van Helsing relives the screams of his own children right before they were stuffed back into the burning house. He's unable to bash the Browning kids.

 

Back at the club, the fogeys are enjoying their stogies when Grayson invites himself into the billiard room. (Um, does no one notice the "American" is speaking with an English accent?) Grayson has brought some friends along with him, promising them dinner. Oh wait, somebody does mention the change in accents. Grayson laughs, exposing his fangs. Leaving his minion vampires behind, Grayson closes the door to the billiard room and uses a pool stick to barricade against any dinner escaping.

 

Mina wakes up to find Grayson at her side. She tells him she knows he was the one who saved her from the men who attacked her. Grayson insists she's confused and not remembering correctly but Mina knows better now.

 

Lady Jayne brings one of the visiting huntsman along to view the bloodbath in the billiard room. His name is Kaha Ruma and his a Maori. (He's got one of those tattoos around his eye like Mike Tyson.) Mr. Browning tells them he's also sent for the Sicilian, Loiza Scaverra, and that the Vatican is going to loan the Order a sacred relic. (What, no Rosicrucians?)

 

Lucy comes to the hospital to visit her frenemy, Mina. Without putting it in so many words, Lucy breaks it to Mina that Jonathan's throbbing python of love has found a new home.

 

Jonathan is off being sworn in to the Order.

 

Van Helsing slaps together a ransom note for the children.

 

Grayson receives the good news that the Board of Health have ruled in his favor over the steampunk thingy. Now Grayson can go ahead with his grand demonstration. Don't be too happy, Grayson. It was the Order who arranged the clean bill of health. They want you to have a grand demonstration so they can arrange a grand failure.

 

Mina pulls herself out of her sickbed to go confront Jonathan about Lucy. He tries to shift the blame, claiming Lucy has been throwing herself at him for weeks now. Mina, knowing Lucy's tastes don't run that way, can't believe him.

 

Stumbling her way into people as she wanders out into the fog, Mina has a vision in a rain puddle and faints. Anyway, Mina is found and returned to the hospital where she receives another visit from Grayson. She asks him just what is going on between them. Grayson admits that Mina reminds him of someone he used to love named Ilona. He's stunned when Mina confesses that she knows Ilona. She's dreamed of the other woman since childhood and the vision tonight in the rain puddle was of Ilona.

 

Mina goes on to tell Grayson how she and Jonathan have broken up because of his wango zee tango with Lucy. Grayson is appalled at Lucy's behavior. So appalled that he drops in on Lucy's bath, bites her on the neck and then forces Lucy to drink his vampire blood.

Dracula Episode 8

Come To Die

 

It's a busy night in London. Dracula is parked outside Mina's home doing his usual stalking stakeout. It just so happens, though, Mina isn't home. She's working (i.e. snooping) around Van Helsing's lab to discover his new secret hiding place for the mysterious liquid she had found earlier. Elsewhere, Lady Jayne is in huntress mode as vampires have been popping up all over town. Alright, cat fight! Always a good way to start off an episode. Lady Jayne is at least able to learn that the head vampire she's hunting for is none other than the Vlad Tepes.

 

Harker confides the whole General Shaw fiasco to his foreign accented buddy from the paper. (Yep, I've already forgotten his name.) After Jonathan admits he feels his life may be in danger, Foreign Accent Buddy slips him a spare gun for protection.

 

Lady Jayne reports her findings back to The Order. Some of the fogey stogies scoff at the idea. Dracula is only a myth. Mr. Browning orders his huntswoman to bring them some solid proof that Dracula is in London.

 

Jonathan warns Mina that his boss, Alexander Grayson, could be very dangerous and to stay away from the American for her own sake.

 

Grayson stops by Lady Jayne's house expecting to get his usual jollies. Surprisingly, Lady Jayne and her breasts aren't in the mood. In fact, it's time their friends with benefits without actual friendship situation came to an end. After all, Lady Jayne has known for some time that Grayson's heart really belongs to Mina.

 

The next day Grayson is surprised when Mina drops by his mansion. She lets him know that she and Jonathan know what kind of a ruthless man Grayson is and they won't allow him to drag them down to his level.

 

Lucy continues with her mission to seduce Jonathan. When that doesn't work out, Lucy innocently mentions seeing Mina at Grayson's mansion, which of course gets Jonathan's attention. He goes to the school to confront Mina about her meetings with Grayson. They argue.

 

After being scorned by his not-lady love, Dracula has a vampiric snit fit. Only Renfield can stop him, even if it involves trashing the place in the process.

 

Lady Jayne utilizes holy water to torture a couple of captured vampire. This time she learns that the vampire grape vine says Dracula has found a way to be able to endure sunlight.

 

Mina, alone in the lab at the school, is attacked by Road Rash (Lord Davenport's man) and a couple of thugs. Road Rash is about to pour some sulfuric acid on Mina's face when Dracula drops down from the ceiling and rips Road Rash's arm off. (It's quite graphic. I continue to be surprised at how much NBC will allow to be shown.)

 

The next morning Lady Jayne and Mr. Browning find the remains of Road Rash and company impaled on top of some iron fencing. Surely this is proof enough that The Impaler is in town for a limited engagement.

 

Grayson stops by the hospital to check up on Mina. She awakens, but due to a blow to the head and the swiftness of the attack the whole night is sort of a blur to her. (Whoops. Turns out that road rash on Road Rash is actually a birth mark. Didn't mean to be insensitive there. I just didn't know what the heck was on his face.) Jonathan suddenly remembers Lord Davenport's man had a large birth mark on his face.

 

Jonathan gets up to go inform the police about this. Grayson stops him, reminding Jonathan that the police are more likely to fall on Lord Davenport's side rather than believe a lowly ex-reporter. Jonathan leaves the hospital anyway and, with his foreign friend's pistol, confront Lord Davenport. Davenport starts playing mind games on his young intruder, repeatedly pointing out Grayson and Mina's attraction to one another. A much confused Jonathan sort of accidentally pulls the trigger and shoots Davenport in the chest. The only logical thing for Jonathan to do now is to stumble over to Lucy's house and start getting it on with her.

 

Family man Mr. Browning returns home only to find his two young children have been spirited away.

 

Renfield delivers the news of Lord Davenport's death to Dracula as well as the plot-twisting line of, "Mr. Harker worked out just as you planned." 

Boys Before Friends Episode 2

Admit it, you're curious. We all are.

 

 

We pick up where we left off last time with Zoey #1 being attacked in the girls locker room. (I'm going to call her Zoey #1 because the show is going to switch horses in midstream.) They've got her down on the floor when Oliver, the sensitive member of F4, comes in and gives one of the attackers the wimpiest backhand I've ever seen. A two-year-old could hit harder. Yet it seems to work as the three attackers slink off.

 

Oliver goes back to the broom closet/F4 HQ to confront Liam and his wig about sending the minions to rape Zoey. Liam defends himself. He never told the minions to rape Zoey, just to get rid of her. Perhaps you should be more specific next time, Liam. Just then the three rapists come into the broom closet to explain what went wrong. The F4 ... do something. You don't really see anything, just that the rapists all suddenly sink the floor as they cry out in pain.

 

Zoey #1 goes home to be comforted by her gal pals. They're watching TV when it is reported that model Jade Jones has decided to retire after a mere five years of working to devote more time to fighting human trafficking.

 

The F4 go to play basketball. The three rapists have been painted with the slogan "F4 Does Not Support Rape."

 

At another time (I guess) Liam and the gang are somewhere playing pool when an angry Zoey #1 barges in. She continues the show's tradition of barely slapping someone to express anger. But then she sees a picture taped to the wall of the three painted rapists and suddenly everything is kind of O.K.

 

Meanwhile the Mean Girls plot on getting rid of Zoey because she touched their hair.

 

Noah and Chase decide Zoey's a pretty good ol' gal and take her out to lunch. Noah informs Zoey that Oliver has been dating Jade Jones since way back. 

 

The Mean Girls act all friendly with Zoey and invite her to a fundraiser. Zoey admits she doesn't have anything fancy to wear to a gala. The Mean Girls assure her this is all low-key. Jeans and a T-shirt will be fine. 

 

Back in the broom closet, Liam gets the idea that Zoey is sweet on him. He decides to go to the one and only rehearsal room at this prestigious college to watch Zoey do her chicken dance. Liam can't understand why she's not bowled over by his stylin' and profilin'. Zoey criticizes his hair so perhaps this signals the end of that horrendous wig. Zoey storms out of the room and off-camera someone yells, "Cut."

 

Oh dear Lord. Oh dear Lord. If only I could show you a picture. In the next scene Liam goes to a hairdresser who is... Oh dear Lord. Part man (with a goatee), part woman (with breasts) and all Rainbow Brite hair. Rainbow Brite does the world's quickest haircut and suddenly Liam doesn't look so bad. (I don't know why the show had him wearing a wig in the first place.)

 

Next up, Liam sends the three rapists to abduct Zoey #1 from the rehearsal room. What a great idea: send her attackers to forcefully carry Zoey #1 off against her will. This time, however, they're specific orders are to take Zoey #1 to Rainbow Brite for a makeover that includes tattoo removal. Zoey #1 is transformed into Zoey #2.

 

Zoey #2 is dropped off at Liam's house. I'm ashamed to admit this but now that the dead raccoon is off of his head, Liam is looking pretty hot. Then he has to go open his mouth and make the stupid declaration that he's allowing Zoey #2 to be his secret girlfriend. Hot dudes should be silent dudes. Zoey #2 throws a drink in his face and storms out.

 

Later the F4 are playing basketball in a time warp. It's dusk. It's morning. It's dusk again. It's afternoon. Zoey #2 is walking by and Liam inquires as to why isn't she falling at his feet like all the other girls. Zoey gives him the "not if you were the last man on earth" speech.

 

Finally we get around to the fundraiser scene. Please ignore that long black cord on the floor. Zoey #2 and her gal pals show up in their casual street clothes. Suddenly that pesky time warp kicks in again and everything rewinds. The soundman didn't make it, I'm afraid, and you have to strain to hear what the "actors" are saying. Nikki, one of the Mean Girls/prostitutes, bitches at Zoey #2 and the gang for showing up at this swanky party wearing jeans. Chloe slaps Nikki on the ass while Piper just keeps on eating.

 

 

Brought to you by the "Writters" Eriden and Kel Williams.  

Dracula Episode 7

Servant Of Two Masters

 

 

Now that he's gotten his nickel-steel alloy, Dracula is back to perfecting his steampunk thingy. He thinks the machine is ready for a public demonstration.

 

Jonathan Harker figures out it was his own employer, Alexander Grayson, who arranged the frame-up of General Shaw. While Harker swears to expose Grayson, Dracula coolly points out that if anyone is to blame it would be Harker himself.

 

Mr. Browning and the boys feel threatened by Grayson's steampunk thingy and plot how to take him down.

 

Renfield has been sent to Budapest in order to try and get the Dresden triptych.

 

Dracula gets tied down and injected with the solar serum again. Van Helsing fusses at the vampire for not having fed on blood since the actress. He keeps bringing this up so I take it this will be important later on.

 

Grayson takes a stroll through the sunny park so he can "accidentally" bump into Mina. Afterwards he stops by Lady Jayne's for some afternoon delight. Jayne is perturbed because her sickly husband claims he's fallen in love with his nurse. Grayson advises his lover to go after the other woman.

 

Mina wants to arrange a dance for the patients at her father's mental hospital.

 

The Thirst! The Thirst!

 

Renfield makes it to Budapest (where naturally everyone has a British accent) and the auction where the Dresden triptych is to be sold. Also in the bidding crowd is that guy with the road rash on his face. What was his name again? Anyway, he works for The Order. Renfield outbids everyone with 1 million coronas (which for all I know is ten bucks).

 

Lucy goes to Lady Jayne's Breasts for comfort and advice after Mina's rejection. Lady Jayne reassures Lucy that Mina treated the young lesbian abominably, thus setting up the scenario of Lucy getting some kind of revenge. Lady Jayne sets out to train Lucy in the arts of seduction so Lucy can get Harker to betray Mina.

 

Chief Inspector Morrow, at the behest of The Order, secretly tampers with some milk that is being dispensed to the neighborhood around Grayson's factory. (I'm now curious as to whether this is how milk was really delivered back in the 1800's.)

 

Renfield returns to London only to discover he's been a victim of the old switch-a-roo. The real triptych is now in the hands of Lord Davenport. He opens the small paneling to reveal three paintings of Dracula's dead 15th century wife. Davenport recognizes the resemblance to Mina Murray and now knows Grayson's weakness.

 

A bag is put over Harker's head and he's whisked away for a forced meeting with Mr. Browning and The Order of the Dragon. The shadowy figures try to win Harker over to the power of Big Oil and boo to Grayon's steampunk thingy.

 

Dracula brings a small orchestra to the asylum to play for Mina's dance. But the Thirst! The Thirst! Mina asks him to dance with her. The Thirst! Dracula comes close to snacking on Mina. Luckily she's wearing a cross pendant which brings him back to his senses.

 

Meanwhile at the factory the public has been invited for a demonstration of the steampunk thingy and glowing light bulbs. Outside along the street, whatever was put in the milk is making the neighborhood sick. Morrow breaks up the crowd in the factory, claiming that the illness was caused by Grayson's machine. The police lock the factory up and confiscate the machinery.

 

Dracula takes it out on Chief Inspector Morrow by finally satisfying The Thirst.

Boys Before Friends Episode 1

This is the American version of the oft-told story of Boys Before Flowers/Hana Yori Dango/Let's Watch The Meteor Shower and whatever other version I've missed. I'm not really sure why I'm bothering to watch this as I am one of only ten people in the entire world who didn't like Boys Over Flowers.

 

 

 

After a few obligatory shots of California to orient us as to where the story is taking place, we see our main character of Zoey sleeping in her very nice (i.e. far from poor as in the original story) bed. Her roommate, Piper, must come into the room to wake Zoey up so she can make it to an audition. It's the law in California: everyone wants to be in showbiz and so must go to auditions.

 

We must endure a music video already (not even three minutes in) as Zoey gets ready. I'm not into her hair style. Zoey's omniscient voiceover tells us about Ellison University, the elite school that only accepts the best and the richest. Once a year, though, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, Ellison allows auditions for the common people to try and get in.

 

Yet more music as Zoey does her hip hop routine. Don't expect a Flashdance kind of audition as oddly the camera films the actress from the waist up and behind a table. Speaking of odd there's this one very, very brief scene where someone timidly opens a door. Inside a dark room a boy gets up and goes to firmly shut the door closed again. And that's all there is about that.

 

Time jump six months later. Zoey is still wearing the same outfit she wore to the audition. Perhaps they're her lucky togs. (More like the production couldn't afford to shoot another scene with different clothes so they just reused the same shot. Did they honestly think the viewers wouldn't notice she was wearing the same clothes six months later?)

 

Anyway, she's back at the school and I assume this means the other common people who auditioned were even worse than her (hard to believe) and Zoey has been accepted. A boy is walking through the hall when he's purposefully tripped. The other students all laugh at him. Wait a second - suddenly Zoey is wearing a different shirt! And that's all there is about that.

 

Time jump back two months earlier. (WTF?!?) Two guys are in a coffee shop talking. The soundman seems too afraid to get near them so I can't really tell what they're saying. Suddenly some blonde chick with really loud shoes (the soundman wasn't afraid to get near her) walks over to their table and slaps something down. Your guess is as good as mine as to what it is she put on the table. Perhaps it's the infamous F-4 note.

 

We now go to some prostitutes hanging out. Some guy (totally blocking the shot!) comes in to hand a note to the black chick with the ominous announcement of, "It's Chris." to go with it. No, not Chris! Wait, who's Chris?

 

Ah, the next scene explains it. One of the guys at the coffee shop was Chris. He's been beaten up so badly that the cameraman can't focus. Chris knows it's useless to go to the dean about the beating. It's his last year so Chris will just have to endure things.

 

I'm not sure if the next scene is yet another time jump back or forward or into another dimension. I'll just get to the point and say Chris becomes one of the F-4's lackies and starts abusing his friend who was trying to help him.

 

Okay, we're back to the boy being pushed down in the hallway scene. Zoey is wearing different clothes. She moves forward meaning to help the boy up when another girl races over to stop her. The girl warns Zoey not to do anything at the risk of pissing the F-4 off.

 

Exposition Girl (do you have a name?) explains to Zoey about how the F-4 runs the school. The group is composed of Noah McCalliser, Chase Carlton, Oliver Young, and their leader, Liam Montgomery. OMG, his hair! Is this supposed to be set back in the 80's or something?

 

Exposition Girl goes on to give a deposition on each of the F-4. Noah's family may be rich because of connections with the Mafia. Chase has the number one album in the country right now. Oliver is a musical genius. (You'd think he'd be the guy with the number one album but you'd think wrong.) Then there's Liam (and his hair). His great great grandfather built Ellison U., he's the star basketball player, and he turned down an offer to go to the NBA.

 

Before Exposition Girl can cover any more ground the group of prostitutes come over to give Zoey a hard time. The F-4 themselves come into the room and the prostitutes start squealing like fangirls. OMG, there's another guy with the same awful wig as Liam's! Liam doesn't like someone else having the same wig on as he does so he takes a pair of scissors and cuts the guy's ponytail off. (It takes some time as these cheap wigs are made of tough material.)

 

Zoey tells her friends all about the awful bullying and wig cutting going on at the school. Her friends, and later her father as well, advise Zoey to just let it go and not get involved.

 

The next scene has Zoey enter a room twice. Not sure what's up with that. Anyway the room if full of pizza boxes that Zoey must clean up. Now that she was able to get all that trash into one bag, there's room enough for Zoey to "dance" (and I use that word loosely).

 

It's a new school day and the F-4 grace Ellison with their presence. The prostitutes (wearing outfits that still convince me this is the Eighties) squeal. A girl dares to approach Liam and his hair with an offering of a cream pie. You know what comes next - he smashes the pie in the girl's face. What's that noise? Someone says its the sound of the camera as it films. Soundman, get away from the camera and get closer to the actors!

 

Zoey and Exposition Girl are walking through the library (with coffee! What library allows you to bring food and drink into it?) This is the scene where Exposition Girl accidentally trips and splashes the coffee on Liam's clothes. She begs for forgiveness but Liam pronounces her doom. Zoey finally speaks up and gets all up in his wig.

 

Zoey is with Exposition Girl/Aubrey at the Coffee Shop of Doom when the prostitutes with the loud shoes come in (again, blocking the shot) to slap a piece of paper down on the table. For once Exposition Girl doesn't want to explain as Zoey asks what the heck the paper mean. In fact Aubrey doesn't want to be anywhere near the newest target of the F-4.

 

There's that noise again. What the heck is it?

 

So even though this is supposed to be college the prostitutes do all sorts of high school highjinx to torture Zoey. Okay, there was this one funny moment when they slip some dye into Zoey's bathwash and she ends up with green skin.

 

Zoey shows up to the library (the only "school" set this show seems to have) for her final exams. There are no chairs left and the T.A. tells her to sit in the floor with the rest of the trash. (That right there would have been a lawsuit in the Real World.)

 

Zoey and her friends (not Exposition Girl - she's a coward) decide to strike back by toilet papering the F-4's teeny tiny hangout. That oughta show 'em! When the boys discover their closet has been trashed, Zoey hands out her own Z-4 cards (I kinda liked that part) and declares her own war on the boys. Which is basically doing the same things to them that the prostitutes did to her.

 

(There's a funny moment when Liam and his wig enter the showers, yet when he gets down to washing the ponytail is suddenly gone.)

 

But then it gets really serious. Zoey is alone in the girls locker room when three guys (including Chris) come in and start to sexually assault her. The camera fades to black (or the battery runs out) and the show ends with this cliffhanger.

Dracula Episode 6

Of Monsters And Men

Mr. Browning has started to suspect Alexander Grayson is a vampire. Lady Jayne scoffs at the idea. That evening she and her breasts accompany Grayson to a restaurant. He excuses himself for a moment to go over to the table where Harker and Mina are sitting. Lucy is less than thrilled by Dracula's presence and she excuses herself. This allows Lady Jayne an opportunity to invite Lucy over for tea next afternoon while hinting heavily that she knows Lucy's secret.

 

Harker and Mina laugh and stumble through the rain like fools in love. They return back to his home where Mina strips off her wet clothes (but not a corset, because what Victorian woman wears a corset?) Mina has decided that tonight is the night.

 

 

 

 

The next morning Harker reports to work. Grayson is needing some nickel-steel alloy stuff for his steampunk thingy. There's only one place in England that makes it: Empire and Colonial Metallurgy. (The scene of Renfield's abduction.) The business is owned by American Ewan Telford III. Telford may be a Yankee but he's totally into the Wild West thing, including high stakes poker games. And it just so happens he's holding a game tonight.

 

 

A recovering Renfield makes his first appearance to inform Dracula that he has found [insert dramatic music] The Dresden Triptych! It's a 15th century Romanian baroque set to be auctioned off next week. However, Lord Davenport's sources have learned that Grayson really, really wants this thing. Davenport orders some guy named Hackett (with a bad case of road rash on his face) to get this triptych before Grayson does.

 

Dracula returns home after a triumphant game of cards with Telford. Apparently Ewan didn't know when to hold 'em nor when to fold 'em and has now lost his metallurgy business to Grayson. Renfield informs his employer that the board meeting of British Imperial Coolant has been rescheduled and will be held at noon. As chairman of the board, if Grayson doesn't show up he risks losing his position.

 

Over at the university Mina, still snooping around in Professor Van Helsing's secret lab, discovers a bottle of Dracula's blood/serum and injects some of it into a dead rat because... yeah, why not? That's all the world needs is a vampire rat.

 

The next day Lucy arrives for her tea with Lady Jayne. Taking on the role of a mother figure, Lady Jayne assures Lucy that these strange cravings for other women are actually quite common and a natural process of maturation. After getting Lucy all hot and bothered, Lady Jayne advises the young girl to press her suit with Mina.

 

 

Van Helsing catches Mina in his secret room and dismisses her as his assistant. She discloses her experiments with the strange substance she found in his lab. Van Helsing attempts to explain the serum away while... oh no, he's getting out his shiny hammer! The one he used to bash in the heads of those two seers. He's coming up behind her as Mina starts telling her sob story about her mummy dying from cancer. Looks like the sob story works as Van Helsing quickly stashes the Hammer O' Death away.

 

Harker couldn't help himself and helped slip the tidbit about General Shaw's dirty dealings to an old press buddy. The news is now all over England, making Shaw useless to the Order. (Does this mean we won't be seeing any more of Bald British Bloke?) Lord Davenport isn't fooled and confronts Harker about his part in the Shaw debacle. Road Rash gives Harker one ticket to Henrik Ibsen's A Doll House. Harker attends the show and recognizes one of the play's actresses as the woman who gave him all the accounting info on General Shaw.

 

Lucy comes out to Mina. Mina is kind of grossed out.

 

Dracula (is he wearing tighty whities?) is strapped down to a ... well, I don't know what it is but he's strapped to it. Van Helsing is going to ... I don't know what the hell is going on. All I can say is it looks painful for Dracula as Van Helsing tries to saturate the vampire's tissues with the solar serum.

 

The board meeting is being held in a solarium with lots of sunlight and a looooong table with stuffed shirts seated at it. Grayson is late and everyone is whispering about it when Behold! there he is. Renfield keeps anxiously checking his pocket watch as the meeting gets underway. They're not sure how long the serum will work. Renfield comes in and whispers into his boss's ear. Grayson acts like he's being called away by something important. But before they can escape the sunny room Lord Davenport stops Grayson to ask some questions. Dracula has to keep his head turned as part of his face is starting to look like raw meat. Finally Dracula is able to slip away to his carriage where he can scream in pain.

 

Van Helsing is thinking back to the night his family was burned alive by the Order. He recognized Mr. Browning as being one of the men bearing torches that night.

 

Back at the playhouse, everyone is closing up and leaving for the night. The last person left is the actress Vera, the one Harker recognized. She senses Dracula is near and starts protesting she did exactly as he asked. When Dracula appears he looks like the Incredible Melting Man. He feasts on Vera's blood in order to restore his body, as well as to tie up some loose ends.

Dracula Episode 5

The Devil's Waltz

 

 

Mina wakes up to discover Edward Cullen Alexander Grayson is in her bedroom watching her sleep. Dracula warns her she's making a terrible mistake in marrying Jonathan Harker and perhaps there's a part of her who realizes this is true. Mina refuses to call off the wedding but indicates its more than fine with her if Grayson wants to crawl into her bed and start getting it on.

 

Oh, so this is Mina's wet dream.

 

Dracula and Van Helsing are down in the steampunk basement where they plan to test out the professor's sunlight serum on a spare vampire they keep for just such an occasion. Only now does Dracula ask, "Where's Renfield?"

 

Here's Renfield: beaten and tied to a chair while being questioned by the very proper Miss Janina Kleiberson. She brings out her tablecart of torture tools and begins her work, giving Renfield a manicure - from the inside out.

 

Harker is gathering up dirt on General Shaw. He's getting kickbacks from an arms manufacturer. Harker excitedly reports back to his employer but Grayson doesn't want to hear about any of this crap right now. He's worried about Renfield. Harker goes rushing off to make inquiries at the hospitals and morgues and has little time to talk with Mina although their engagement party is tonight. Mina is miffed because of the guest list and how Harker hasn't invited any of his old (poor) chums to the party.

 

Lucy is also upset because she learned Mina had a wet dream last night and she wasn't a part of it.

 

Kleiberson continues torturing Renfield. Its quite icky, what we hear as much as see.

 

Dracula figures Renfield has been abducted by the Order. He's anxious to come to Renfield's rescue but, being a vampire and all, Dracula must wait until the sun goes down. That is, unless Van Helsing's experiment is a success.

 

Ah, but this gives us time for a flashback! We go back twelve years earlier. Night. A train travels through what I take to be the American Southwest. Grayson is on board the train (and back to using his British accent (screw Transylvania!)) and trying to see Mr. Havershim, who is surrounded by armed goons. Grayson is wanting to buy some businesses off of Havershim and offers gold for them.

 

Things get tense when all the goons start cocking their guns. Renfield, who at this time is working as a porter, tries to diffuse the situation by politely offering Grayson some advice as well as a whiskey. Johnny Walker to the rescue!

 

Harker comes back with a lead on what happened to Renfield. Grayson and Van Helsing begin experimenting on the spare vampire strapped down to a table. First step is to shock the hell out of her to see if they can get her heart back to pumping. After injecting the unnamed vampire with the serum, Van Helsing opens the skylight and lets the sun in. She's good for about fifteen seconds then bursts into flames.

 

Night falls and finally Dracula can jump into action. Too bad he takes the horseless carriage as a toddler could probably walk faster than that thing. Dracula uses his vampire sense of smell to track which way they took Renfield.

 

Meanwhile back at the manor the engagement party gets underway and for once I find myself liking Mina's dress. Harker has made a concession to his fiancé by inviting one of his friends from the newspaper.

 

Renfield has been untied from the chair and is surrounded by Kleiberson's "assistants" who take turns kicking the man. This reminds Renfield of the train trip. He had just offered Grayson the whiskey (and a whispered warning about the danger) when Havershim and his "assistants" knock Renfield to the floor and take turns kicking him. Renfield has a limited vision of Grayson going into action and taking out the goons. There's also a brief glimpse of Grayon carrying Havershim's head.

 

Back to the past/present, Kleiberson keeps asking who Grayson loves as her men keep kicking. Renfield starts laughing as he's spied the shadowy figure of Dracula up above. Dracula leaps down to the floor and attacks. OMG, he tore some guy's arm off! OMG! I can't believe NBC showed that!

 

Kleiberson just stands there like an idiot when she should have been running while Dracula was busy dismembering her team.

 

Grayson arrives back at the party about the same time when Lady Wetherby and her breasts arrive. Dracula informs Harker that he's found and retrieved Renfield although he still doesn't know who was behind the abduction. Jayne notices Lucy's looks of longing directed to an oblivious Mina.

 

Grayson tells Jayne about Renfield being kidnapped and such. This is so Dracula can use his vampire lie detector sense to see if Jayne was a part of the whole scheme. She passes. (I'm surprised she's not passing out. How does she breathe with her breasts pushed up like that?) Harker introduces his boss to Mr. Browning, Lord Davenport and some other folks. Grayson shakes hands with all of them then surreptitiously smells his hand as he's trying to literally sniff out the culprit. There's a match! So at least Dracula knows its one of the four men he just met.

 

Jayne confronts Lord Davenport about Renfield. Was this Order business? Davenport acts like he doesn't know what she's talking about.  I wonder if she was using her breasts as a lie detector.

 

Harker thinks the best way to thank Grayson for allowing them to use Carfax Manor for the party is to give Grayson the first dance with Mina. At first Mina is a little stiff but as they twirl around she remembers the erotic dream from before and starts to loosen up. Lucy notices this. Lady Jayne and her breasts notice this. Harker notices this but at least he's able to politely cut in on the dance.

 

That night everyone has to deal with thwarted desires. Dracula gently tends to Renfield's injuries as he thinks back to when he first employed the large man. Renfield had been trained as a lawyer but faced obstacles because of his race which is how he ended up tending the bar on the train. Dracula confides that he too knows what its like to face obstacles because of his difference. Renfield insists he can't work for anyone without complete trust. Dracula agrees that Renfield will know all his secrets.

Reign Episode 1

I meant to watch this show back when it first started but then Real Life became extremely uncooperative and I ended up kind of forgetting about it. Then a bunch of horny women on GoodReads started squeeing about someone called BASH! and using his gif every chance they could, thus I was reminded this show existed.

 

Starring Adelaide Kane, Megan Follows, Torrance Combs and Toby Regbo (who looks an awful lot like a guy I work with).

 

 

 

Okay, we're off to an odd start. A bearded man has a dream where his hands are covered with blood. He awakes suddenly and gasps, "She's coming!" The next shot shows a woman panting heavily. Could you be any more suggestive, CW? BTW, the bearded guy turns out to be Nostradamus. (I could nitpick on how this actor is way to young to be the Nostradamus who knew Catherine de Medici, but there are so many other things that need to be nitpicked instead.)

 

The Great Omniscient Subtitles tell us this is France of 1557 (so naturally everyone has British accents). For her own safety Mary Queen of Scots and the Isles has been hidden away in a French convent since she was nine. What kind of crappy modern folk music is playing? Anyway it's lunch time. The (very talkative) nuns and their charges all sit down to a table to eat. Mary notices a young nun is starting to foam at the mouth and bleed out her ears. Everyone starts screaming but at least one person has the sense to scream for the food to be taken immediately away from Mary. Poison!

 

At the Royal Palace we get to see Mary's intended, Prince Francis, as well as his half-brother Sebastian (said BASH! of aforementioned squeeing). King Henry II and Queen Catherine are getting ready for their daughter's wedding. With much fanfare Mary is brought to court, again for her own safety.

 

She doesn't look a thing like this.

 In fact no one is dressed period appropriate.

 

 



While everyone is outside awaiting the arrival of Mary's carriage, a mysterious masked woman watches from a room upstairs. The Woman in the Burlap Mask! Down below Mary is greeted by her giggling ladies in waiting with the non-sixteenth century sounding names of Kenna, Greer, Aylee and Lola. I hate you all already. Mary and Francis haven't laid eyes on each other since they were children. Now their hearts are aflutter. However there's a dark cloud as Nostradamus warns Catherine he's had a vision: Mary will cost Francis his life.

 

While the giggling girls run off to explore the castle, Mary goes wandering upstairs and discovers Francis' secret laboratory where he makes his own cutlery. The two get some flirting on. Where's your codpiece and poofy pants, Francis? He returns to his rooms where his secret girlfriend (in a really ugly dress) is waiting for him.

 

Mary is out by the castle moat gathering up pretty rocks when her dog starts growling in the direction of the dark forest. Startled, she drops the rocks in the mud. The camera keeps showing them to us so it must be symbolic of something. I just don't know what of. Anyway, Mary totally ignores the growling of the dog and goes up to Francis' room to give him the pretty pebbles. He dresses her down for showing up unannounced. She quickly figures out he's not alone.

 

Disgusted, Mary goes back out to the moat to throw the pebbles into the water. Her dog runs off into the woods. Mary starts to go after him when she's stopped by BASH! who warns her not to ever go into the woods. What, is this the Forbidden Forest? Are there giant spiders and centaurs in there? What? Mary and BASH! get some flirting on.

 

One of the giggling girls, Lola, wants to marry her boyfriend, Colin. They go to Queen Catherine for permission. The Queen sends Lola and her ladies out of the room so it's just Catherine and Colin. We don't get to see (yet) what they talk about.

 

Giggling girl Aylee warns Mary to be careful around BASH! as he's the castle's resident bad boy. Mary is getting ready to bathe when she discovers the pebbles she threw away have reappeared on her dresser. It was The Woman in the Burlap Mask. Hidden behind a screen, the masked woman raspily warns Mary not to drink the wine. Mary discovers a hidden door leading to a secret passage.

 

That evening they celebrate the marriage of Princess Elizabeth of France. (Elizabeth is wearing a white wedding gown even though at that time white was worn more for mourning.) Giggly Lola isn't giggling now as her supposed boyfriend Colin is spending more time with Mary at the prom wedding party.

 

Colin has brought Mary a glass of wine so he can make a toast. Mary remembers the warning she got from Burlap Mask and doesn't drink. Not wanting her BFF to be mad at her, Mary insists Lola and the Girls kick off their shoes and kick up their heels on the dance floor. More horrible music plays. Both Francis and BASH! are enchanted by the uninhibited prom queen.

 

Mary and the Gigglies go to watch the newly married princess get ready to get laid. (Elizabeth and her attendants are now wearing clothes from the seventeenth century! WTH, wardrobe?!) A bunch of old men stand right there next to the bed as the marriage is consummated, which is probably the only historically accurate thing in this entire episode.

 

The girls get all horny seeing this action and go running to look for relief. Lola searches for Colin while another girl finds a helpful King Henry to scratch her itch. More horrible music plays! Mary tracks down Prince Francis but they get into an argument instead of getting it on. She goes on to bed alone when she's awoken by Colin climbing on top of her. She screams and guards rush in while Colin keeps apologizing.

 

It was a setup to ruin Mary's reputation and prevent her from marrying Francis. Colin tells Lola this much but he's too afraid to reveal it was Queen Catherine who put him up to it. The wine was supposed to have drugged Mary so she wouldn't be able to stop Colin from assaulting her. Mary is wearing a horrendous dress. On behalf of her BFF, Mary goes to the King and Queen to plead for Colin but it's too late: he's been beheaded. This causes a big rift between Mary and the Gigglies.

 

BASH! returns Mary's dog. He starts to get his flirt on (BASH!, that is - not the dog) but his mother, Diane, shows up to put a damper on things. After Mary leaves, Diane asks her son where he found the dog. BASH! says cryptic things like the dog was in the woods, drawn to the blood.

 

That night during a thunderstorm Mary is out on the battlements (always a good place to be when its lightning) when she's joined by Burlap. As more excruciatingly bad music plays, Mary thanks the mysterious woman for the warning about the wine. Yet when she turns around the Woman In The Burlap Mask has disappeared.

Almost Human Episode 1

A buddy cop drama?!? Who would have thunk it? Starring Caesar. Julius Caesar (for us old folks) and some other guy.

 

 

 

The year is 2048, and as we all know here in the present, the future sucks. (Hunger Games. Divergent. Just about every other friggin' YA novel out there right now.) With crime out of control and the police heavily outnumbered, the new plan is to pair every cop with an android. No, this isn't Robocop. Well, maybe a little bit.

 

The scene opens with a heavy gun battle straight out of a video game. Detective John Kennex is determined to come to the rescue of his fallen partner. The other androids refuse to help Kennex as the wounded Pehlam has a very low chance of survival and they must protect the other humans. So Isaac Asimov be damned!

 

As Kennex struggles to carry Pehlam away they're shot at by some massive weapon. Pehlam is finished off and Kennex has his leg graphically shot off. Eww.  Before he can crawl away from the carnage, the evil criminals throw a futuristic grenade and Kablooey!

 

Two years and one coma later, Kennex struggles to remember the details of that fateful day and identify the criminals behind the slaughter. As Kennex walks the streets of Bladerunner he has a strange encounter with an android cop who mentions something about people coming over The Wall.

 

The next morning Kennex gets called into police headquarters which is located in the much nicer, much cleaner part of the city. (Looks a great deal like Oasis Landing from the Sims 3 game.) His return to work has mixed reviews from the other cops.

 

There's been a crime recently that may have been done by the same "Insyndicate" that was behind the battle from the first scene. A truck is attacked by masked Anonymous/V members. One of the thieves was shot during the robbery and he's currently being treated at the hospital. Kennex goes to check it out, displeased that he's obligated to have an android partner go with him.

 

The truck that was robbed had been transporting "programmable DNA" as well as something called Myklon Red. This red stuff makes Kennex have a flashback of the botched raid. There had been cannisters of Myklon Red at the sight. Back to the present/future, another (human) cop, Detective Valerie Stahl, explains how this robbery was in the territory of the Khmer Black Gang but she doesn't think they're the ones behind this. As Kennex and his android partner are returning to HQ, Kennex gets tired of the robot, opens the car door and literally throws his partner under the bus. (And how many billions of dollars did that cost the taxpayers, Detective Kennex?)

 

Depeche Mode time!

 

Kennex needs a replacement and goes to see Rudy (the skinny one-eyed guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.) All Rudy has in stock right now is a DRN, or Dorian. Kennex is rather wary of this as Dorian comes from a model series that is known to have problems.

 

Elsewhere, the evil 'N Sync are looking at their Kindle Fires and start shouting, "He's on the move!" Ah, but who is "he" exactly?

 

Officer Whitey McWhite is stopping to grab a cup of coffee when Anonymous strikes again. Officer Whitey's android is damaged in the attack but is still able to record his partner's abduction. Back at HQ Kennex takes a page from The Shield and starts beating up the one Anonymous member they have in custody. Dorian figures out that the suspect from the robbery actually shot himself. The suspect, Trevor, admits he did it as a way to get away from 'N Sync as they're evil. He gives Kennex an address where the kidnapped officer might be.

 

While Kennex and his crew race to the address, Trevor asks to go to the bathroom. Alone in the stall, Trevor gags himself in order to regurgitate some electronic doodad that he sticks to the back of the toilet. Eww.

 

Kennex and Dorian find Whitey McWhite sealed inside a booby-trapped box. Kennex attempts to call the cop who is transporting Trevor to warn her this is a setup. The call is abruptly interrupted when the cop car is attacked and Anonymous rescues Trevor. Meanwhile the booby trap is tripped and the sealed box is filled with a gas that melts poor Whitey McWhite. Eww.

 

Rudy is sent a sample of Whitey's blood. After some exposition of how futuristic cops have to be regularly inoculated and stuff, Rudy says the melted man had Myklon Red and programmable DNA in his blood specifically targeting the inoculation. Whatever. It's designer disease created to target the police force.

 

Kennex goes all Total Recall as he goes to a black market recollectionist in order to dig up more memories of the first raid. The recollectionist warns its too dangerous for Kennex to do this. Kennex is like, "Oh, well, if its dangerous then I won't do it."

 

Of course he doesn't say that!

 

As blood pours from his nose, Kennex starts to seizure as he goes back to that dog day afternoon. Only this time he's able to make a break through and see the person who threw the grenade at him. It was his ex-girlfriend! OMG, Neil Sedaka was right - breaking up is hard to do!

 

The evil 'N Sync are on the roof of the police station. They set up a piece of equipment that will knock out all the cop androids. Dorian is an older model so what's the frequency Kenneth doesn't work on him. Next the Insyndicate is planning to take out the human police force with their designer disease gas when a firefight breaks out and the evil 'N Sync are killed or captured.

 

The reason the criminals were hitting Cop HQ is because of something that's being stored in the Raiders of the Lost Ark evidence warehouse. The problem is the cops don't know what exactly "it" is evil 'N Sync was willing to kill for. That's for later episodes. If there are later episodes, that is.

Dracula Episode 4

From Darkness To Light

 

We start on an early version of the subway. Somebody covered in a blanket appears to be drunk. Sitting further down the car is a trio of vampires. Slowly they get up and start stalking their prey. Only who is really the prey here? Lady Jayne throws off her blanket and gets her Buffy on. The third vampire, Josef Cervanka, knows an ass kicking when he sees one and he escapes off the moving train. He goes to Carfax Manor to seek asylum from his old master, Dracula.

 

Alexander Grayson has offered his palatial home for Harker and Mina's engagement party. Watching from the shadows, Josef can't help but notice the similarities between Mina and Dracula's long-dead wife. While Mina and Lucy discuss floral arrangements, Dracula gives Harker a mission to research General Colin Shaw who is advocating war with the Ottoman Empire. After Harker and Lucy leave, Grayson offers to show Mina a test run of his steampunk thingy in the basement. Suddenly things start to blow up and blow steam. Dracula grabs Mina to shelter her with his body.

 

Van Helsing tests his latest sunscreen serum on Dracula. It kinda sort of works, if you discount the flames bursting out of Dracula's fingertips. Now all Vlad needs is a heart that pumps or at least something like it.

 

Back at Van Helsing's laboratory, Mina is supposed to be working but instead is nosing around. She discovers a secret door that is locked. Naturally she just has to find out what is behind the door. It's another laboratory. Naturally she just has to find out what is on these slides. They're samples of blood (Dracula's).

 

Lucy kinda sort of makes a confession of love but Mina is too thick-headed to get it.

 

Grayson takes Lady Jayne out to a mud wrestling match. This totally turns her on. They can't get their clothes off fast enough.

 

Josef has been snacking down in the kitchen... on the kitchen staff.

 

Mr. Browning and crew meet with General Ogilvy and General Shaw. There's that bald British actor whose name I still can't recall. He's playing General Shaw. Good thing too as Mr. Browning is tired of General Ogilvy and has him strangled. At least Bald British Bloke has some lines this episode.

 

(A-ha, the guy's name is Peter Woodward. Thank you, Scott G. That was driving me crazy.)

 

Lord Davenport sets off on his own private crusade to destroy Alexander Grayson for what happened to Daniel. Daddy Davenport meets with a Miss Kleiberson to arrange revenge.

 

Renfield expresses his distrust and dislike of Dracula's buddy, Josef.

 

Lady Jayne's breasts invite Grayson over in order to break up with him.

 

Josef asks his master for permission to kill Jayne. Dracula seems to give it to him. Jayne is asleep in her bed when Josef appears in her bedroom. Suddenly Grayson grabs Josef from behind. The two men struggle with Grayson appearing to be knocked out. All this noise rouses Jayne from her sleep and she beheads Josef, his vampire ashes swirling around like a mini tornado. Grayson comes to and Jayne assures him he scared the intruder away. She now sees Grayson as the man who came to her rescue (or at least tried).

 

As part of his assignment to dig up dirt on Shaw, Harker meets with a one-armed veteran who in turn directs Jonathan to a woman called Vera Markham. And that's all we see about that until next episode.

 

Renfield is out doing business on behalf of the steampunk thingy. He's attacked, knocked out and dragged away by Lord Davenport's minions.