Time to get my Russian on!
The Patrol
As the aged secret agent Ivan Samoylov (also called Vanya) starts his memoirs, he writes of the time when Peter the Great was Peter the Dead. Tsarina Catherine wasn't very interested in the whole "ruling Asia" thing, so it was a Prince Menshikov who was the real power in all the Russias.
Ivan was back in town for his father's funeral and to have a meeting with Prince Menshikov. But not before he has some flirt time with a couple of pastel-dressed sisters - Varvara and Sophia. One of the sisters conveniently drops her handkerchief for Ivan to retrieve.
Before his meeting with Ivan, Prince Menshikov is meeting with another shady character and talking about the Pope, the Masons, marrying his daughter to Prince Peter, and perhaps becoming Emperor himself. As Shady Character is taking his leave, he's set upon by other shady characters and whisked away.
Ivan is hoping the prince will help the young man get a post in the regiment. First, though, Menshikov has a small task for Ivan to do. He's to escort a carriage from the border to the city. No peeping or talking to whoever is inside, got it?
Meanwhile, whoever kidnapped Shady Character got him to talk and they now know about the secret carriage Menshikov is expecting. Also more talk about Masons and some guy named Falinelli who supposedly had a lot of money stashed away somewhere. I sure hope this all becomes clearer to me.
Ivan has drafted a couple of dragoons to help him escort the secret carriage everyone seems to know about. Doesn't that one guy look like Gerard Depardieu? Well, he does to me, at least. I mean, if you squint really hard. And hey, I just now read that Depardieu lives in Russia now. Coincidence? Anyway, back to the story. A shot rings out and our trio rides into action. They discover the secret carriage and a dead coachman, but no horses or the secret passenger of the secret carriage.
There's a burned out monastery nearby; perhaps the secret passenger has been taken there. Our trio ride to investigate. Sure enough there are some fur-clad banditos guarding a bound man and woman. Ivan waits until nightfall and then rides alone into the bandits' camp. He warns the head bandito that tomorrow two detachments of soldiers will be here to hang every one of them. Surely these two foreigners aren't worth dying over. He suggests the head bandit keep the horses and whatever was stolen out of the secret carriage, but to let the secret passengers go. Head Bandito wants to wait until tomorrow. If they see these supposed soldiers heading this way, they'll do as Ivan says. But if there are no soldiers, then Vanya gets it and gets it good.
Ivan waits until everyone is asleep. He frees the man and woman and sends them off in the direction of where his two dragoons are waiting. They get away but Ivan is captured by the bandits. Gerard Depardieu wants to follow orders and get the two secret passengers away to safety. The strong-willed woman grabs a pistol and insists on saving the man who just saved them.
As the banditos tie Ivan up, his rescue party attacks. Fight scene! (While its not the most competent fight scene ever choreographed, I appreciate the show's attempt to keep the pace up.) The bandits are either killed or run off. Oh no, one of the bandits was only playing dead and he just shot the non-Gerard Depardieu dragoon! Sad times.
We learn the male secret passenger's name is Chevalier La Chanier. He offers Ivan some reward money for rescuing them. Ivan turns it down as he feels they failed their initial mission. Gerard Depardieu is not happy. The woman offers the solution of them getting back into the carriage and acting like none of this ever happened. Ivan, too honest for his own good, insists he'll still give a full report once they reach the capital. Gerard is still not happy.
Ivan drives the carriage into the city. They're being observed by the Anti-Menshikov league. While the secret passengers of the secret carriage that everyone knew about are safely delivered to the prince, the Anti-Menshikov's now have their collective eyes on Ivan. Perhaps he could be of some use to them.
With Ivan's mission supposedly over, we now have to go back and catch up with the giggly sisters from the beginning. They serve a small purpose as their fat dad has some tapestry that supposedly is also a treasure map. If only there was some scrappy hero to decode hanging artwork.
The entire cast is gathered at an assembly at the palace. Ivan and Gerard are awarded souvenir swords for their recent work. Chanier and his female companion, Marie (could've sworn she was going to turn out to be Sophia Augusta Fredericka), are also there to have whispered conversations with some guy. Vanya and Depardieu get drunk and challenge this same guy to a duel.
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