Rani Episode 1

So I was perusing though Viki's archives when this French costume drama caught my eye and I decided to give it a try.

 

 

 

The year is 1743. Phillipe de Valcourt is riding in to join his father the marquess for dinner. He thinks he brings good news when he announces he's been promoted to the rank of colonel and an aide de camp to a duke. Dad is not impressed as he sees this as just another way for his ne're-do-well son to stay as far away from any fighting as he can. There's a good reason why Dad is displeased with Phillipe. While getting his will in order, Dad has discovered Phillipe has been forging his name in order to get large loans so he can pay for favors at court. Therefore Dad has decided to leave the bulk of the family estate to his daughter, Jolanne.

 

Phillipe can't believe it. Jolanne is a bastard daughter Dad fathered on his native housekeeper from Macao. Dad has legally recognized Jolanne and hopes she has inherited all the good genes he apparently hasn't been able to pass on to Phillipe.

 

Jolanne is off at a convent getting schooled. That night she sneaks into the bed of her very good friend, Laure. And when I say good friend I mean really, really, really good friend. It just so happens the tall Laure is also engaged to be married to the slightly shorter than she Phillipe.

 

Back home, Phillipe helps his father go to sleep - the Big Sleep - with a pillow over the face. With the will not scheduled to be read until Jolanne is present, Phillipe attempts to bribe the notary who has the document in his possession. The notary just barely stays straight and refuses the bribe. Thwarted.

Phillipe's next evil step is to try to marry Jolanne off to some old baron he owes money to. Jolanne is less than thrilled at the idea and refuses the proposal. (Perhaps she doesn't want to leave her really, really, really good friend Laure.) While the family is hosting the funeral at the castle and feeding all their guests, a messengers races in to report the shocking news that the notary's house is on fire. A-ha: no will is good will.

That evening Jolanne and Laure have a lover's spat when Jolanne tries to convince her really, really, really good friend not to marry Phillipe. Laure doesn't care what kind of scoundrel Phillipe is. She wants to be a marchioness and go to Paris and not have to smell peasants!

The notary tells Phillipe that the house and all the important papers (wills, land deeds, etc.) are a total loss. However, since he was about to read it to the public, the notary just happened to have the late marquess' will safe at another location. Phillipe simply rips the will out of the notary's hands and throws the guys out the front door.

Phillipe goes to Jolanne's room and starts feeling her up! Jolanne knees him in the balls and takes off, grabbing a horse and riding willy nilly into the woods. Good thing she was dressed in male clothing (although I don't know why she was dressed this way). She nearly runs off a cliff. When she dismounts her horse is like, "I'm outta here!" and runs away. As Jolanne is standing near the edge of the cliff, thinking back to her loving father, a man rides up. He thinks she's a young man about to throw himself into the river below so grabs Jolanne from behind.

After realizing his mistake our mystery man gives Jolanne a ride back. Along the way he explains he's from Ireland (or so he says) and is secretly working for the French while they're at war with England. He's not wearing a uniform because he's on a secret mission to meet with Phillipe. (Remember, he's a colonel.)

Mystery Man takes Jolanne to an abandoned church where we get the obligatory flash of female nudity as Jolanne changes into some dry clothes. Mystery Man uncovers a secret passage that leads from the church to the chateau. Before they part ways he grabs her for a long kiss goodbye. Probably her first kiss. From a man, that is.

Up at the chateau, Phillipe turns a candelabra in order to open the secret passage door. Mystery Man (sure would like to know your name) delivers a large amount of gold in exchange for a map and battle plans. These plans are overheard by Isabelle, mother of Laure and secretly one of Phillipe's lovers. She kind of makes me think of Vanessa Redgrave.

After Mystery Man leaves, Isabelle enters the room to confront Phillipe for being a traitor to France. He assures her he has plans to have the mystery man killed and the map retrieved so no one will ever know about this. But Isabelle knows. In return for her silence she wants Phillipe to marry her instead of Laure. Phillipe doesn't want her saggy breasts. She slaps him. When he slaps her back Isabelle falls and hits her head on the corner of the desk. Looks like there's going to be another funeral.

When Mystery Man returns to the abandoned church he's surprised to find Jolanne is still there. She begs for him to take her with him but of course he can't do that. Suddenly Phillipe's men attack. Jolanne helps to run interference so Mystery Man can escape.

With the help of Laroche, a crooked policeman on his payroll, Phillipe sets about to frame Jolanne. Planting some money in her bedroom, Phillipe accuses Jolanne of having told the spy about the secret passage. When the spy came into Phillipe's office to steal the military plans, Isabelle discovered him and the spy murdered her. Laroche arrests Jolanne for treason as well as being an accomplice to murder.

Jolanne is rushed through a trial and sentenced to be beheaded. Laroche is transporting her to her execution in Paris. As a dejected Jolanne rides inside a big cage she catches sight of Mystery Man riding past their cavalcade. They have to stop for the night at an inn and a filthy Jolanne is brought o Laroche's room for "interrogation." Jolanne pretends to go along with his "interrogation" in order to get her shackles off. Once she's free she slugs Laroche in the face with her chains and then jumps out of the first storey window.

With soldiers firing at her (and missing) as she runs through the courtyard, Mystery Man rides up like the romance hero he is and lifts Jolanne up onto his horse. Once they get away safely to a friend's farm, we get some explanations as well as another obligatory nude shot. Mystery Man's name is Craig Walker. He's tells Jolanne he's really English, he had nothing to do with the death of Isabelle and it was Phillipe who truly committed treason by selling the battle plans. Craig plans on taking Jolanne to his mother's place in Ireland until the war is over, then he'll testify to Phillipe's perfidy and clear Jolanne's name.

Now it's time for sex. Probably her first time. With a man, that is. 

Spiral Episode 2

I'm cooking dinner as I'm watching this so you'd better not be gross, Show.

For the long-running mystery (concerning the brutal murder of Elina), Prosecutor Pierre Clement confronts his friend Benoit. Yes, he knew the dead girl. He loved her. She had been at his house earlier the night she died but he claims not to know anything about the crime itself. His weak alibi is that he went to a casino and lost a lot of money.

For the secondary mystery, Clement arrives at a bloody crime scene. A black woman in handcuffs sits outside in the hallway while inside Coke Cop tries to calm a crying white woman. The victim, stabbed to death, is a small infant. Captain Laure Berthaud fills the prosecutor in on what they know. The woman in handcuffs is the baby's nanny. The crying woman is the neighbor who had called the police. The mother is away working as a checkout girl at a grocery store. (I'm sorry but there's no way in hell a checkout clerk can afford a nanny. I don't care what country you live in - no way.)

Back at his office, and with the help of a translator, Clement talks with a deaf old man. The conversation has something to do with key rings. Apparently this is a third case that has nothing to do with anything.

Coke Cop has found Ghislaine Androux, the mother of the baby. She's a former junkie back in rehab, this time for alcohol abuse. Berthaud is the one who has to break the bad news to Androux.

Coke Cop then meets with his informant/hooker girlfriend/dealer about the Elina case. She's not heard anything on The Street. 

On the advice of Clement, Benoit goes to tell his tale to Judge Roban. He explains Elina was a  professional escort (aka high price hooker) on the side. The Judge shows Benoit a list of names taken out of the diary. Does he recognize any of them? Benoit nervously laughs and says of course he recognizes the names. Everyone would. They're very prominent and powerful names.

Clement's estranged wife, Marianne, stops by his roomy apartment to bring him a painting. They seem to get along well, so why are they living apart?

Berthaud's other cop, Fromentin, has been keeping tabs on a ring of deaf keyring peddlers. Berthaud, with the translator from the earlier scene, come out to join Fromentin where they can see the deaf peddlers giving their profits to a Fagin type guy. The translator is acting odd. Berthaud calls for a swarm of backup and they storm the rundown building where Fagin and his deaf gang live. Everyone is arrested. Is selling keyrings that much of a crime in France?

Meanwhile, back at Clement's apartment, he just got some from Marianne. Benoit stops by to tell Clement how the talk with the judge went. He's worried about the diary and all the names in it. Benoit helped introduce Elina to some of her important clients and he worries that if these men are called in to be questioned it will go bad for him. He tries to talk Clement into "borrowing" the diary long enough to see just what and who is in it. Clement refuses. Benoit warns that Marianne's father's name may be in the diary. 

Hello? What about the dead baby? Are we ever going to get back to that?

Karlsson meets with her prospective new employer, the crazy lawyer guy who lives way in the back of the office. Crazy Lawyer has been disbarred and can't legally practice but can't give up the law. It's in his blood! He wants Karlsson to be his puppet, basically. He pulls the strings behind the scenes while she appears in court. Karlsson agrees before she learns Crazy Lawyer was disbarred because he was convicted of rape.

Berthaud goes out to dinner with the translator. I guess she got tired of waiting for Clement. I still think there's something up with the translator, like maybe he knows more about the deaf keyring case than he's letting on. Perhaps he's even a part of it.

Finally we get back to the dead baby case. The nanny is brought in to testify to Roban. She claims the baby was full of "evil" and she was just trying to get it out. With a knife. The nanny has already been psychologically evaluated but the judge wants her to be reassessed. 

Berthaud is meeting with, and flirting with, Prosecutor Clement when she gets a call from Judge Roban asking her to investigate Benoit. Clement overhears this and becomes concerned.

One of the deaf gang is released so that he can be followed. Berthaud and the translator are in a car watching as Fagin drives up in a van and forces the deaf guy inside. Berthaud knows the kid is going to be beaten. While they wait for the inevitable, she tries to get the translator to talk to her. The translator confesses he's engaged to be married. Whoa, guess they had more than dinner that night! Berthaud says it's no big deal, they just has sex. No reason to tell the fiancee anything. 

Why so slutty, Berthaud?

Clement goes to visit his father-in-law. FIL's business manufactures medicine and with the help of Benoit he is able to sell his product out the backdoor to other countries.

Crazy Lawyer Rapist advises Karlsson to get in on Elina's case. This is one of those cases that will blow up and get everybody's name in the papers. 

Elina's parents have come to Paris to identify her body. I warned you not to get gross, Show! There's no need to show me Elina's pulpy face again. As the stricken parents are leaving the morgue, Karlsson ambulance-chases her way into becoming their lawyer. 

Androux is upset to learn the nanny won't be criminally tried since she's found to be insane.

Benoit, still anxious to get his hands on the diary, blackmails his friend Clement. So let this be a lesson to you all. Beware a "friend" who offers you a sweet apartment in Paris. To protect his family, Pierre agrees. He waits until Roban leaves the building to sneak into the judge's very messy office. Clement doesn't know what the diary looks like so he has to search slowly. Slowly enough so that Roban, who remembered he left something behind, comes back to his office and catches Clement in the act.

What the hell did the deaf keyring kids have to do with anything? Why was the murdered baby even included in this episode? They barely touched that storyline. This show goes everywhere but where I want it to go. 

Spiral Episode 1

The bloody nude body of a young white woman is discovered at the dump. Her face has been smashed in and her nipples cut off. Eww. The police are on the scene collecting evidence. Captain Laure Berthaud fills in the new prosecutor on what little they know about the unidentified victim. 

After the opening credits, we see the new prosecutor dealing with some outraged parents whose daughter claims her teacher, Mrs. Sauvanet, dressed up as a witch and hit the girl with a broom. The parents have gotten a petition together to try and get Sauvanet replaced. And this has what to do with what?

Down at the morgue the M.E., Marquant, is trying to carefully remove a bag that was placed over the dead woman's head. (Is this going to be gross? Do I need to look away?) Ah, it is gross! Even Capt. Berthaud has to look away. For the second time it is mentioned the dead woman must have been beautiful, hence the ferocity of the attack towards her face. However Marquant says the wounds to her face were done after she was dead.

More gross stuff goes on. The X-Rays show the woman once had a broken leg that was put back together with a plate and screws. The M.E. hopes to use this as a means of identifying the woman. Why we have to see him actually remove it, I don't know. Anyway, there is Cyrillic writing on the plate so they're working on the theory the woman is from a former Communist country.

Berthaud's lieutenant has to leave the room before he passes out. I can't blame him but Berthaud does, fussing at him that this isn't his first autopsy. 

Back to the prosecutor and some Law & Order: French Division. He's arguing a case in court against a couple who sound like a pair of gems. They tied some guy to a radiator and slashed him with a carpet knife. When the couples' lawyer stands up to begin his defense, Mr. Escudie suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the floor dead. You'd think this would be enough to stop the proceedings, but Escudie's partner, Miss Karlsson, takes over the case and is confident she can get an acquittal. No one seems to mourn the passing of Mr. Escudie.

Back to the dead girl that they now believe was an Eastern European prostitute. The prosecutor (if he has a name I still haven't caught it) asks Berthaud if she got his message about the teacher case. If there is supposed to be an attraction between Berthaud and the prosecutor, I ain't feelin' it. Yeah he's a good looking guy, but when its not there, its not there.

We go to a rather small apartment where a man and a woman are discussing the murder of the girl. The man is a cop and the woman is a prostitute he's hoping to get more information from. Perhaps she knew the dead woman or has heard something out on The Street. The washed-up hooker offers him some coke, and I don't mean the kind you pour over ice cubes. 

Back to the courthouse where Karlsson has indeed won her case. Now here I can feel the attraction between her and Prosecutor With No Name. Unfortunately this means Prosecutor is free to get back to the teacher case. What has this got to do with anything? Mrs. Sauvanet claims she never dressed up as a witch but she does use a puppet witch in her classroom. Both the Prosecutor and I find Sauvanet a bit off her rocker from the things she says. 

Berthaud's team has learned a young Romanian woman, Sofia Andrescu, has been reported missing although she doesn't quite fit the profile of the dead woman. Berthaud notices one of her guys isn't acting quite right. That would be Coke Cop. 

A skinny guy is about to pick the lock to an apartment when he's scared off by the approach of the elevator. It's Berthaud and Coke Cop come to interview Sofia's sister, Elina, who was the person who reported Sofia missing. Elina doesn't answer the door but a passing neighbor is just chocked full of information about the woman, like how she reads Balzac, will have her PhD. in biology, and works for a pharmaceutical lab. Thank you for the info, nosey neighbor who knows everything. What would crime shows be without these neighbors?

Berthaud leaves Coke Cop to watch the apartment for when Elina comes back. Coke Cop is too busy cutting himself a line to notice Skinny Guy leaving the apartment building with a large bag. It's up to Nosey Neighbor to call Berthaud and alert her that Elina's apartment has just been ransacked. A quick check shows the girl's computer is missing. This was no regular burglary but a clean-up job.

We learn Prosecutor has split up with his wife of eight years and he's mainly been living in hotels. His friend Benoit urges him to get a new apartment. I don't know about the Prosecutor but I'll take the apartment they're looking at right now. Ah, I finally learn Prosecutor's first name is Pierre. Now what's his last name?

The cops determine the dead woman is really Elina, not her sister Sofia. Berthaud is suspicious Elina was living such a luxurious lifestyle for a student who just started working at the pharmaceutical lab. And where's Sofia? 

More boring stuff about the student/teacher case. Now it's beginning to look like the child's family are very suspicious.

Prosecutor Pierre is having lunch with Benoit and shows his friend the picture of Elina (before she had her face beaten in). Why Benoit, what's that strange look upon your face? Did you know the dead woman?

Karlsson gets a job offer to work with another lawyer who likes to play with sticks. Again, what has this got to do with anything?

Prosecutor Pierre calls in the complaining parents from the beginning of the episode. He's figured out the girl's older sister is the one beating her, not the slightly cracked teacher. The mother forged some of the signatures on her petition which could be a charge against her. He throws the parents out of his office. Mrs. Sauvanet is innocent but ends up having a nervous breakdown anyway. Is that the end of this storyline? Why was this even in here?

Berthaud gets a lead. A taxi driver comes forward to say he gave Elina a ride the night of her murder. She had left a large diary behind in the taxi. How convenient. The diary is filled with names and addresses of well known people.

Clement! Prosecutor Pierre Clement! Now was that so hard, Show?

Pierre learns one of the addresses in Elina's diary is for his friend Benoit who finally admits he did know Elina.

So dark. So dreary. It's like all the colors have been washed out. That's the only thing that's been washed. Everything - and everybody - seems to have a layer of grime. I'm not saying all French people are dirty, its just the way this program was filmed. It makes me want to grab some soap and water and scrub everything - and everyone - in sight.